Tag Archive | Idaho

Odds ‘n’ Ends: Kat, Idaho, Choosing a Name, and More

Just a few things I wanted to update all of you on today, now that we’re home from Idaho and things are settling down again:

KAT

The e-mail from Kat is still sitting in my Inbox. Unread. This is so unlike me, to wait this long. I am usually one for instant gratification. I’m impatient. I can’t wait for anything. Except, Katie over at Our Growing Gardunn mentioned that this sort of “should I or shouldn’t I?” is like making a decision to POAS. And I always waited for that. I would wait a week past my missed period before testing. In this circumstance, I don’t know exactly what I’m waiting for.  I guess, I’m just waiting until I have the time and emotional energy to read that e-mail. Hopefully, that sense of readiness will come today. Or tomorrow. I will read it soon, I promise, and then I’m sure I’ll blog about it too, for better or worse. Stay tuned!

IDAHO

Our road trip to Idaho, our ol’ stomping grounds, was busy and HOT but pretty fantastic. The drive was long and my poor feet were quite swollen by the end. I think I probably pushed it a little too hard and didn’t take as many breaks as I should have. I had a couple days of panic when I felt the baby wasn’t moving enough, but then there would be an explosion of kicks and I’d feel better. It’s still such a roller coaster for me. On Saturday, we attended my cousin’s wedding, which was a lot of fun. There was family there whom I hadn’t seen in 2-5 years, so it was fun for them to meet my daughter and to see my bulging belly. The ceremony was in direct sun in 95 degree heat and started 45 minutes late, so we were melting, but they had water and soda available, which did help, and I let Cupcake and her daddy go play in the shade, so at least they were cool. I always get quite weepy at weddings, but this time even more so. I felt so reflective and so emotional thinking about my own wedding day just over five years ago and all that Honey and I had gone through since then, and how far we’ve come. How incredible it was to be there with my wonderful, adoring husband and my beautiful daughter and to have one on the way. It felt a bit like a “full circle” moment. I am just so blessed and so thankful to be where we are today.

CHOOSING A NAME

I had great hopes that my husband and I would choose a baby name on our road trip, because we had  lots of time to talk with very little distractions. And we DID spend several hours discussing it, but we still haven’t made a final decision yet. My problem is that there are SO many names I love and, because I don’t know that I’ll have countless children whom can be christened with each name, it’s hard for me to narrow it down. My husband’s problem is that he doesn’t love the name that is my top choice (though I think he’s finally caving), but he does love weird and crazy names that would curse any child and that I veto immediately. So for a while we were at quite the impasse, but I think we’ve finally made progress and have it narrowed down to three choices. I imagine we’ll make the big decision very soon — this week, I hope! We’re keeping the name secret from all of our friends and family (and my mom reads this blog), so I won’t be announcing the name here until after Skittle’s birth, if I ever do, but I do have a post planned to discuss our process for choosing a name. It’s tough!

PRENATAL APPOINTMENT

I had another appointment with my OB yesterday. He did tell me that I officially passed my 3-hour GTT, which was good to hear. I also talked to the nurse about baby movements and she said I should feel at least 5-10 movements every hour. But I have been monitoring Skittle for a couple weeks now and that’s not how it always goes. There will be 2-3 hours where I feel only 2-4 movements each hour and then suddenly, I’ll get 25 kicks in twenty minutes. So I’m having a hard time trying to gauge when to worry and when it’s just Skittle’s normal pattern. Any advice? For those of you who are pregnant or have children, what were you told about fetal movement? It seems everyone gets a different story. And also…I’m now at the point in pregnancy where I start seeing my OB every two weeks. I can’t believe it’s that time already! It feels like another milestone.

ROYAL BABY

Can I just say how very exciting it has been to watch all the media coverage of the royal baby’s birth? I know it’s kind of silly, but England (and especially London) is one of my favorite places on Earth and I have always been fascinated by the royal family, so it’s been fun to follow Kate and Wills as they prepared for this big life change. And it’s exciting to think that, just as I grew up “alongside” William and Harry, so will my children grow up alongside this new generation of royals. But now I long to return to London all over again! Even all these months and miles gone by, it still feels like home to me.

