Well, well, friends. It’s been a long time. Hello!!! How long ago it was that I last posted here. Do you remember me? Does anyone still have this blog on their readers? If you’re still out there…thank you.
It’s been nearly a year since I turned out the lights on Waiting to Expand. I have missed all of you. Skittle is one now and all chub and smiles:
She has grown too fast and time has passed too quickly, as is the usual refrain of parenthood. But she is the perfect addition to our little family. Her big sister Cupcake (who is four now!!!) is smitten with her (mostly) and Honey and I have enjoyed watching the bond between sisters blossom. It’s not something I have ever had — even after finding my long-lost half-sister as an adult — and it’s beautiful.
It has been an incredible year filled with road trips and beach visits and Disneyland and so many firsts — first plane ride, first laugh, first taste of grass (haha), first kisses. She’s not walking yet, but I know that won’t be far off. It has also been a year of some struggles — just one of them being that we’ve been waging a war against Skittle’s tenacious eczema (seriously! I’ve never known eczema could be this bad) and a multitude of food allergies for what seems like a very long time. But as I approach another anniversary for Teddy Graham’s unfulfilled due date, the trials we have faced this year mean very little and I am only filled with gratitude. I get teary-eyed thinking of how far we’ve come and where I was just two years ago. Lost and scared and grief-stricken. I still feel in touch with those emotions, but for now they are overshadowed by thankfulness and joy for the two beautiful girls I do have.
There have been many times over the last twelve months where I have thought of you — collectively and, many of you, individually. My blogging family. My dear friends who once knew my body almost as well as I did. I have wanted to turn here on a number of occasions, not just to rant and rave and cry over the lasting scars of infertility, but to talk about other things as well — friends who have disappointed me, times I have been hurt, frustrations with my husband, worry about my parents. This space is a safe place for me and I have missed it. At times, I have longed for nothing more than to come here to purge my sorrow and regret and sadness when I have felt it so deeply, it has left me weeping into my pillow. There have been many births in my life this year — including the birth of a sweet baby boy to my friend Lillian — and just as many pregnancy announcements. And why those are still a little hard for my heart to handle, I can’t quite say, but I have often said to myself, “They would understand.” They being you. All of you. There are so many mixed emotions when it comes to conception and pregnancy and childbirth, I’m not sure it will ever be so simple for me to celebrate any new baby. And I’m learning to be okay with that. To carry the sorrow and happiness side by side. It’s either that, or forever be bitter for what others have and for what I cannot have so easily.
I don’t yet know if I’ll return to blogging. I’m in the process of weaning Skittle (after fourteen months of breastfeeding) and Honey and I are about to start “trying” again. We may just try timed intercourse, seed cycling (google it, all you PCOSers!), and some herbs (Vitex) at first. But we’ll most likely toss the Vitex and add Clomid into the mix before too long (because I’m just a naturally impatient person). I’ve already started Metformin and I have my prescription for progesterone and Clomid in hand. And maybe as I start to feel anxious and desperate and panicked once more, I’ll be ready to come back here to seek and give more support. I’m scared to be on this road again — excited, but mostly very, very scared.
Until then…take care. Where ever you are at in your journey, I wish you peace and strength and hope. Be kind and gentle with yourselves and may every one of your dreams come true. Happy Holidays. I’ll be seeing you again, friends. xo