Tag Archive | family

More Odds ‘n’ Ends Brought to You by the Letter “F”

Please forgive these somewhat scattered thoughts. My head aches and I have a lot I want to cover, as quickly as I can. (But you all know me, and that’s not often quickly at all…)

Failure: That’s how I might describe this cycle, and certainly today’s CD15 ultrasound (the FIFTH medical appointment I’ve gone to in FOUR days, between my daughter and I!). Follicular progress? None. Practically no growth whatsoever. Possible shrinkage, but that left ovary is a bit shy and they have a horrible time finding and seeing her, which means measurements for the follicles on Lefty are approximate at best. Today, my largest follicles were 11.0 and 11.5. No bueno. And while I haven’t given up hope completely (see last month’s cycle for proof of what can happen), it’s hard to stay positive. And it puts a big ol’ black cloud over the upcoming Christmas festivities. I was hoping for hope and optimism this Christmas, instead I have dread and uncertainty. I return on Wednesday for one more u/s to see if there’s been any change. Really, really praying for it tonight and in the days ahead.

Frustration: I’m losing patience with Clomid. It maddens me so that my miracle drug, the one that has never caused me any grief and gave me my precious daughter and a second short-term baby to boot, is now failing me. I want to try Femara first, but my doc is already talking Follistim, which is going to cost us some mighty dough. Sigh. There are days when I am thisclose to just throwing in the towel altogether and giving up.

False Positive?: I rarely get a false positive on an OPK, and I’ve never had one this early in my cycle, but today that second line was very comparable to the control line. I’m not super confident in the accuracy of it because my urine was extraordinarily dark (from drinking, oh, one glass of water all day yesterday because I was too freaking busy), but it’s suspect. Is it wrong? Is it because of concentrated urine? Or is it that my body is preparing to release an egg before one is mature — and could that be my problem with the last four cycles as well? Is that even possible my body would do that? Or could the u/s techs just be completely wrong about my follicular measurements? So many questions! My OPK tomorrow may give some answers…I hope!

Family: For those of you who care to know, I did get to have breakfast with my family this morning. We (my mom and I) were an hour late (because of a pointless ultrasound, mind you), but we still got to spend a fantastic hour with them. Every time I see these people, I am reminded how lucky I am to have so many in my life whom I love and feel so loved by. Anthony Brandt once said “Other things may change us, but we begin and end with family,” and for me, how true that is.

Face: Mine is clearing up. It’s very weird. I had great skin in my teens, but have struggled with cystic acne through most of my 20s. And now, for the last month, I’ve had hardly any pimples at all and no cystic ones. For the last several cycles, I was breaking out especially around ovulation and my period, but didn’t see one pimple appear around CD1 two weeks ago. I love it, but still wonder, what gives? Is it that I’m just getting older (turning thirty next year!) or is something changing hormonally? Hmmm…

Fever: I’ve had a low one for the last three days, 99.5 to 100.6. No other symptoms. I went to Urgent Care last night because my GP was worried about a UTI, but everything is coming back negative so far. We’re still waiting on blood work, but the on-call doc seemed very concerned about a suspicious fever. I’m supposed to go back tomorrow if it persists, but only plan to do that if the fever is above 100.0. What really irritates me is that, even if I do ovulate at this point, I will have no solid confirmation because my BBT is already elevated. I did ask the nurse at the fertility clinic about a fever, though, and she seems unconcerned about it affecting eggs or my ability to conceive this cycle. So I guess that is one small thing for which to be thankful.

Well, I think that will do for now. Hope everyone’s last couple days have been more relaxing and less eventful than mine!

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Bridging the Gap

Well, things with my sister are improving I think. I can’t believe it’s been nearly a year (as of January) since my first e-mail from her. Since I first learned that she existed. What a journey we have been on since that day… (If you’re new here, you can click on the “my sis” category on the right to get the whole scoop!)

The weekend before last, she came for my daughter’s birthday party. One of the few who did, which meant a lot to me. It was the first time I had seen her since learning that she’s pregnant. She’s 23 weeks now and her belly is getting big. Not all of it is baby weight, but she looks beautiful anyhow. And happy. Which made me realize that I miss feeling and looking happy. Just blissfully happy. Those were good days when I didn’t have this dark cloud of infertility and loss looming.

But anyways…I was scared for Sissy’s visit. Scared of how much it might hurt, and scared that things might be awkward. Scared that I wouldn’t act like a good sister and scared that I might lose my composure. But it went okay. No…it went extraordinarily well. While things may never be completely the same between us, never as carefree or as light-hearted, I am beginning to believe that we can and will survive this turmoil we’ve endured. That she will still be my sister when the day is done.

While she was here, we chatted, we laughed. She read stories to Cupcake. We planned for next Christmas. We dreamed about our children, the cousins, growing up together. We gossiped about my father-in-law (who was stressing me out). And I asked all the good sisterly questions, like:

How are you feeling?

Are you feeling much movement?

What names have you chosen?

Do you think it’s a boy or a girl?

Where are you registered?

Who will be in the delivery room with you?

We talked a lot about her baby, but mostly because I brought it up. I asked, partly because I felt obligated to and partly because I really wanted to know. I’m a bit of a masochist that way. And while it stung to hear all of it, it was easier to take than I feared. I imagine that’s because I know what it’s like to experience it. I’ve been there, walked every step of the long road of pregnancy. If I didn’t have Cupcake? I’d be more lost and bitter towards her than I care to admit.

She also made brief mention of my loss in the time that she was here. I had a candle burning for Teddy Graham during the party and the votive holder has his name and a butterfly on it. She commented on how pretty it is and asked why I chose a butterfly. And later, I heard her telling my mom how bad she feels that this has to be so hard for me. Which made my heart swell just a little with affection for her. My sis is not good about talking about these things on her own. Even though I have told her several times that I want her to bring it up, to ask about it, to let me know she’s thinking of me and has not forgotten my pain, I think she is either too self-involved or too afraid of misspeaking, or of having no words at all. But when given the opportunity, she will take it, and I can appreciate that.

Up next? Her baby shower in January and then Baby’s arrival in March, both of which I know will be emotional, trying experiences for me that will leave me drained of all energy for days. My constant hope is that I will be growing my own tiny seed of a baby by then, but even if not, I’ll be there for her.  I’ll be there because that’s what sisters must do. And because not every “only child” is so lucky to discover a long-lost sibling of which she has always dreamed. I have been given a gift, and I must treasure it or lose it completely.

Photo Challenge: Treasure

Do you know what I treasure?

I treasure my new necklace. I treasure my new friendships. And my old friends. I treasure all of you, who have been my salvation in the last few months. I treasure the memories I have of traveling around Europe with my mom. I treasure the Christmas ornaments I inherited from my late grandmother. The diamond earrings I wore at my wedding. The bracelet my husband made for me. The scrapbooks I have so carefully crafted. The photographs I have so lovingly taken. But most of all, I treasure this:

My family. It is itty bitty, but it is beautiful. I’m still waiting for it to expand, but every day I am reminded how lucky I am to have this much. There really is nothing I treasure more than my family, than being with them — sitting quietly on the couch, holding my husband’s hand, and watching our daughter do whatever it is that toddlers do.