Here We Go Again….

This is another “one more sleep” post.

One more sleep until my second ultrasound.

One more sleep until I am at 7w1d, the exact point where I started bleeding in my last pregnancy.

One more sleep until I find out if my baby is still alive, or dead.

I have managed to remain pretty serene over the last week. Much more so than I ever was while pregnant with Teddy Graham. Is that because, somehow, I instinctively knew that Teddy would not survive? Or have I only learned that meltdowns, freakouts, and nonstop worry will not get me anywhere? It will not save my baby; it will not kill my baby.

The times when I start to feel like I’m spiraling a little out of control with my fear and anxiety is when I spend too much time analyzing my symptoms. I am 7 weeks today and have I experienced a lot of cravings, a few aversions, and some nausea, some exhaustion, some breast sensitivity. Some. I always think “some” is not enough. “Some” is often barely worth noting. What I hold onto, long for, and obsess over the most is the “morning” sickness. My biggest wave of nausea was over last weekend, which is too long ago for my comfort. Today, I have felt pretty decent, maybe just a little extra tired and hungry. This does not leave me feeling overly warm and fuzzy about my ultrasound tomorrow.

And I know this really means nothing. You can have a thousand pregnancy symptoms and still have a dead baby in your womb. You can be asymptomatic and Baby can be thriving. It probably doesn’t matter. Maybe it’s still too early for the worst of my symptoms. Maybe this is just a “good” day. I had plenty of them amongst all the bad days while carrying Cupcake. Maybe this pregnancy is just going to be totally different, which so many of my friends have assured me is perfectly normal. I don’t know, but I sure would love to go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow knowing that Skittle is all right. But I won’t. All I have is hope.

What I do know is that I certainly feel more pregnant than I ever did with Teddy Graham. I know that I fell asleep at 10:30 a.m. on the sofa today while Cupcake played with her new Cookie Monster toy that she got for Valentine’s Day. I know that, while I often don’t feel nauseous, I also don’t often feel my best; I feel “off” and unlike me. I know that it was only two nights ago when I felt a wave (albeit, a brief wave) of nausea.

Please, someone, tell me these are signs that Skittle is fine. That we are all fine. That everything will be fine.

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10 thoughts on “Here We Go Again….

  1. Ah falling asleep on the couch is the BEST symptom. Way better then puking in the commode, then not being able to eat your favorite food or being plagued with insane mood swings! I’m sending you and Skittle the best vibes and look forward to your update post ulltrasound!

  2. I went sobbing into an ultrasound at nine weeks bc all my symptoms were gone and I knew it was over. The tech assured me women do this daily to her, and everything was fine. Good thoughts for tomorrow!

  3. in my pregnancies the ones that i got nausea/ vometing with were my angel babies and my two successfull pregnancies i had no nausea what so ever. don’t read too much into your symptoms or lack there of just try to take it one week at a time. in saying that i’m already stressing that my first scan next week will be bad news. my fingers and toes are crossed that little skittle will be very big and noisy skittle in about 30 weeks time
    take care

  4. Everyone is different but I had a deep underlying feeling that something wasn’t right with my first miscarriage. I couldn’t shake the feeling that things were not ok and they were not progressing like they should. This pregnancy, I’ve had nothing but overwhelming peace. Instincts count for a lot more than we often give credit. You are constantly in my thoughts and I’ll be checking in tomorrow for some good news from you.

  5. Everything you described sounds quite normal to me, and pretty similar to what I experienced in the beginning of my first ever pregnancy. Thinking of you and can’t wait to hear how your second u/s goes. *hugs*

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