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Popping In Once More

Hi, friends. Is there anyone still reading this blog, which now lives in a very quiet corner of the internet?

Well, if there is, here’s a quick update:

  • The baby I once coined Twinkle, our fourth child, is now nearly fifteen months old. She still doesn’t have much hair, just got her tenth tooth, isn’t walking yet, babbles all the time but doesn’t say many “real words” (trying not to worry), and she gets into ev.ery.thing. She is also one of the happiest babies I’ve ever known and I wish she could stay little a while longer.
  • We’re kinda-sorta trying to have another baby. I want one desperately. Just one more. My husband doesn’t and won’t agree to using Clomid, but has agreed to trying without. The likelihood of it happening without Clomid is slim, so I’m still hoping he’ll change his mind, but either way, we’re back on this road again and I have so many feelings about it. I know it sounds like an embarrassment of riches to be asking for a 5th child. I also know I’m probably just begging for more heartache and disappointment. I wish so many things could be different, but they’re not, and so this is what it is. We’ll see what the future holds, I guess.
  • I recently had my first piece published at Her View From Home: “You’re a Once in a Lifetime Friend.” If you’re interested, please read and/or share. I’d love your support!
  • I have started blogging as my real self on a new blog: Living on Coffee & Prayer. I’m not sure how often I’ll be writing, but you’ll find personal essays and poetry there when the mood strikes. Because Waiting to Expand is anonymous, any mention of it on the new blog will be politely deleted, but I would love for you to come over and say hello and follow along if you’d like!

If you’re still here, thank you. I miss my old blogging friends and send love to you all!

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She’s Here

Our fourth child, our third daughter, arrived eleven days ago.

Isabel*Joycie*Grayce was born on June 1st at 4:53 a.m. in a natural hospital birth. She weighed 8lbs 6oz and measured 20.5 inches long. She was six days overdue, covered in vernix, had almost a completely bald little head, and her eyes were bright and alert. Her sweetness was apparent instantly. In every way, she is perfect.

It’s hard to accept that she is our last child. I’m still not sure she is, though my husband adamantly disagrees. But that’s another story for another day.

Today, I am savoring every moment. The snuggles. The sleepy sighs. The dreamy smiles. Her tiny, precious weight against my chest.

These are the best days of my life and I am treasuring every one of them.

The Power of Love

It’s 4:30am here on the west coast and I am awake, watching the royal wedding with the rest of the world. The bishop just finished his sermon on the power of love and now “Stand by Me” is being sung by the choir and I just want to cry all the tears.

Weddings make me cry. Young love and new beginnings make me cry. My enduring fascination and love for the royal family makes me cry. And pregnancy hormones make me cry.

I’m a mess.

A mess mostly because I’m just so thankful that I, too, get to know the power of love. All good things in my life began with falling in love with my husband and, now, we have three children whom give us more joy and love than we ever could have imagined. It’s a whole new level of love.

A love that will be taken a step further even as we prepare to welcome Baby #4 very soon. I’m exactly a week away from my due date and, given our journey and my lifelong dream of having a large family, it is incredible, and surreal, and magical, and bittersweet, and everything in between.

View More: http://penguin-pictures.pass.us/robinson-2018

And though, as ever, I worry that something will happen between now and this baby’s lively entrance into the world, I am trusting it will all work out. And I am so excited to meet this child. Though closing this chapter of our lives is a mixed bag of emotions, this baby is the missing puzzle piece we’ve been waiting for all along. This baby will complete our family and, in this moment, I can hardly even believe this is real life. It seems that, no so long ago, I wondered if I would ever have one, or two, children. And now we are about to welcome our fourth. A dream come true. My own little fairytale. I will pop in once more after the birth to give the baby stats.

Oh, and one more thing…

It’s a girl!!!

And so it begins (again)…

It’s been a while since I showed my face here (so to speak), I know. I’m just not sure this is the right place for me anymore. Most of my blogging buddies of 2012-13 have moved on, thankfully every last one of them with a baby in their arms (I think). I miss them, but am over-the-moon that they are not stuck in this space of infertility and loss and grief and desperation forever. That’s not to say everyone makes it out of this space, of course. But I’m thankful most do, however hard the journey may be.

All of that to say, my corner of the online world is not the same without them, and not the same now that I have a handful of kids instead of just one. It’s weird to be an infertile blogger and trying to have a baby, all the while there are three children screaming “Mom! Mom! Mom!” from the next room as I write. I recently searched for blogs with a writer who was in a similar situation — trying to have a third or fourth or fifth baby. Do you know how many I found? NONE. Not a single one. And maybe I didn’t look hard enough, but clearly they are few and far between.

And so I don’t know if I’ll continue coming here. Maybe I will, as a journal, meant for me and no one else. Maybe I’ll pop in for an update once in a purple moon. But I imagine there will be a lot of silence from here on out.

And yet, there are a few of you out there, some frequent commenters and other shadow-lurkers, who have read and followed this blog faithfully. First, I say thank you. And as a sign of my gratitude and devotion, I’ll leave you with this:

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Let me just say that it’s still early. I’m not yet 5 weeks. And I’m scared. But just as a blogging friend-turned-in-real-life-friend warned me against earlier this week, I’m trying very, very hard not to let my fear steal my joy away. Today, I’m pregnant. And today, I’m utterly thankful, so happy, and hoping with all I’ve got that, in 8-9 months, there will be a healthy baby in my arms and, finally, our family will be complete.

What a day that will be.