Tag Archive | Christmas

Hard Candy Christmas

It’s December 1st. That means Christmas is just around the corner. For those dealing with loss, grief, regret, illness, disappointment, homesickness, and/or loneliness, the holiday season can be so difficult. It can be especially so for us infertiles, who know that Christmas is made all the brighter when seen through the eyes of a child. The child we so desperately long for.

So, friends…wherever you are at in your journey — be it, grieving the loss of an unborn child, or still hoping for a miraculous conception, or holding your breath through a long-awaited-for pregnancy, or finally celebrating with the child your heart had yearned for and already dreaming of another — I wish you well this month. I know these festive days aren’t often easy, but may a great sense of peace find you and may you find something great to be joyful about.

Last year, this was my theme song:

This year, it is a gentle reminder of how far I have come, and a quiet nod to those who still have sorrow in their heart. Thinking of all of you today and in all the days ahead. xo

Merry Christmas — Even if it’s Not Totally PC to Say That

Just a little post to wish all of you a Merry Christmas.

I know the whole holiday season can be so hard, and the very pinnacle of pain is probably reached on Christmas Day itself. The holidays are different since having a child, but even now, I am finding this one a little hard to get through. It feels like someone is missing, our home feels empty, and I don’t know that things will be any different by this time next year.

And yet, I know — I know — that this season is much more difficult if you are still trying to bring home your first baby. Honey and I first started trying to build a family just before Christmas 2008. By Christmas 2009, with still no baby in sight and several rounds of failed Clomid cycles already under my belt, I was feeling lost, defeated, and desperate. I felt hopeless. There was a deep ache in my heart the whole month of December and as I looked towards the New Year. Please know that I remember what that is like. I remember.

Today and tomorrow, I hold you all close to my heart as we go through this day together. May you find some peace and comfort in knowing you are not alone, you are thought of fondly, and you are loved.

And now, something to make you smile (I hope)…


And here, my Christmas wish for all of us…

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.

Let your heart be light.

From now on,

our troubles will be out of sight.


Odds ‘n’ Ends: Clomid, PAs, Grief, My Mama, and Honey

Just a few bits and pieces to talk about today…

First off, I’ve been having daily headaches for the last week or two. Some days are worse than others, but the ache is almost always there. Up until three years ago, that was a chronic problem for me, but that’s not so anymore. It could be stress or lack of sleep (both holiday-related), but I’m thinking it’s from the increased Clomid dosage. I just really hope that having this one side effect isn’t an indication that the Clomid is affecting other parts of my body — like my lining. We’ll see tomorrow, when I go in for my first u/s of this cycle!

In other news, I went to a Mom’s Night Out Christmas Party for my mom’s group last Thursday. It was fun. After about two hours. Because those first 120 minutes consisted of one of the moms (a friend, but not a close one) announcing a pregnancy (which I’m now calling a PA because I’m too lazy to type “pregnancy announcement” more than once…or twice). She is now 8 weeks pregnant with her fourth baby. She did use IVF to conceive her first one, but got knocked up without trying for the next three. When she made her PA, I started crying. Quietly, and I don’t think anyone saw. Yes, I’m one of those infertiles who cries over someone else’s pregnancy. I just hate being blind-sided. I don’t blame her because, again, she’s not a close friend and she doesn’t know the extent of our TTC issues, but it hurt to hear about her getting a fourth baby because that’s what I want. She has everything I want.  Except I don’t want her kids (though they are exceptionally adorable and well-behaved), I want mine. I want my babies that have my mannerisms and look like me and emerged from my groin.  I went home that night bemoaning the unfairness of it all and cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, I woke up feeling better, only to hear about the  shooting at Sandy Hook. Why, why, why?  And again I was struck by how unfair so much of life is. Not just for us infertiles, but for oh-so-many, all over the world. Life can be very cruel. I do believe in God and I don’t believe He had a hand in any of this (a topic worthy of its own post perhaps),  but it still angers me and frightens me to see what human beings are capable of doing to one another, especially those smaller and weaker than themselves. Those poor, poor babies…and the poor families left behind. I can only pray for their peace and comfort in the weeks, months, and years ahead.

On a much lighter note, my mom arrives tomorrow! I’m very excited for this. I haven’t talked about her a lot on this blog, but my mom and I are very close and have always been this way, even through adolescence. We talk every night on the phone and she comes for a long weekend every couple months. This time, she will be here for two-and-a-half weeks and I couldn’t be more tickled by it. Not only do I have lots of fun things planned for us, including a local holiday festival, going to a new cupcake shop, and two date nights with Honey while we have a babysitter, but this means that I will finally get a break after all this Christmas craziness. When my mom is here, I don’t have to do practically anything. She insists on doing laundry, doing dishes, bathing Cupcake, cleaning, all of it… It really is like a small vacation when she visits. But even more than that, I’m just excited to have her company…and to know that for a full ten days, while Honey is at work, I don’t have to be alone (as in, the only adult in the house). It will be a very welcome change of pace!

And speaking of Honey, the other day I opened one of the books I’m reading to find a Post-it note with this written on it: “I would like to thank you for the 1000 ways you’ve improved my life. Every moment with you is a blessing.” This guy is just too sweet. Only one more reason why I love him so.

‘Tis the Season…

…To feel the tug at my heart as I realize all three friends who conceived at the same time that I did last spring have now given birth to their babies…and I have not. One in four women miscarry…I was the one in my four.

…For pulling 22 boxes of Christmas decorations out of storage, spending a total of 18 hours transforming our home into a Winter Wonderland, and then, over the next thirty days, dreading when I have to put it all away again.

…When it is impossible to avoid newborn babies and pretty little bumps because every single soul is out and about, shopping, eating, laughing.

…To hang my Baby’s First Christmas (circa 1983) ornament on the tree, right next to one of the ceramic mice that my grandmother crafted and right below the ornament that Honey made for me just a few years ago.

…For making eight kinds of cookies in just as many days and then delivering them to friends, neighbors, co-workers, and the odd passerby (you know, because it’s the season of giving and all that jazz).

…When I must schedule RE visits and ultrasounds around Christmas shopping, baking, partying, planning, preparing, gift-making, gift-wrapping, and more.

…To pull out the boots — rainboots, not snowboots, because that’s how we roll here.

…For remembering who has gone before us, for feeling their absence intensely, and for wishing they were still here.

…When I start to wonder when our first power outage will be, because in this season there are often many here.

…To gorge myself on peanut butter cup cookies (a family recipe!), homemade fudge, eggnog, our traditional Christmas Eve trifle and everything else that this season brings into our cupboards and fridge  — and then waste the next 340 days or so regretting it, only to do it all over again.

…For going way, way, way over my Christmas budget. Shame. On. Me.

…When I send out 50+ photo Christmas cards that I have spent hours designing, and then wonder why I do so because the most cards we get in our mailbox is fifteen or so.

…To tell myself it’s okay if I’m not pregnant by Christmas because then, at least, I can indulge in a Polar Bear, a kahlua-ice cream cocktail that has graced my family with its presence every year since before I was born.

…When I make 18 dishes over the course of two days (Christmas Eve and Day) with only the help of my mom. And all that food is for just five people!

…To reflect on the past year, the joy and pain it has brought me, and to dream for the future and all that it can be.