I hope all of you are having a blessed, safe, and happy week. Up next: a post about my e-mail from Kat…if I ever get the guts to actually read it!

Some Thoughts on Hurting, Home, and the Things in Between

Today, I hurt.

I hurt today because yesterday I came to the conclusion that my sister is pregnant. She has not confirmed this, but I know. I know that she and her new husband started trying during my short-lived pregnancy in April. I know that she has always had regular periods and will probably have no problems conceiving.  I know that she has dropped hints such as being the designated driver at a bachelorette party, feeling so tired all the time, and in an e-mail yesterday she mentioned that she hasn’t been feeling well for a few weeks but said nothing more. And I know that she is probably afraid to tell me her good news.

I know she is pregnant, and I think I have for a while, though I have tried to convince myself otherwise. Either way, I sent her an e-mail last night to ask if my suspicions are true. Was this out of line? I hope not. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. But if she is expecting, I want to know so I can accept it and move on. So we don’t have a pink elephant hanging around every time we talk on the phone or send an e-mail.

Sigh.

This, in the aftermath of my loss, is one of the things I have been fearing the most.

As you may remember from a previous post, my sister is no ordinary sister. She is a half-sister whom I learned about just this year. At this point, we are bonded only by blood and quite a few common interests and personality traits. We don’t have a history. Not really. And the history we do have is short and shadowed by the fact that I feel as if she did not support me through my miscarriage as I had expected. This has left me with a bad taste in my mouth and a lot of resentment. I’m trying to forgive, to believe her intentions were always good, to fake it until I make it. I think I have done a good job at that, but it doesn’t mean I want to celebrate her pregnancy with her.

I am happy for her but sad for myself, torn between wanting to hear every detail about every second of this pregnancy and this baby (my niece! my nephew! my very flesh and blood!), but also afraid to experience all of that. Afraid of the jealousy and contempt and pain it will cause me. There have been times that I wished she would have to deal with my same infertility issues (that somehow it was genetic) and, in the last 24 hours, there have been times when I wished that this pregnancy didn’t exist. Not that I would wish her and her unborn child any harm or tragedy. Just that this had not happened for her quite so quickly and not yet, not until there is another life growing inside me too. Maybe then it would hurt a little less.

I just want to stop hurting.

Someone please tell me I’m not a horrible person, or a bad sister. Because I’m new to this sister thing and I don’t know if these feelings and thoughts I have make me the very worst sister-friend to ever exist.

But on to other things…

It’s cycle day 3! Officially. Not long after my last post, the flow started to pick up and blazed throughout yesterday and into this morning. I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to see that much blood! (TMI?) So of course, I was worried for no reason. Like always. It’s still not as wicked as it has been at times in the past and I’m not nearly as crampy either, but maybe that’s a good sign? I’ve heard extraordinarily heavy and painful periods are not healthy either. And now I’m at a point where I’m hoping for a little mercy and for the flow to slow waaaaaay down by the end of the day. And I took my first 100mg of Clomid with breakfast this morning. It’s always exciting to me, because it gives me new hope, even if that hope wavers. Often.

(And btw…thank you so much to everyone who offered their advice about cycle days, spotting, and Metformin. I needed to hear all of it and, with each new comment, I breathed a sigh of relief.)

As for the Metformin, I am still on the fence. I go back and forth about a hundred times a day. I did fill the prescription and pick it up from the pharmacy, but I’m going to leave it sitting on our bathroom counter for a few days. I want to ponder it and give my decision time. On one hand, I find it deliciously tempting not to take it and not to have one more obligation and worry in TTC-land. Especially when there is no proof that I actually need it. But on the other hand, I want to do everything I can to up my odds and help my body to ovulate and hopefully ovulate earlier than is standard for me. But at any rate, I won’t be taking it until next week (after my birthday and road trip) and I will definitely be taking it if this round of Clomid doesn’t work at all. I think.

