Tomorrow, we fly to London. And by “we,” I mean my Honey, our nearly-2-year-old Cupcake, my mom, and I. We have a two-bedroom flat rented for a little over a week and we will do some touristy things and some wholly-British things and enjoy the city that I love so much. In fact, I have always said that London feels more like home to me than Home does. I have never felt so completely myself anywhere else in the whole world. So I guess, in essence, I will be going home tomorrow.
In all honesty, this is going to be a bit of a bittersweet holiday. I have been planning this adventure for the last eighteen months and, at the start of the year when we first started TTC baby #2, I had hoped I would be growing a new life by now. And when we conceived Teddy Graham, I realized I would reach a holy-moly 32 weeks halfway through our time there. And when I lost him, I said to myself, “Well, there’s still plenty of time. I can still get pregnant before we go!”
But none of that has come to pass and, instead, I will be going with an empty womb and a heavy heart.
However, this holiday really couldn’t have come at a better time. I need this. When I was nineteen, I ran off to London for three weeks, reeling from a broken heart. I was young, had never traveled abroad, and I went alone, knowing no one there. But if offered healing. I found strength in my independence and, I’m embarrassed to confess, I found a new boy (a sexy foreigner from Poland) to briefly obsess over. I fall quickly for charming men, what can I say? I’m not proud. I have traveled to London several times since then, and now, ten years later, I will be going with another sort of broken heart, in need of an entirely different kind of healing. I know that my trip will not cure my infertility and will not squelch my grief, but perhaps it will soften the edges and give me what I need to go on. If nothing else, it will just feel good to sit alone on a bench in Green Park, rain or shine, with a cup of coffee while I reflect and remember and pray. And by the time I return, I will be done with my period and Clomid, two weeks into my cycle, and just a few more away from my appointment with an RE. What a nice way to pass the time, eh?
So all of this to say that I will be off-the-grid for the next ten to twelve days. I won’t have ready access to a computer, so I don’t expect that I’ll be posting or commenting during my time away. I’ll surely have a lot of catch-up to do when I get back. For those of you who are in your 2WW, I hope there will be plenty of good news when I log in here in a couple weeks! And for those of you who are at another stage of waiting or grief or limbo, please know that I wait with you and hold each of you in my heart. Every one of you, whoever you are and whatever point you are at in your journey, have a place in my prayers every night.
Be well, friends, until I return. XO