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I Was Wrong

Here is what I know now:

I thought I had my body figured out, sort of.

I thought that I knew what to expect, sort of.

I believed that because lightning struck once, it just might strike again.

I was arrogant; I was cocky.

I really did think that baby #4 was a given.

And I thought that, even if I didn’t get pregnant with my one lucky post-weaning ovulation, I was at peace with taking Clomid again. No big deal.

But now, as I stand here on the eve of swallowing my first Clomid pill in many years, I know just how wrong I was about it all.

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Not Surprised

Just a quick post to say my period is here. It’s 13dpo and, as my temp dropped on Thursday, I have spent the last 60 hours or so, waiting for the bleeding to begin. It usually starts the day my BBT dips and, when it didn’t, I became frantic and panicky because I began to worry about having a cyst and cancelled cycles and so on and so on. So really, more than anything, seeing the blood is now a relief. I’m still disappointed because this all freaking sucks, but I’m okay. I’m okay.

She’s here. (said in a dry, unamused voice)

“She” being my period. The witch.

Not that I haven’t been expecting her. I have. I knew she was coming from CD1 and certainly from the cystic pimples that have surfaced in the last few days and from how high my cervix was the other night. It is only ever that high right before ovulation and right before the flow begins. I have worn a panty liner for the last two days, waiting for her arrival.

She took her time, but now she is here. And I’m okay with it. It totally sucks, but I’m okay. I expected nothing more.

What I’m not okay with is that, like many unwelcome house guests, she has arrived far too early. At the most, it’s 12dpo, but more likely 10 or 11 days. And I’m pissed that I have this one extra thing to worry about. And confused because, last month, my period came at 16dpo. The month before, at 11dpo. What is going on???

I hope my first appointment with an RE tomorrow will provide some answers. And that she’ll give me a big ol’ band-aid to fix this problem. And that I’ll walk away feeling relief. We don’t always get what we hope for, though, do we?

The one silver lining in all of this? Yesterday was Halloween and there is plenty of candy laying around for me to indulge in while I nurse my wounds. What a consolation prize.

I lied.

Well, remember when I stated here that I didn’t really care if I conceived this cycle? And remember when I said here that I didn’t have much faith for this go-around?

Well, I lied.

I did care and I did hope

And that, my friends, is why the spotting and BFN, at 16dpo, are such a bitch.

I hate this. Absolutely effing hate it.

….And All Hope is Lost.

I started bleeding just moments ago. It’s CD1 again. Which makes it official, I guess: this is, by far, the shortest cycle I’ve ever had. And now I have something new to worry about.

Does anyone have experience with a short luteal phase or bleeding around 11dpo? Or know someone who does? Does this, indeed, mean that something is wrong? What exactly does this say about my (in)fertility and what can I do about it? Is this being caused by the Clomid, or in spite of it? (I just read that Clomid, in conjunction with progesterone supplements, is often used to counteract a luteal phase defect.)

I have an appointment to see my OB on Monday, mostly because I need to renew my Clomid prescription. But any suggestions for questions I should be asking him? I’ll ask about monitoring (but still unsure if I want this because of the cost), having some of my blood work redone, getting a prescription for progesterone for after my next ovulation, and possibly increasing my Clomid dose (unsure if this is necessary, too). But I’m not very assertive and it’s going to be hard for me to push for anything that he doesn’t think is a good idea or want to do. I’m not proud of being such a timid mouse. It’s just the way I am. The way I have always been.

And now, I’m scared out of my wits, too. So scared. Of everything.