Free-Falling

I’m having a hard time navigating how to feel about this pregnancy and this baby. I know this is not a new concept for us infertiles, especially for those who have miscarried before. There are mixed feelings. Indifference. Ambivalence. We don’t want to get attached too soon.

After I lost Teddy Graham, I was determined that, in my next pregnancy (if ever there was one), I would not let my heart get involved too soon. I would not let myself hope, dream, plan, want. I would not allow myself to fall in love. In practice, I’m finding that much harder than expected. Quite honestly, I don’t even think  it’s really in my nature. I am typically not very cautious with my heart. I have always fallen in love quickly. I have loved people who don’t love me back and I have loved people whom I shouldn’t. My husband and I both said the “L” word within three weeks of our first date. So is it any surprise that I feel as though I may love this little Skittle of a baby already?

I recently told a friend that I think loving is one of the bravest things we each do. And yet, is it really so brave when it’s out of my control? I feel as if I’m free-falling, with nothing to hold onto and no parachute to slow me down. Loving this baby is not a choice I have made. It has almost happened against my will.

I know it is a dangerous place to be, having seen no heartbeat yet, but I don’t know that I will ever be sorry for feeling this way. I very much loved Teddy Graham from the start, and I have never regretted that. And if I hadn’t let myself love him, would my loss really have been any easier? I don’t think so. In fact, I took great comfort in loving that baby because, after he was gone, I felt I had given him my all, everything he deserved except life, and what more could I have wanted for an embryo that was not meant to be?

I am the type of girl who believes love is never wrong and, the more love that exists, the better we all become. Cheesy, lame, ultra-romantic…but it’s me. And so I will love. I will fall. And if I crash and burn, so be it.

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7 thoughts on “Free-Falling

  1. I know what you mean… But ultimately I’ve decided I don’t think I’m sparing myself or S any pain by feeling excited about and loving towards our little dudes. If something ever happens to them it’s going to be devastating, regardless of whether I held myself back emotionally or not.

  2. Amen! I totally agree with you that love is never wrong. My hubby teases me all the time that I’m a hopeless romantic. 😉 You keep loving that baby.

  3. I’m a foster mom, so different situation, but I get babies in my home, and have to be prepared to let them go at any moment (first time was 30 minute notice in a phone call). So, I decided that my task in life is to love whatever God bestows on my life, for whatever time I get. Whether its a skittle 🙂 or a two year old survivor of abuse, love ties us, teaches us, and makes us into more. God bless you!

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