Big. Fat. FAIL.

On Sunday, I took the 1-hour GTT to screen for gestational diabetes. Last night, the results arrived in my e-mail inbox.

FAIL.

Well, that’s not what the e-mail actually said, but that’s essentially what it meant. My blood sugar should have been under 140 one hour post-sugar drink. It was 151. That’s not a horrific number, but it’s high enough to mean I’ll have to return for the 3-hour test this weekend.

Of course. This pregnancy has been textbook so far. Everything has been going so smoothly. Life has been perfect. Of course something has to go wrong.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I cried my eyes out last night over this, and again twice this morning. I mean, I sobbed. Until my face was swollen like a puffer fish. Until my head ached. Until my eyes were the bloodshot peepers of a drug addict. Until, perhaps, my brain and heart bled. I think I may have even said, “I’m going to kill my baaaabeee!” More than once. Yes, I’m being melodramatic. I know this isn’t the end of the world, as my mom kept reminding me while I cried into the phone. I know that, if I do indeed have GD, it’s manageable. I know Skittle can, and probably will, be okay.

But.

I’m just so disappointed. Disappointed that my perfect pregnancy has to throw me a curve ball. Disappointed that I have something new to worry and obsess over. Mostly, disappointed in my body and myself. My stupid body, that does so little right. And my stupid self, because I have had a much stronger sweet tooth in this pregnancy and because I have let myself indulge at times. I now regret every damn bite. And I feel such guilt. This is all my fault.

I wish I had prepared myself for this possibility, but I never saw it coming. With my first pregnancy, I passed the 1-hour test with flying colors. (One hour after downing the sugary drink, my blood sugar was a fantastic 96.) I’ve also taken the three-hour test before, in screening for PCOS, and I failed the two-hour blood draw, but never the one-hour. Now, I’m scared I’ll fail the one-hour and two-hour, which would then give me the GD diagnosis. And what could this mean? Why is there such a huge difference in my body’s response this time??? Is it the Metformin I’m taking? Is the test wrong? Is it the sugary treats I’ve had? Or is it that, just as in everything else, this pregnancy is turning out to be truly, truly different from my first?

I don’t know, but I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I feel like all enthusiasm about this pregnancy has drained out of me and now I just feel dread at the weeks that lie ahead. I know I’m overreacting. Please don’t mistake this as my wishing I wasn’t pregnant at all. I am so, so happy and thankful to be here. I am totally in love with our Skittle. But I’m feeling horribly worried and fearful once again. And I’m realizing just how much is still out of my control. And how far we yet have to go.

And in other news, apparently I was also tested for anemia. And yes, my iron levels are a little low. Which would maybe explain why I needed three naps yesterday. Luckily, this one is easy to fix (in theory). But still…Ā  Throughout this whole pregnancy, I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop. And now, I guess it has. I hope it has. I hope this is it. I hope the bad news stops here.

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8 thoughts on “Big. Fat. FAIL.

  1. Appearently GD can occur in just some of your pregnancies. It seemed to work that way for my mom and grandma both. But its not too much longer until you’re due! Which means you won’t have to adhere to a strict GD diet for too long! And you didn’t cause it. Just happens sometimes! I hope you pass your next test and this was just a fluke. šŸ™‚

  2. oh, darlin’ don’t be so hard on your self! will it kinda suck if you don’t pass your 3 hour? yeah. but you haven’t failed it yet. and even if you do, YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE! seriously, GD happens, sometimes to the healthiest of pregnant women… it has a lot to do with genetics, too, and you can’t change that stuff. Just try to think positive, it will make you super healthy by the time Skittle gets here šŸ™‚ And the GD education the dietician gives you is pretty awesome knowledge for a lifetime! you aren’t hurting your baby, that’s why they test now, so worry not! and good luck with (surviving) the 3 hour!

  3. I was in yoga with a woman who had GD for her first 3 pregnancies, but not her 4th, you just never know. PCOS makes you more likely to have it (not the metformin) and nothing you ate could have changed that. I had it, which sucked because of the finger pricking and the fact that I couldn’t eat fruit much. Otherwise, it’s not so bad. Plus, my baby was only 7 lbs, 15 oz,, didn’t have any blood sugar problems, and I didn’t gain much weight due to the diet and had lost it all by 2 weeks postpartum. Hopefully you pass, but if not, it will all be okay.

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  4. Oh goodness. I felt -everything- you wrote about when I found out I had GD. I think I even sobbed to my other half for a day or two as well. It’s nothing you did or didn’t do mama but most likely the PCOS that is causing this. The GD diet is different, but manageable and not as terrible as it could be. I’ll be your GD cheerleader if it turns out you do indeed have that diagnosis (I’m so hoping you don’t!). Hang in there pretty lady.

  5. Oh, hon, you are not a failure. Your sweet tooth didn’t cause this. Sometimes it just happens for no good reason, and it’s out of your control. Which I know doesn’t make you feel any better, but it’s true. I hope the 3-hour test proves you don’t have GD, but if you do, it’s manageable. You and Skittle will be just fine. I know it, and I hope you do, too.

  6. You’ve still got the three hour! From what I’ve been reading, lots of women fail the one hour test and do well on the three hour one. Even if you fail the three hour, you’re not a failure! It sucks but it just happens sometimes. You’re a great mama and I know Skittle knows that!

  7. I felt the same way! I cried when the nurse called me to schedule my 3 hour. Hopefully you will pass the 3 hour, but even if you don’t, everything will be ok. It is better to know and be as healthy as you can for the baby. Nothing you did wrong either. I had no risk factors (other than age) and I still got it. Even though I don’t have diabetes any more, I still eat healthier than I did before because I now have a really good handle on how many carbs/protein are in so many different foods. Email me if you have any questions! Praying you pass that 3 hour!! xoxo

  8. From what I’ve heard some people eat all the sugary candy in the world and never get GD whereas others are good at watching what they eat and they do get it. So please try not to beat yourself up! I hope you will pass the 3 hour test!! I have my test coming up and I am scared because my husband has Type 1 diabetes and I really hope I don’t add more diabetes into the mix. I have definitely been indulging and seem to have very little to no willpower anymore.

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