Unexpected

There’s no other word for it.

Well, that’s not entirely true, is it? There are other words for it really…surprising, unplanned for, accidental, unforeseen. There are more surely, but “unexpected” seems to perfectly describe the course my life has taken. The path most of us infertiles face. The pregnancies that come when we’ve hit rock bottom. The losses that occur just when we start to feel “safe.”

And it’s unexpected that I’m coming here now, under much different circumstances than I predicted in my last post. I’m here because I need to say this, because I need to tell you, though I don’t have the right words to say or know how it will be received. But let’s not beat around the bush.

I’m pregnant.

Unexpectedly expecting, so to speak.

In fact, today I am thirteen weeks pregnant. Entering my second trimester. I have had three ultrasounds. Baby has a good heartbeat and is measuring a couple days ahead. When I start to feel anxious, I bring out the doppler and search for that heartbeat while muttering prayer after prayer. It all still feels unreal.

This is my first natural pregnancy. No Clomid, or RE, or monitoring. No endless cycles of hope and then failure. My body is a funny thing. Since puberty, it has not cycled regularly. It did not know how to put all the pieces together to make it all function so that a mature egg would be released on a monthly basis. By my college days, it hardly happened at all. And yet, there is something about the weaning process that just works for my body. My menstrual cycles don’t start until after I wean my babies, but always within thirty days of the time when I have officially stopped breastfeeding, I ovulate. And this time, I was prepared for it. Watching and waiting and having a bit more sex than is usual for us. They say it only takes once and I’m proof that it does.

I’ve been wanting to come here for a while now to share my news. But I didn’t know what to say. And I was scared. Scared that putting my news out into the world would be an irreversible curse. But if I’m being completely honest, even more scared that the easy road I have walked to achieve this pregnancy would mean I was no longer wanted or welcomed here. I didn’t want to face the rejection.

The day I learned I was pregnant, I told two of my good friends. One of them said to me, “See! You’re not really infertile at all!” I didn’t say much to that (well, I did actually — I argued with her over it, but she didn’t want to hear me or believe me, so I let it go), but she just clearly has no idea. If I hadn’t caught that one lucky, post-weaning egg, we would be right back where we were two or three years ago as we were trying to conceive Skittle…smack dab in the middle of Clomid and uncertainty. One ovulation doesn’t mean anything. I will always be infertile. Who else prays so fervently countless times each day for a healthy baby? Who else has high blood pressure only when at the OB’s office? Who else lives from one doppler listening to the next, just hoping her baby will still be alive? There was once a time when I wanted nothing more than to be as fertile as the next gal. But infertility is part of my identity now, a part I am not ashamed to own anymore. And if I don’t belong here, in this community, then I don’t know where I belong at all.

With that said, I don’t know if I’ll be posting here again in this pregnancy. That’s not to say that I definitely won’t…I just really don’t know. Maybe it will depend on the feedback I get to this post. Maybe it will depend on how anxious I become over the next few days or weeks or months. Maybe it will depend on something completely unexpected. I think when it’s time to post again, I’ll know. I’ve known this post needed to be written for weeks now and I will trust my heart to tell me when there is more to say.

Until then…may life’s unexpected twists and turns be kind to you, friends. Thinking of you all. xo

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24 thoughts on “Unexpected

  1. This is such great, special news in my blog world. May God bless you with not only a healty pregnancy but also the faith to believe that everything will be okay. And even if you don’t post again in the next 27ish weeks, please let us know when he or she arrives! Best wishes!! 💚

  2. Congratulations! I, for one, would love to read whatever you’re willing to share about this pregnancy. The fact that the timing happened to work out this time doesn’t erase everything you went through before or make you any less a part of this community. I hope the rest of your pregnancy is blissfully uneventful!

  3. First off – congratulations!!! I’m so happy for you, Honey, and the girls! (Also, thank you for posting here! For some reason I’d have been shocked to see it first on the old FB.)

    Secondly – Funny that this seems so unexpected to you. It doesn’t to me. As soon as I saw a post from you I assumed that it would be this wonderful news and I am so glad that it is. You have always seemed to be very in tune with your body so it’s no surprise that you knew about and caught that one egg. Plus your journey has been so full of twists and turns and surprises that a sort-of surprise BFP at this point is just par for the course. 😉

    Thirdly – Can you tell me more about weaning and then periods? When did you wean? I got my first post-partum period with Sofia at close to 15 months, the following cycle was long but ovulatory, and then nada (though I was still nursing). This time around I got my first PP period a 11.25 months but that’s been it (going on like 2.5 months now). I’m still nursing a good bit, though, and wondering if maybe long, irregular cycles will be my norm until weaning (and, who am I kidding?, after as well)… Anyway, sorry to make this about me, but wondered if you’d elaborate. 😉

    Fourth – Back to the real business: congrats again!!!

    • Thanks for all the kind words, friend! And I’m happy to elaborate on the weaning, though I’m not sure how much insight I really have to share.

      I weaned Cupcake at exactly one year and Skittle at a little over 14 months. I would have nursed them both much longer, but I was anxious to get back on the TTC train and have never gotten my period until after I stop breastfeeding completely. But always as soon as I wean, I ovulate within the first month.

      But after that…I don’t know what happens naturally, honestly. When I weaned Cupcake, I got my first period and started Clomid right away. And when I weaned Skittle, I ovulated and got pregnant before ever even getting a period. I have no idea what would happen if I wasn’t TTC, though I’ve always wondered. I’m sure that’s not very helpful to you at all, but I have heard the first few periods after having a baby can be very irregular, and I imagine even more so for those of us who already struggle with that. Especially since you’re still breastfeeding. I hope you can get your own cycles figured out with time. And thank you again for all the love and support!

  4. Congratulations, friend! I could not be more thrilled for you and I sincerely can’t wait to follow along on this new adventure. I hope you will make more regular updates! 🙂

  5. Congratulations! I know what you mean. Although I have four healthy babies now, I will always be the girl with PCOS and h/o infertility early on and recurrent miscarriage until the very end of my childbearing days. People probably look at my family and think I’m “fertile Myrtle,” and could never understand their struggles to create their family, but the old saying holds perfectly true: “You can’t judge a book by its cover.”

  6. Congratulations! It’s also exciting to read about one of us getting pregnant without the help of drugs and/or doctors!

  7. This is something we all wish for and hope will happen. It’s true that it doesn’t always work out, but I have seen it many more times than I can count. It’s what is keeping me from throwing in the towel on a second baby. Hope. Congrats on this lovely news and take care!

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