Happy Tears

I have not cried over this pregnancy or baby yet, not from fear or joy, but today — when I saw the heartbeat — I did. Tears fell from my eyes before I even knew they were there.

So far, everything looks fantastic. I am much earlier in this pregnancy than I had thought, with baby only measuring at 6w1d today, but there was a strong heartbeat of 120bpm, which the nurse practitioner (who did my u/s) was very happy with. She says, at six weeks, they look for anything over 80 (online research says 100), so 120 is excellent by all accounts. The gestational sac is measuring at 6w6d, which I was assured is nothing to worry about. I didn’t ask about the size of the yolk sac because I didn’t want one more thing to obsess over, but both the NP and my doctor (who came in to talk with me after) said several times that everything looks perfect. They gave me a picture afterwards, one in which the baby really does look like a delicious white Skittle, and it is hard to believe they can see anything when the baby is that small, but I am trusting they know what they’re talking about.

Of course, being this early, it still means we have a long way to go. The next two weeks will be the highest risk of a miscarriage and then it improves from there. I still have a week before I reach the 7w1d mark when I started bleeding in my last pregnancy, but thankfully I do have my next ultrasound scheduled for exactly that day. Hopefully, it will bring nothing but more good news.

In the time since walking out of the clinic, though, I have had plenty of time to worry myself over lots of little things:

  • If I really am only 6w1d, that means my beta was tested when I was 4w6d. At that time, my level was over 10,000, which is extraordinarily high for being so early. What does this mean??? I questioned my doc about it and she said once the beta levels get to be over 1000, they fail to really provide accurate information for dating the pregnancy and everyone metabolizes the hormone differently, so it’s nothing to worry about. “Please don’t google it,” she told me because she knows me so well. But what if it means that something is chromosomally wrong with the baby? Or that I’m actually farther along than they think and the baby is measuring behind? That’s a scary thought.
  • Along the same lines of thinking…the gestational sac is measuring 6w6d while baby is only measuring 6w1d. What if Baby is, again, measuring too small?
  • If I ovulated on January 8, like they think I did based on the size of the little Skittle, that was CD32. But the last time Honey and I had sexy time was CD29. I know it’s possible for his little swimmers to hang around that long, but is it likely? In case you can’t tell, I’m just worried that we have the conception date wrong and Baby isn’t measuring on track.

I don’t know…what do you guys think? Do I need to worry? Or do I just need to take a deep breath and trust the professionals? I’m trying so hard to avoid Google because it brings so many doubts, questions, and worries into my life, but I don’t want to go to next Friday’s ultrasound thinking everything is fine if it’s not.

It’s hard because, with both of my last pregnancies, I never had blood work done and I never saw a heartbeat this early. I never saw one at all with Teddy Graham, but since he was measuring exactly seven weeks when I started bleeding, there probably had been one at some point. Maybe it was slow, maybe not. The problem is…I have nothing to compare this pregnancy to. Maybe that’s good. Maybe it will lead to less obsessing, but I sure would like some reassurance right about now.

But today, I am just trying to enjoy the sense of relief, joy, and hope that seeing that tiny flicker of a heartbeat has brought. I’m trying to focus on the fact that the heart is beating at a fantastic 120 that shows no indication of impending doom. I’m trying to believe that this is all only good news and I am worrying for nothing as I so often d0 and that this year is going to be more beautiful than I could ever have predicted. Please oh please, let that be true.