And speaking of our road trip…

We leave today!  Going back to Idaho. Back home…or at least to the only home I had ever known until the place that we now call home became our home. (Hey…that was a lot of fun to say!) I’m so excited for this return to our “roots.” There was a time when I hoped I would be returning with a growing belly and, for a short while during my Teddy Graham pregnancy, I really believed I would. In the weeks after my miscarriage, I lamented that this picture I had of myself in a cute sundress attending the wedding of a family friend in Idaho would never come to be. I cried for days over that silly image. But I’m stronger now, and looking forward to going back to a place that is so familiar to us. It will be good to get away for a short while and, when we return, I will already have made it through the first week of this cycle…with only one (but probably two) more weeks until the anticipated ovulation date. I will welcome anything that can make time go faster right now.

And with that being said, I will probably be off the grid for a few days. If there’s time (perhaps in the evening while watching the Olympics!), I will stay caught up on my blog-reading, but I don’t anticipate that I’ll do any of my own posting. Unless, perhaps, I hear back from my sis about her suspected pregnancy. In that case, I might have no choice but to come here to whine and cry over the unfairness of it all.

Just a warning, friends.

10 Things, Part 1

Well, in an effort to keep my word and be more open about who I am, I’ve decided to share ten things about myself that are not related to my infertility or loss (mostly). But I’ll do it in two parts so that I don’t monopolize your time with an ultra-long post. So, my new blogging friends, here I present to you the first five:

1. I grew up in northern and north-central Idaho in a few small towns, where everyone knows everyone and your best friends in high school are the same ones they were in elementary school and homeowners (or at least, my folks) don’t lock their doors and parents let their itty bitty kids walk through downtown alone. My mom and dad still live in one of those towns, but Honey and I moved to a neighboring state after his college graduation. We went in search of opportunities and we found them. We love our new city, but I still miss that small-town atmosphere that I enjoyed for so long. Sometimes, I lament that my daughter will never call a place like that home.

2. I love animals. Sometimes even more than I love humans. Because of this, you will rarely see me kill a bug and you will often see me close my eyes to say a prayer when we pass roadkill on the highway. I’ve been a Vegetarian Lite (I still sometimes eat turkey, chicken, and fish) since I was 12 and have been making regular contributions to the World Wildlife Fund almost as long. And if I could take in every lost, injured, or abused animal in the world, I would. I just love all of God’s creatures so much.

3. My husband was my first serious relationship.  While I have been boy-crazy since I was six and have had plenty of crushes and a handful of dates and even a first love who wasn’t my Honey, I was just much too shy, guarded, and insecure to ever really put my heart on the line for anyone. It was only after a lot of persistence from my Honey in college that I finally agreed to a date and, from that day on, my heart was lost to him.

4. My favorite number is 8. I’m not superstitious by any means, but I do consider eight to be my lucky number. I was born on 8/8/83, so it’s only natural.  My love for the number is one of the reasons my Honey and I chose to marry in 2008 and chose March 14th for the big day. (3/14 = 3+1+4 = 8) It was also exciting that my daughter was born 11/21/2010 because all of those numbers add up to…you guessed it…eight!  Like I said, I’m totally lame and maybe slightly obsessed, but I do so love that number.

5. I was sexually abused. I made brief mention of this before and debated whether I wanted to add it to this list because it’s such a sensitive topic, but the truth is that it is part of who I am. I hate it, but it is. However, not many people know this about me and I do still have contact with my abuser, so I will protect his identity for now. This abuse, however infrequent and mild it may have been compared to so many other horrific stories, has wreaked havoc in my life and a number of my relationships. It is only recently that I have started dealing with it and talking about it to those who are closest to me. I am healing, and still trying to forgive.

Are you now just hanging in suspense, waiting anxiously for the next five things about me? I’ll post them later this week. Stay tuned!