Happy Tears

I have not cried over this pregnancy or baby yet, not from fear or joy, but today — when I saw the heartbeat — I did. Tears fell from my eyes before I even knew they were there.

So far, everything looks fantastic. I am much earlier in this pregnancy than I had thought, with baby only measuring at 6w1d today, but there was a strong heartbeat of 120bpm, which the nurse practitioner (who did my u/s) was very happy with. She says, at six weeks, they look for anything over 80 (online research says 100), so 120 is excellent by all accounts. The gestational sac is measuring at 6w6d, which I was assured is nothing to worry about. I didn’t ask about the size of the yolk sac because I didn’t want one more thing to obsess over, but both the NP and my doctor (who came in to talk with me after) said several times that everything looks perfect. They gave me a picture afterwards, one in which the baby really does look like a delicious white Skittle, and it is hard to believe they can see anything when the baby is that small, but I am trusting they know what they’re talking about.

Of course, being this early, it still means we have a long way to go. The next two weeks will be the highest risk of a miscarriage and then it improves from there. I still have a week before I reach the 7w1d mark when I started bleeding in my last pregnancy, but thankfully I do have my next ultrasound scheduled for exactly that day. Hopefully, it will bring nothing but more good news.

In the time since walking out of the clinic, though, I have had plenty of time to worry myself over lots of little things:

  • If I really am only 6w1d, that means my beta was tested when I was 4w6d. At that time, my level was over 10,000, which is extraordinarily high for being so early. What does this mean??? I questioned my doc about it and she said once the beta levels get to be over 1000, they fail to really provide accurate information for dating the pregnancy and everyone metabolizes the hormone differently, so it’s nothing to worry about. “Please don’t google it,” she told me because she knows me so well. But what if it means that something is chromosomally wrong with the baby? Or that I’m actually farther along than they think and the baby is measuring behind? That’s a scary thought.
  • Along the same lines of thinking…the gestational sac is measuring 6w6d while baby is only measuring 6w1d. What if Baby is, again, measuring too small?
  • If I ovulated on January 8, like they think I did based on the size of the little Skittle, that was CD32. But the last time Honey and I had sexy time was CD29. I know it’s possible for his little swimmers to hang around that long, but is it likely? In case you can’t tell, I’m just worried that we have the conception date wrong and Baby isn’t measuring on track.

I don’t know…what do you guys think? Do I need to worry? Or do I just need to take a deep breath and trust the professionals? I’m trying so hard to avoid Google because it brings so many doubts, questions, and worries into my life, but I don’t want to go to next Friday’s ultrasound thinking everything is fine if it’s not.

It’s hard because, with both of my last pregnancies, I never had blood work done and I never saw a heartbeat this early. I never saw one at all with Teddy Graham, but since he was measuring exactly seven weeks when I started bleeding, there probably had been one at some point. Maybe it was slow, maybe not. The problem is…I have nothing to compare this pregnancy to. Maybe that’s good. Maybe it will lead to less obsessing, but I sure would like some reassurance right about now.

But today, I am just trying to enjoy the sense of relief, joy, and hope that seeing that tiny flicker of a heartbeat has brought. I’m trying to focus on the fact that the heart is beating at a fantastic 120 that shows no indication of impending doom. I’m trying to believe that this is all only good news and I am worrying for nothing as I so often d0 and that this year is going to be more beautiful than I could ever have predicted. Please oh please, let that be true.

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18 thoughts on “Happy Tears

  1. please try to be happy for yourself and your (growing) family! things are okay today, and today is the only day that matters. i’ll be thinking about and praying for you lots!

  2. You have a photo…something tangible to give your skittle meaning. Use that blessing to calm your internal storm, and instead of googling, embrace this step, this gift. You’re blessed already, for I’ll never have the experience of seeing a u/s heartbeat. Today was a photo op for skittle…we’ll keep prayers open for tomorrow!

  3. YAY! I’ve been waiting for this post all day and I -may- have let out a loud whoop! when I read it. The Purrito and other half think I’m nuts. I’m so thrilled that you have happy little heartbeat in there. 120 is stellar! Take deep breaths, stay busy, DON’T Google. One day at a time girl. *hugs*

  4. This is great news! You got to see a tiny little heartbeat! Try not to obsess too much. And, yes, those little swimmers stick around quite a while!

  5. Don’t google! Stay happy and hopeful… it’s the best thing you can do for yourself & your baby right now. Congratulations!!!

  6. The crap reality of being infertile and experiencing loss is that we can never believe things are just the way they should be. It’s impossible to know the outcome and there’s plenty to worry about no matter what. BUT, today you have a life growing inside you and that is worth celebrating! Congrats on a heartbeat! My only advice is to try to let the joy outweigh the worry, because worrying is way less fun. 🙂

  7. Yay I am so excited for you! I know that you won’t be able to relax for a while, but that is so normal. I was so happy to read your update. It has made my day! 🙂 xoxo

  8. And here’s the update I’ve been waiting with bated breath to read! I’m so happy you saw that little beating heart – may it beat for years to come. Another vote for staying away from Google (because I always love giving advice I never take) – you’ve identified a lot of variables, but you’ll never really “know.” All you can do is trust, and 6w1d and 120bpm seems to me like the best thing to put all your trust into.

  9. Wonderful!! I am so glad to see that Skittle is snuggled in and working on loving you already with that wonderful beating heart!!

    As for the measurements, try not to think about them much at all. As I’ve heard/read many many times – they are measuring something itty bitty! Even just a slight jiggle of the hand changes the measurement by tenths or hundreths and those tenths or hundreths mean DAYS. So, there is a margin of error. Your doctor isn’t worried. You should not be either!!!

    I’ll be thinking of you and celebrating your good news!

  10. Congratulations! Hold on to the hope and good thoughts and try not to worry. I think it’s quite likely that your honey’s sperm just stuck around and that the doctor and NP are correct that everything is going perfectly.

  11. Congratulations!!! I would suggest staying away from Google- your doctor is the expert and if your doctor thinks that everything is going well, then enjoy it! Googling could lead you to worry for no reason.

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