I just have to get this out.

I hate real estate. I realized that a long time ago, when we bought our first home. There are too many twists and turns, too many curveballs. I don’t have the patience. My nerves aren’t made of steel. My heart isn’t strong enough. I just can’t handle it. I wasn’t MADE for this.

And yet.

Here we are, deep into the process and desperate for a much larger homestead for our family of five, and the only way OUT is through.

A summary: We put our house on the market on a Thursday in August. By the following Monday, we had four offers. We negotiated with the lowest one because it was a cash offer. Eventually, we got them to agree to pay asking price. Swell. We were happy. Everything progressed nicely. Meanwhile, we did our own house-hunting and, after making a total of three offers, one was finally accepted. We were thrilled. This was really happening! The home passed the inspection and appraisal and is now in escrow. We are, potentially, just days away from closing on it. But! BUT. But but but we are on septic (not sewer) here where we live right now and that is where the problem lies. We had to have it inspected as part of the sale and it’s a whole long story, but needless to say, it did not pass inspection. It started as a small problem and has become a HUGE problem (how? don’t ask me! this whole thing is a ridiculous, convoluted mystery) and we have consulted with five different companies and no one is in agreement of what needs to be done or how to do it. We have already extended the closing on our house once and are in danger of doing that again, if we don’t get this fixed NOW. We’re at a crossroads…fix it (which could, quite literally, take months and cost anywhere from $3500 to $25000) and delay closing (again) and probably lose the house we want to buy…or offer a hefty reduction in price to the buyer and hope he will be willing to take this on himself.

It’s a mess. I am a mess. My husband and I are fighting. I’m yelling at the kids. In a fit of rage, I nearly threw my husband’s shoe out the front door and into the mud, which is laughable now, but felt anything but in the moment. Through the ups and many, many downs of this, I have tossed around the word “divorce,” callously mentioned killing myself, and threatened to walk away from my life and never look back. None of which I meant. Not even for a second. That’s not how I — normally — talk or think.

But I don’t feel normal right now. I feel one broken nail away from having a complete meltdown. I am saying and doing things that are not me — not who I strive to be — and I hate myself for it. I feel ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted. Between the loss of my dad, Cupcake’s start to kindergarten, planning a big party for Poppy and Skittle in just two weeks, and — most of all — all of the stress of trying to buy a house, sell a house, and pack up 1500 square feet of JUNK and CLUTTER while also dealing with two children who scream and cry all day long and a baby who likes me to constantly be near him…I feel as if I am about to break. Something is going to go wrong and I am going to be one of those people who ends up having a mental break, and is found butt naked, wandering down Main Street in a daze. See that woman with her boobs flopping in the breeze? That is ME.

I say it tongue in cheek, but seriously…how much more? How much more can I take? I keep saying I can’t handle any more and I do, but I’m not doing it well. And I know these are First World problems. It’s just a house. It’s just money. I’m thankful I have both. My husband keeps reminding me that I don’t have to eat in the same place that I defecate, so I’m already winning at life and — yes! Holy cow, yes! I get that I live a rather good, easy life. I’m lucky in many, many ways. But still. This is my reality and I want more for our family.

Since Poppy’s arrival, I have felt cramped and claustrophobic in this house. Even a good spring cleaning didn’t give me much breathing room. My home — my safe haven — is starting to choke the life out of me. We need more space to spread out. We need a fresh start. And that house we want to buy? It already feels like Home. I can see our pictures hung on the walls. I can hear the kids squealing and screeching as they ride their bikes in the culdesac and I watch them from one of the balconies with a cup of coffee and a good book in hand. (Haha. Nice dream, right?) I have imagined Halloween spent there, finally in a real neighborhood where the kids can go trick-or-treating. I know where I want to put our Christmas tree. This is where I want my children to grow up. I can’t let the hope of that go. This house is it. I feel it. And the thought of losing it makes me go crazy. I’m afraid nothing else will ever be good enough and I’ll spend the rest of my life mourning The One That Got Away. Not to mention, the thought of going through all of this again with some other house down the road pretty much makes me sick. I’m not cut out for this, remember?

I’m rambling now. What was my point again? Your guess is as good as mine. But I feel my walls going up. I feel guarded. I’m not motivated to pack anymore. I’ve stopped window-shopping online for all the ways I want to beautify our home. I qualify every conversation about the house with “if we get this house…” I’ve said on more than one occasion that this feels painfully similar to those times when I have been pregnant. So hopeful. Desperate for it all to work out. But so, so afraid to make any solid plans…to prepare for The Big Day…to count my chickens before they hatch. I lived in fear of a miscarriage then. I live in fear of losing this house now. And though they can’t be compared, not really, my heart can’t really separate the difference in this moment.

I just want everything to be okay.

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5 thoughts on “I just have to get this out.

  1. You sound like you are suffering from anxiety and depression. You owe it to yourself and your family to quit coping (cuz it’s not working) and get some help via therapy and possibly medication. You need a coach (a therapist) to help you navigate the “land mines” in your life right now. You have a ton on your plate and your feelings are valid. But your behavior is not. I say this out of love–you know better, so do better. And I wish you well on everything. XOXO

  2. You have a crazy amount of stuff going on right now, I don’t blame you for all the stress! If it were me and we could afford it (which is a big IF) I THINK I would reduce the price of the house and sell and get out and into the house you are already making your home … but of course it is so simplistic from over here, on the other side of the computer, when it’s not my life.

    IF you do get the house and you are moving and can afford it – I highly highly highly recommend you HIRE MOVERS AND PACKERS. We had people pack our home and it was worth every penny. We left our home one day with just the kids, cats, and a car full of necessities… two days later our stuff arrived, we did not lift a finger otherwise, and with all the kids that is enough work. We don’t plan on moving again ever, or not for a long time, so it was worth it just to deal with the kids and not the stuff.

    Do your best to take care of yourself, I know it’s hard because there’s so much to do. Even if that means remembering you need to go to the dentist or the eye doctor, it’s not like getting a massage but it is sending a message to yourself and your body that you are also important and your maintenance is important. In the midst of my crazy time when the kids were home from camp and school and I was planning the big birthday party and the big cross country trip, I know it was crazy but I went to the dentist, my husband was like why did you schedule this for right now?!?! And the dentist was like, what fun plans do you have for yourself, and I said THIS IS IT. It wasn’t fun, I HATE the dentist, but I felt good anyway for taking care of myself literally. There’s only so much chocolate I can consume before self care starts to feel self destructive, and while that threshold is pretty high, I have reached it believe it or not!

    HUGS!!!

  3. I know you didn’t write this as a comedy, but I sort of giggled when I read it because it sounds like such a tragic comedy of errors, which I feel like almost all real estate transactions are. Chin up, you will swim through it and come out intact! No tromping down main street naked 🙂

  4. I feel your pain so much on this! When we bought our home 2 years ago it set us on edge too. It was a true test of our faith. Even now that it’s over, I’m in the midst of similar throws of anxiety on the verge of my own meltdown. But taking it one day at a time…
    Praying for you, girl. It will get better. Everything ends. Even bad things hope things brighten up for you soon!

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