I’m Weak…and a Mess.

Well, I know I promised you all an in-depth, highly scientific analysis of all possible pregnancy symptoms, but that will have to wait for another day. Because since yesterday afternoon, I have been a mess. Overly anxious. Worried. Stressed. Fearful. All because I have not been feeling as many signs and symptoms as I think I should be and, thus, I am convinced there is a very real possibility that I might not be pregnant.

And today in a moment of weakness, at 9dpo, I peed on a stick.

Big. Fat. Negative.

The strange thing is that I’m not, generally, an early tester. I’m the most impatient person in the world (look me up in The Guinness Book of World Records…I’m sure I’m there!) and yet I always, always hold out as long as I possibly can when it comes to testing. With both of my past pregnancies, I waited until at least 3 days past my missed period before bringing out the HPTs. But this time, being weighed down by all that worry, I decided to give in and just do it today in the hopes that, by the grace of God, there might be the faintest of faint lines visible. There was not, and of course it has done nothing but cause me more worry.

And yes, I know it’s still early. Very early.  Certainly, there are people who get a positive test by now, but there are also plenty who don’t.  The egg does not generally implant until 6-10 days after ovulation and it will be a day or two after implantation before there is enough hCG to be detected by an HPT. So there is still hope, but right now, it’s feeling hard to have it.

Part of where the problem lies is that I have been hanging everything I have on this cycle. After my miscarriage, I told myself that if I can only make it to this second round of 100mg of Clomid, the one that has always worked for us, I will be okay. Everything will be fine. The whole in my heart will start to fill. Of course, I know a BFP is not a cure-all, but its potential is all I’ve had to get me through some of my darkest days. And if I never get that BFP, at least not this month? I’m afraid I’m going to be right back where I was when I started bleeding during my last pregnancy. I’m going to lose it.

Today, I skipped working out. It’s something I allow myself to do when I’m feeling down. I just lounge around on the couch, watching Today and cuddling my daughter (when she’ll let me) all day long. My brand of “comfort food.” In a way, it feels like I’m already starting to grieve the loss of this cycle.

The Two-Week Wait

Things look promising.

As most of you know from my post on Monday, I got a positive ovulation test on CD14. The four days since then, my BBT has been over 98.0 (before that it was mostly 97.2-97.6). Also, the OPKs have gone back to being completely negative, my cervix has dropped, and now I have creamy-ish CM. So far, so good, I would say.

Which I think makes it official. I’m smack-dab in the middle of the 2WW. My first since starting this blog. And please God, let it be my last.

Is that being too optimistic? I don’t know.

Here’s what I do know:

  • My Honey and I had sexy time the two days before ovulation and the day of. I hope that’s enough.
  • Every time that I have ovulated while TTC (those two measly times in the last two-and-a-half years), I have conceived, even though it was on CD19 in 2010 and CD 22 earlier this year.

That’s not much to go on, but it’s enough to give me hope. And so that’s what I do…all day long, I hope, I pray, and I analyze every possible little symptom or clue my body alludes to. It’s too early, of course — anything I feel now is probably an unpredictable fluke — but I can’t help myself.

So in this moment, I’m feeling more positive and hopeful than I have in so long, since my miscarriage I think. It’s a (slightly terrifying) relief to finally be trying again. And to be at a point where we’ve actually got a shot at a miracle. (Even though ovulating on CD14 feels like a small miracle of its own.)

So for today, I will try not to worry, try to have faith, and try to just enjoy the possibilities. I’m feeling like I can handle anything right now. Even my sister. We have a phone date scheduled for this afternoon to talk our hearts out.

I’m so freaking scared!