An Update, Because I Have Nothing Better to Discuss

Why, hello there.

It’s been a while. Or at least, it feels like it has. I’ve been so busy lately and I just haven’t had the energy, ability, or desire to write something worthwhile. At least not here, in this venue. But I’m feeding Poppy right now while binge-watching Army Wives, and I thought it would be a good time to pop in for a quick update on all the happenings in the Dash home.

So, here we go…

ME:

  • My mom left on Monday after spending eleven days with us. It was a glorious visit filled with lots of fun and laughter and very little strife, but I was on the go every second she was here. There were days I was only at home to sleep. I am exhausted. And lonely once again now that she is gone. Getting back into our old routine is always a little hard.
  • Breastfeeding continues and I donate hundreds of ounces every month to a set of twins who were born just a week after Poppy. Have I mentioned that before? I’m glad my body does this one thing right. And thankful that is has helped me to reach my goal weight earlier than I ever have postpartum, despite the copious amounts of sugar I’ve been eating. Breastfeeding cravings are seriously no joke!
  • Another essay of mine will be published on Scary Mommy on June 15th. This one will be published under “Anonymous” (to protect my kids) and is a bit more controversial than the last. I’m nervous about some of the hate it will surely get, but plan to brush it off and embrace the moment.
  • I’ve been thinking a lot about the future. This is really another post for another day, but I’m getting the itch to start “trying” again. We’ll be waiting until next spring, but I feel hopeful and scared and anxious for it all at once. I’m ready for it. But I’m not. But I am. But I’m not. And on and on it goes and always, at the back of my mind, there’s the question of whether I’ll ever even have the chance to have a fourth, ready or not.

HONEY:

  • We should hear any day or minute about what kind of raise or promotion he will or will not be getting. He recently retained a mega-million-dollar account for his company and worked his ass off to do it, so we’re hopeful they will compensate him accordingly and we will be deeply disappointed if they decide not to.
  • He’s always and ever an incredible husband and father. Hard-working. Jovial. Steady. The rock of our family. I’m the one who stays at home and yet he does so much to help me. Every day, I am reminded how lucky I am.

CUPCAKE:

  • She is about to graduate from preschool and I feel excited and a teensy sad to be staring kindergarten straight in the face. She looks forward to school every day, though, and I really, really hope that continues. It reminds me so much of myself.
  • That Scary Mommy essay I mentioned earlier? It’s about her. About how difficult it can be to be her mother, with the amount of attitude and grief that she throws at me on a daily basis. I really hope I don’t regret being so very honest in such a public format. Mom-guilt is real and constant and I’m already feeling it over this. Especially considering that, since writing this, she hasn’t given me many problems at all. I’m thankful for that, but it’s also very…curious. Could she be outgrowing it, after all? Or am I just immune to it after all these years?
  • The other day, she said to me out of the blue, “Mommy, I know you want another baby, but if you can’t have one, I’ll let you play with some of my dolls.” If only it were that easy, sweetheart. If only. And also…please don’t let this be some sign of what is — or is not — to come.

SKITTLE:

  • We just embarked on potty-training not long ago. We haven’t had many successes yet, but not many accidents either. Apparently, this kid has a bladder of steel.
  • She’s starting to talk, act, look, and walk more like a little girl than a baby. It breaks my heart, but I am enjoying every minute of this age with her. Everything she does is adorable. My favorite is when she dramatically throws herself onto the floor and says, “It’s no fair!” Any guesses where she learned that from?

POPPY:

  • Still no teeth. Still screaming in the middle of some nights and at random times during the day as if they will be arriving any moment. And he’s also taken to clamping down — hard — while nursing. This period of teething is so fun.
  • In the last week, he has gone from rolling around and getting stuck in odd places and then screaming for help to efficiently army crawling and getting to exactly what he wants. The dog food & water bowls now remain on the countertop during Poppy’s waking hours.
  • He had a prolonged cough and wheeze for months and there was talk of asthma, but the cough and wheeze are now almost entirely gone. Fingers crossed they stay that way!

