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And so it begins (again)…

It’s been a while since I showed my face here (so to speak), I know. I’m just not sure this is the right place for me anymore. Most of my blogging buddies of 2012-13 have moved on, thankfully every last one of them with a baby in their arms (I think). I miss them, but am over-the-moon that they are not stuck in this space of infertility and loss and grief and desperation forever. That’s not to say everyone makes it out of this space, of course. But I’m thankful most do, however hard the journey may be.

All of that to say, my corner of the online world is not the same without them, and not the same now that I have a handful of kids instead of just one. It’s weird to be an infertile blogger and trying to have a baby, all the while there are three children screaming “Mom! Mom! Mom!” from the next room as I write. I recently searched for blogs with a writer who was in a similar situation — trying to have a third or fourth or fifth baby. Do you know how many I found? NONE. Not a single one. And maybe I didn’t look hard enough, but clearly they are few and far between.

And so I don’t know if I’ll continue coming here. Maybe I will, as a journal, meant for me and no one else. Maybe I’ll pop in for an update once in a purple moon. But I imagine there will be a lot of silence from here on out.

And yet, there are a few of you out there, some frequent commenters and other shadow-lurkers, who have read and followed this blog faithfully. First, I say thank you. And as a sign of my gratitude and devotion, I’ll leave you with this:

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Let me just say that it’s still early. I’m not yet 5 weeks. And I’m scared. But just as a blogging friend-turned-in-real-life-friend warned me against earlier this week, I’m trying very, very hard not to let my fear steal my joy away. Today, I’m pregnant. And today, I’m utterly thankful, so happy, and hoping with all I’ve got that, in 8-9 months, there will be a healthy baby in my arms and, finally, our family will be complete.

What a day that will be.

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Things I Know for Sure

This post may not be for those who are in a difficult place right now. Please read at your own risk. XO

Life is full of uncertainties, unknowns, questions without answers, and doubts. But there are a few things I know for sure:

1. Everything is made better with chocolate on it or beside it.

2. I am happiest when I am eating or traveling.

3. One of the most beautiful sunsets I have ever seen was at my in-laws’ on Thanksgiving Day:

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4. There will always be someone better off than me, and always someone who is suffering more.

5. I am never too old to enjoy playing with my daughter’s princess castle and pretending to be Cinderella.

6. A few kind words go a long way.

7. My sister and I are very different, but she is the only sister I have, and I am grateful she is mine.

8. It is better to ask about someone’s loss and grief, and risk saying the wrong thing, than to ignore it and let them believe you don’t care at all.

9. “The Wheels on the Bus” has endless verse possibilities…and yet, every one of them gets old very fast.

10. The best day of my life was the day I first held Cupcake in my arms, and the worst day was the day I learned Teddy Graham was gone.

11. It is never too late to say “I’m sorry.”

12. The best thing I ever ate (or drank?) was a toasted marshmallow milkshake at Strand in New York City.

13. Life is full of surprises, some of them horribly horrible and many others wonderfully wonderful.

14. You often get what you want the most when you least expect it.

15. Miracles can happen.

16. I don’t want to cause more damage or brokenness to any of you, my friends and followers, you who have lifted me up, who have handed me peace on a silver platter, who have hugged me across the miles, who have taken the loneliness out of my infertility, who have offered support, advice, and love. I know, truly, I just want all of you to be okay.

17. My husband’s semen analysis was either wrong…OR sperm morphology just really doesn’t matter much.

18. Clomid is still my best friend.

19. I haveĀ  $400 worth of injectables stuffed into my fridge that hopefully I will never have to use.

20. I am scared. Scared witless or scared sh*tless, take your pick.

And finally, I know for sure that…

21. In one instant, everything can change….hope and fear can combine and combust…my future can be laid out for me in a million wondrous and awful ways and the only thing I can do is wait to see which way it will go…all because of one little test taken yesterday morning that has made it perfectly clear why my period never came :

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