The Worries Continue…

Over the last week or two, I’ve felt moments of panic again. My mom said to me, with a bit of exasperation I think, that she had expected me to start feeling more confident at some point as this pregnancy progressed. And indeed, you would think, at 22 weeks, that I might finally be past all the worry and uncertainty.

Not so.

In fact, as this pregnancy continues and Skittle gets bigger, I seem to be fretting more. Because if there is one thing scarier to me than a miscarriage, it is a stillbirth. To lose a baby whom I have celebrated, seen on ultrasound (multiple times!), heard her heartbeat, felt her kicks…I can’t imagine anything much worse.

And now that I do feel Skittle move daily, I have something new to obsess over. Instead of constantly bringing out the doppler to analyze the sound of her heartbeat, I instead agonize over how frequent her kicks are, and how strong. There were times over the holiday weekend when she was very quiet and I felt like I couldn’t relax, could hardly even breathe, until I felt her move. And when I did, the relief that washed over me was, I imagine, akin to crashing in a commercial plane and walking away from it without so much as a scratch. Yes, I am a little crazy.

Thankfully, I had a prenatal appointment on Tuesday and was able to talk to the nurse practitioner about my concerns. She told me, at this stage, it’s perfectly normal to feel a baby move a lot one day and very little the next. Skittle is still small and can hide away in places where her movements may seem muffled — or may not be felt at all. However, by 24 weeks, I should be able to do kick counts. If at any point, I don’t feel her move as much as I think I should, I can drink a glass of water and a glass of OJ and wait for 6-10 movements within the next 1-2 hours. I love that! Unlike in my first pregnancy when I was told that I would learn Cupcake’s patterns and would “just know” if she wasn’t moving often enough, this gives me a solid standard by which to judge Skittle’s movements. Which is exactly what I have been looking for. I will try so hard not to do constant kick counts, all day long, but now I know what to look for if I start to feel panicky and that in itself is enough to give me some peace of mind. I like having a plan.

In the last few days, though, I have not had to worry (or use the doppler) at all because Skittle has been a jumping bean. Which I am perfectly fine with.

In other news, remember my friend Lillian who conceived around the same time as I did in January and then proceeded to miscarry just a few weeks later? Well, she’s pregnant again. She got a positive at 10dpo and told me the next day. I am ever so hopeful for her, but am asking that if you’re so inclined, please send all sorts of prayers and good thoughts to God and the Universe. I want this to work out for her so much. Thanks, friends. xo


3 thoughts on “The Worries Continue…

  1. Since I’ve started to feel Turkey move I’ve been the same way. I’m only 17w3d so I know I shouldn’t expect to feel him all the time or even every day but if I don’t I start to freak out a little. I can usually keep it somewhat contained but it’s hard on the days I feel him only once or twice.

    I guess we need to focus on the fact that the chances of loss at this stage are about 2%. That means there’s a 98% chance that we’ll have a baby at the end of this. We can do this, friend!

  2. You are not alone. I still worry about never holding her in my arms because of some random and rare medical occurrence. Confession…I still break out the doppler every now and then when her movements slow or still for long periods of time. Of course she promptly kicks it away which reassures me more than anything.

    Kick counts are great but don’t panic when your Skittle starts establishing sleep habits. I nearly panicked until I figured out she was just snoozing for long periods.

    I’m SO happy and pleased for your friend Lillian. Sending lots of good vibes and well wishes her way 🙂

  3. I’m glad you now have a go-to for those moments when you start to feel panicky. I can understand how the closer you get, the more real she feels to you every day, the harder it would be to even think about the worst happening. I don’t know if you mediate at all, but I think using the 98% statistic SM mentioned would be a great mantra for those times you start to feel like you can’t breathe. Just focus on the overwhelming likelihood that Skittle will be in your arms in 18 weeks or less!

    I’m so happy for your friend Lillian’s good news and will be sending lots of good vibes her way!

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