WHAT ELSE:

  • We have started the home selling/buying process. At three bedrooms and 1500 square feet, we are maxed out on space here. I feel sentimental over leaving the only home our three children have ever known, a home that has seen me through some of my best and worst life moments, but we desperately need more space. I’m excited for what is to come, but I feel overwhelmed and stressed about the whole process. There’s so much to do! And how does anyone accomplish all of it with KIDS?!
  • Poppy and I will be flying to Idaho in a few weeks to visit my mom for a long weekend. And, later in the summer, we have two short beach getaways planned. We really should be spending our weekends and money getting our house ready to be put on the market, but quality family time is important. Or at least that’s what I tell myself every time I start to feel guilty about it.

So with all of that going on, I’m not really sure when I’ll be returning here. It may be in a week, or a month, or a year. I want this to be a place I can turn to, a release, a diary, but not an obligation. I’ll be back, maybe at the peak of craziness when I crave a shoulder to lean on, or maybe once the dust settles. This summer is going to be a whirlwind. And no matter what yours has in store for you, I hope you all are able to take a few minutes to enjoy a mojito and the sun on your face. Life is beautiful. Even when it’s hard, it’s beautiful.

Be well, friends. I’ll see you again soon. xo

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10 thoughts on “An Update, Because I Have Nothing Better to Discuss

  1. I love this update! And I love you! I feel such a strong sense of fondness for you and your beautiful family. At the same time I think you are insane for considering a fourth! Haha! But I get it. And I want that for you. I also hope you find an awesome house! Start packing now. For real. But enjoy those vacas too!

  2. So glad to see an update from you!! Your certainly have been and will be quite busy! I am excited for you to be thinking about a fourth. I defnitely see it in your future. πŸ™‚

    And I look forward to reading the SM article. I struggle mightily with the sass I get from Miss S. Everyday, typically multiple times a day, we have major sobbing, screaming, kicking melt-downs from her, typically over something like brushing her hair or washing her hands. It drives me mad. But then when she’s “fine,” which honestly is the vast majority of the time but is often overshadowed by those dramatic episodes, she’s amazingly sweet and charming and funny and fun. So we struggle. So much so that I wonder if maybe I shouldn’t even have a 3rd when I do such a poor job parenting my 1st. Sigh.

    • The dissonance between my sweet, loving, helpful Cupcake and her more difficult, defiant, and emotional side is something I struggle with every day. Ten minutes ago, she was happily coloring at the table. But right this minute, she is seriously sobbing (and has been for five minutes) because I’m feeding the baby and won’t get her some scotch tape. And on and on it goes throughout the day. It’s so hard! And that last statement you made? I GET that. I have been there so many times, wondering if it’s wrong of me to want another when I can’t control at least one of the ones I already have. More mom-guilt. Ugh.

  3. Oh boy you are thinking about a 4th? I am quite set with being done after two (baby boy arrives next month!), so forgive me if I think that you are a little crazy for wanting four kids! πŸ™‚

    Crossing my fingers that your husband gets what sounds like a well-deserved promotion. Good for you to donate your extra breastmilk to others! Sounds like things are going well.

    • Sometimes *I* think I’m a little crazy for wanting four kids too! But from my early days as an only child, I always knew I wanted a gigantic family. So onward and upward… Congratulations on the impending arrival of your little man!!!

  4. Hi Cassie,
    It’s nice to hear a update from you. Kudos to you for donating your breastmilk. I think pumping is so hard. I’m glad you’re writing again πŸ™‚ I love your writing style. I would love to see your piece, if you feel comfortable posting a link here. Congrats to your husband and I hope he gets a well deserved raise. It sounds like your kids are keeping you really busy. I hope you enjoy your visit to your mom (does she live really far away?). Skittle’s age is my absolute favorite! I hope trying for your 4th will be as easy as Poppy was. You’re not crazy for wanting a 4th. I grew up in a LARGE family (more than 4!!) and LOVE it.

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