Pregnancy Post: Small Steps Forward

After every ultrasound and every doppler check, I get such a high. The sound of that heartbeat is my drug and it courses through my veins. But the next day? Gone. It is always surprising to me when it doesn’t last longer, when the worry sets in and even the reminder of a good heartbeat one or two or three days ago is not enough to comfort me.

But I feel as though this cycle of highs and lows is starting to diminish.  Proof? I am beginning to picture our future, our family of four. Over the weekend, I took a few steps forward in believing that Skittle might just be coming home with us this autumn. First thing, I put away my infertility books and brought out my pregnancy books. I started reading about what being 10 weeks pregnant means and reviewed the development of an embryo at this stage. By the end of this week, Skittle will become a fetus and weigh a quarter of an ounce. It is hard to believe that I somehow successfully sequestered myself all these weeks and was able to remain in the dark about this baby’s growth until now.

Today, I had my husband bring in my box of maternity clothes and my body pillow from storage. I am not quite ready to clear my closet of pre-pregnancy clothing, but I am starting to “show” ever so slightly. It startled me at first, but I know it often happens sooner with subsequent pregnancies and my dear friend told me she was in maternity pants at 9 weeks. Strangely, my pants don’t seem tight at all, but hiding the belly that peeks over the top of my waistline is getting a little more challenging. It will be time to start transitioning into a different wardrobe soon.

Also, my mom arrives in two days. She will be staying with us through the end of the month. I’m very much looking forward to our extended time with her and I want to utilize our time well. Which means we need to do a few baby things. Like go shopping for the maternity clothes that I lack.  (Yes, I could do this alone, but what fun is that?!) And I need to start turning our great room into an office so that the office can become Cupcake’s room and the nursery can stay the nursery. I really wanted to wait to take these big steps until I was at least in my 2nd tri, but I rarely get this much time with my mom. And while I’m working on the organization and rearrangement of our house, she can watch my daughter or help me move furniture. For practical reasons, I have to do these things now. And so I will. A bit grudgingly, but I will.

I guess this is just another sort of milestone that we infertiles must all face: moving from doubt to belief, from waiting to planning, from standing still to moving forward. For some, it comes sooner than others. I think it is coming earlier for me than I ever expected. But maybe that’s good. Maybe it means that I’ve come to see my risk of “jinxing” everything has passed, if it ever existed at all. Maybe, finally, I have faith. Faith that, in the end, everything will be okay. This this baby, our cherished Skittle, will be in my arms in another six or seven months.

Please God, let that be so.

6 thoughts on “Pregnancy Post: Small Steps Forward

  1. I’m glad you’re starting to feel so much more positive! Also, I think it can be nice to have practicalities make us start thinking and dreaming and planning ahead … that’s how it was for me in the US, anyway, where it was practicalities that made me do all my baby shopping, earlier than I would have otherwise done so. And the excitement and participation of others is contagious. I hope you catch a lot of it from your mom!

  2. I have those same fears after every one of my appointments: is everything still ok? I’m not feeling the babies move much (or at all) today – are they still happy and healthy in my belly? I’m 26w3d today and I had my first ever nightmare last weekend that both babies died. I woke myself up from crying in my sleep. Thankfully, this week has been better with lots of movement in my belly. 🙂

    Keeping you and Skittle in my prayers that you continue to have a healthy pregnancy and that your fears diminish with time. *hugs*

  3. We haven’t done the nursery yet at 29 weeks because a small part of me still fears them not coming home – even though we are 5 weeks PAST viability. I think the fear never goes away fully. ( and we are starting the nursery this weekend ). In the early stages I listened to the heartbeats every other day.

    • Glad I’m not alone — and SO glad you’re finally starting the nursery. It’s time!!! And I am trying so hard to keep my doppler use to two or three times a week, but the days in between are often filled with lots of worry. I can’t wait until I can feel this little bean moving!

  4. I completely understand what you’re talking about when you mention your high over hearing the heartbeat. My high only lasted about a day as well. It’s good that you’re starting to feel more confident though, as you should! Enjoy this time with your mom for moms are amazing and the time we spend with them is a treasure. Give her a great big southern hug for me!

    At 20 weeks all I’ve done is painted the nursery. I have a stroller and a couple of pieces of clothing but that’s all. I feel way behind.

  5. We all have the same fears. I had the same when i was pregnant. It was never really easy but yes, hearing the heartbeat is such an undescribable feeling. Best of luck to you. Great post by the way.

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