Today, Skittle is due.
She should be here.
Within the next week, she will be. We know that now. My OB and I talked induction today and, while he would normally let a healthy pregnancy continue until 42 weeks and normally he’d suggest a woman with elevated blood pressure be induced on her due date, he is comfortable with letting me fall in the middle as long as Skittle continues to pass her NST’s and my amniotic fluid level remains adequate. So if I don’t go into labor by 41 weeks, an induction it is.
I don’t know how I feel about this. Okay, I do… I don’t want an induction. I have made it very clear that I am ever so hopeful for a natural birth. I know some people don’t understand this. I have heard many comments about why would I want to endure the pain of labor and delivery when an epidural is harmless and how an induction is “no big deal,” but I don’t feel that way. At all. Please know that I am not passing judgment on the choice you make for you and your baby. For the record, I had both an induction and epidural with Cupcake. And I don’t regret it, nor am I ashamed of it. But for me and Skittle, I want something different.
There are many reasons I’m choosing to fight for a natural birth and I won’t bore you with all the details. But most of all, I feel compelled to try for one because I am ready to fall in love with my body again. As I’m sure many of you can understand, while TTC and grieving over the loss of our Teddy Graham, I lost faith in what my body could do. I stopped believing it could do anything right. I hated myself and I hated the shell I was trapped in. But I believe experiencing the pain of labor in its entirety will somehow heal me and empower me. I believe it will make me feel more alive than I have ever felt in my thirty years. I crave that.
The truth is, I don’t know if I can do it. I do know labor hurts. And I have even less confidence in my ability to endure it if I am induced, because Cervadil and Pitocin cause contractions that are unnaturally painful. But either way, I will try. That’s all I can do. And if I do have to be induced, I will know that it’s the right answer. That I’m doing exactly what I need to in order to protect Skittle. That there was no other choice.
And I suppose there will be some healing and empowerment in that too, knowing that finally, I can bring another child safely into this world.
P.S. Final bump photo is up on the Skittle page!