I’m having a hard time navigating how to feel about this pregnancy and this baby. I know this is not a new concept for us infertiles, especially for those who have miscarried before. There are mixed feelings. Indifference. Ambivalence. We don’t want to get attached too soon.
After I lost Teddy Graham, I was determined that, in my next pregnancy (if ever there was one), I would not let my heart get involved too soon. I would not let myself hope, dream, plan, want. I would not allow myself to fall in love. In practice, I’m finding that much harder than expected. Quite honestly, I don’t even think it’s really in my nature. I am typically not very cautious with my heart. I have always fallen in love quickly. I have loved people who don’t love me back and I have loved people whom I shouldn’t. My husband and I both said the “L” word within three weeks of our first date. So is it any surprise that I feel as though I may love this little Skittle of a baby already?
I recently told a friend that I think loving is one of the bravest things we each do. And yet, is it really so brave when it’s out of my control? I feel as if I’m free-falling, with nothing to hold onto and no parachute to slow me down. Loving this baby is not a choice I have made. It has almost happened against my will.
I know it is a dangerous place to be, having seen no heartbeat yet, but I don’t know that I will ever be sorry for feeling this way. I very much loved Teddy Graham from the start, and I have never regretted that. And if I hadn’t let myself love him, would my loss really have been any easier? I don’t think so. In fact, I took great comfort in loving that baby because, after he was gone, I felt I had given him my all, everything he deserved except life, and what more could I have wanted for an embryo that was not meant to be?
I am the type of girl who believes love is never wrong and, the more love that exists, the better we all become. Cheesy, lame, ultra-romantic…but it’s me. And so I will love. I will fall. And if I crash and burn, so be it.