Tag Archive | two-week wait

Lo and Behold…

It’s CD29 and, much to my surprise, I ovulated this week. I say I’m surprised, but that’s only because my RE gave up on me when my follicles didn’t progress the way she expected. I don’t think anyone at the clinic believed it would be happening this cycle. But I did. All along, I did.

The big question is, when?  My temp has been elevated for four days now. That generally means I ovulated the day before the temp rise, which would be CD25. My BBT has been fairly predictable lately and, when taking my temp at the same time, it has always been 97.5 or below this cycle. On CD25, it went up to 97.9 and has been that or above ever since. But here’s the tricky part:  the last four days (CD25-28), the OPKs have been positive. They were just barely positive (with the test line only slightly darker than the control line) days 25 and 26, and a much stronger positive on days 27 and 28. CD27 was the darkest OPK, two days after my BBT went up. I’ve never gotten an OPK that dark post-ovulation. Do you see why I’m confused? And on top of that, my CM was ultra-fertile on CD24 and 25, less so on CD26 and 27, and back to sticky by CD28 (yesterday). Based on this, I am guessing I must have ovulated on CD25 and perhaps my LH levels were just a little wonky thereafter, which is what gave me the positive OPKs. But I can’t be 1000% sure of that. Anyone want to put in their two cents on this?

Either way, what I do know is that I have ovulated the latest I ever have while taking Clomid. Not in love with that idea, but there’s not much I can do about it now. And if you think about it, it’s kind of amazing that I ovulated at all, considering that my follicles were shrinking on CD16, just nine days before. I didn’t have any of the normal ovarian tenderness that usually indicates my follicles are getting big and ready, so I wasn’t fully expecting it to happen when it did. Of course, that makes me wonder if perhaps I released an egg before it was fully mature, but whatever. I can worry about every little thing, or I can choose not to. For now, I choose the latter. And it’s not like it matters anyways. With my husband’s possible low sperm morphology and knowing that we’ve been here three other times since August without any BFP in sight, any hope at this point seems futile.

For now, I will just be happy I ovulated. It’s a small victory, but in our world, I think every victory is one worth celebrating. And I’ll do just that, with a TTC-friendly drink. Perhaps the sparkling cider that my father-in-law gave to my daughter for her birthday gift (yes, you read that right). Cheers!

Footloose and Fancy-Free

Two nights ago, my Honey asked me while helping me pick up and clean the house (yes, he’s one of THOSE kind of husbands), “So are you, like, ovulating soon?”

I smiled and said, “I already did. About two days ago.” Which I had already told him (yes, he’s also one of THOSE husbands), but that’s beside the point.

He stopped in his tracks. “You did???” he asked. “Don’t we usually have lots of sex when that’s happening?”

Which made me laugh and also goes to show, ladies and gents (or really, just ladies), how laid-back I have let this cycle be. We did have sex, every other day, but none of the daily baby-dancing that I usually force us to do when the OPKs start to turn positive. That’s partly because I was never sure of my exact ovulation day, partly because we’ve been so tired and busy since our return from London, and partly because I just really didn’t care that much.

And last night, when Honey asked me while I was plucking my eyebrows, “So do you think you’re pregnant?,” I was able to tell him an unequivocal no, I did not.  That’s the first time I’ve ever said that to this same question. I usually shrug and say “Maybe.” or “I’m not sure. I hope so!” I do hope, of course. I will always hope. But do I believe? Do I think there’s a chance? Not really.

But here’s a teensy tiny little secret, my bloggy friends: There is a smallish part of me that hopes this carefree sort of attitude will do what no amount of optimism and hope has…it will get me pregnant. Not in the “oops! I’m accidentally pregnant!” sort of way because, let’s face it, we have been trying and we’ve been trying hard. And I’m starting to feel like we will always be trying until my ovaries become shriveled up and old and Out of Service. What I’m talking about is pregnant in the “I just relaxed and wah-lah!” sort of way. Which is a very circular way of hoping. Hoping by not hoping.

And I know, I know. I’m crazy. And I’ve probably just jinxed it all by typing this. But oh well. I don’t care, remember? And let’s get real. We all know that sort of thing only happens to other people. Not me. Except that one time, two and a half years ago, when believing I was not pregnant did, indeed, get me pregnant and gave me a healthy baby nine months later. But not me again. I’m not so naive to think that that kind of luck strikes someone twice.

Instead, while I wait for this two-week wait to pass, I will just enjoy this feeling of peace and patience that has gripped me for the time being. And I will look forward to my RE appointment and to the new hope that it may give me.

Another Lame 2WW

I feel these sort of updates are getting pretty old. It’s October 24th. It’s CD24. I’m in the 2WW. I think. I’m not holding my breath for this cycle. Blah blah blah. Are you bored out of your mind yet? ‘Cause I am.

But anyways

I do think I ovulated, on CD20 but probably 21 or 22, but I’m not as sure as I am some months. For one, I never got a strong positive on the OPK. The test line was only ever comparable to the control line, never obviously darker than it as it is some months. This isn’t a huge deal because I never got a positive the cycle I conceived my daughter either, but it makes me feel less confident in knowing whether or not an egg was actually released. And for another, my temperature is up which is usually a reliable indication of ovulation for me, but my BBT has been all sorts of crazy since my return from London and I’m not sure I can trust it.

So we’ll see. It’s always wait and see with me, isn’t it?

The one thing I do know though is that, while I cannot lie anymore and say I have no hope at all, I am feeling sort of indifferent or apathetic towards this cycle. Because I’m really expecting it not to work. To me, it just seems like a cycle I have to get through before I go visit an RE for the first time and move on to a new plan. My mom, who knows everything about every cycle, keeps talking about how long these next two weeks will take and how anxious she is for what the second part of this cycle holds, but I don’t feel that way at all. The days will pass. The end will come when it comes. I have no anticipation for it. No hopeful butterflies fluttering in my chest. No excitement. No desire to symptom watch. No plan for when I’ll test if I’m late. I’m just trudging along, waiting for….what? I don’t know. Waiting for something different, I guess. I don’t know how long it will last, but I like this feeling. I like not hoping. Or at least, not hoping much. It feels safe.

Some day, I do hope I will have something more exciting to write about, though. Like my appointment with an RE.  Like a new course of treatment. Like a BFP. Oh…if only. What a day that will be when it finally comes.