Telling My Sister

This weekend, I delivered our news to my sister.

I was nervous and my voice was shaking as I told her. I think I was afraid that, because I hadn’t responded in the way she had wanted me to when she gave me the same news, that she would only offer a lukewarm “congratulations”  as some sort of punishment. It is not beneath her to hold a grudge. But, mercifully, she responded in the way I had hoped she would: with unrestrained joy, delight, and excitement. She has sent me two e-mails since then expressing how happy she is for us.

For that, I am relieved and thankful. But I just hope that she realizes this doesn’t change everything. It doesn’t mean I am suddenly a fertile like she is, or that the pain caused by infertility has been erased. It doesn’t mean I get to enjoy a carefree, easy pregnancy like she has had. It doesn’t mean I miss or love the baby we lost, our precious Teddy Graham, any less. It really doesn’t mean anything, except that there is hope.

After hanging up the phone, I felt panic start to rise in my chest. Had I just cursed everything? Would telling my news to the one person who made my loss so difficult mean another loss is inevitable? I know it’s silly. I don’t even believe the universe works that way. But I guess this is what your mind does when you want something this much. All logic and reason go out the window.

After talking with my sis, I also have felt some guilt about my own reaction when she revealed she was pregnant to me. Was I too hard on her? Was my mediocre response unfair, or mean? But I know the two situations can’t really be compared. I had just lost a child, dammit. I had the right to still be hurting, to be unable to feel joy when I felt such sorrow. Can you tell I’ve done a lot of silent justifying to myself over the last couple days?

In other news, I had my husband deliver a dozen and a half cupcakes to our fertility clinic today. My graduation was last Friday and, even though I worried that this step, too, would somehow jinx this pregnancy (will these thoughts ever end?!), I wanted to say thank you. To be honest — they really didn’t do much for me. They monitored my cycles, but there was never any progress when I went in. I took Clomid, but I could have done that through my OB. I never had the chance to do a trigger shot or use my Follistim, so I can’t say the clinic actually helped me get pregnant. But they offered a great deal of support and encouragement when I needed it, I made some friends there, and they did allow me to come in three weeks in a row to check on Skittle. I guess you could say they gave me peace of mind and hope, which is surely something.

Or maybe, it’s everything.

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10 thoughts on “Telling My Sister

  1. I’m thrilled to know that your sister took things well! I think that the news of pregnancy I those who are struggling is something justified, a trauma that we all have to deal with, and are allowed to learn to cope in our own ways. It’s just like if someone’s spouse dies, and their best friend is celebrating a huge anniversary…we all have the right to learn to cope in our own ways. Lord knows I’ve had my share of cold smiles and then stalking out muttering impolite things to myself in the same situations!

    Blessings to you, you’re hubby, and you skittle! Enjoy each moment!

  2. I’m glad your sister has been happy and supportive toward you. I think you’re right that the two situations are very different. And no, I don’t think it’ll jinx anything. Congrats on “graduating”!

  3. I am so happy to hear that things went great when you told your sister. You are right when you say that you can’t compare the situation when your sis got pregnant right after you lost your baby. Definitely not the same. I think in time she’ll come to realize that. I am so glad that things are going so well with this pregnancy! I love reading your happy updates and seeing the ultrasound pics. You deserve this mama!! 🙂

  4. It’s great news that your sister is excited for you. Try not to over think how you reacted to her pregnancy, it’s a completely different situation entirely. One week until your next appointment!

    I don’t want (or need) 18 cupcakes but can I have just one? Darn, I seriously want some now lol. Seriously, it was very sweet to think of your clinic and brighten their day with some deliciousness. Hope you’re feeling ok 🙂

  5. I’m kind of in the same boat as you. I was not as enthused as my sister in law wanted me to be when she announced her pregnancy, and now it’s my turn to reveal my news this weekend. I’m nervous as to what her reaction will be!! wish me luck! i’m glad your sister was so good about it. and i also can relate to the guilt you felt, cause i sometimes look back and feel guilty too 😦 so tough being infertile isnt it?

  6. I’m so happy for you that your sister had the proper response! I must say, I had the same fears as you – that she would have a mediocre response in an attempt to get back at you. I’m glad that wasn’t the case. 🙂

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