No Words

Do you all remember my friend Lillian who had three miscarriages before conceiving her daughter and recently learned she is expecting #2? The one who I can’t quit talking about because having her at my side is like having one of you with me, here, in real life?

Well, today she had her first ultrasound and there is no heartbeat. In just a single breath, we have switched roles and I am the one who is pregnant and she is the one who is not. There are no words to describe the sadness and despair I feel for her. She should not have to go through this again. What can I say? What can I do? Nothing, but offer her the same support and kindness she has offered me on my darkest days.

And this turn of events makes me so much more scared for the fate of my own pregnancy. My Honey keeps reminding me that these events, our ultrasounds, are independent from each other. Just because Lillian miscarried does not mean that I will. I know he is right. But seeing someone close to you go through this can feed into your own fears. And I am good at letting it all spiral out of control.

This is not how it’s supposed to happen. We are supposed to be going through our pregnancies together. Now, no matter what comes to pass on Friday, that won’t be happening. Everything has changed, and I just wish I could fix all that is broken.

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9 thoughts on “No Words

  1. My heart is breaking for her 😦 Please let her know that she has a lot of people that she doesn’t even know that are sending our thoughts and prayers her way. Be there for her as much as she will let you.

  2. My heart dropped into my stomach reading this. My heart goes out to your friend, and you, during this time. One person should not have to bear the kind of loss your friend has; it’s far too much. You have spoken so warmly of the support she has given you and you are a loving person. I know you can’t taker her pain away, but having you there to support her will help I’m sure. I’ll be thinking of you and your upcoming ultrasound as well. Even though I am pretty iffy on my feelings on God, I have prayed for you and Lillian.

  3. I am so sorry, for your friend and for you. I hate that so many lovely couples are facing this pain. I know how much you were looking forward to sharing this together with her.

  4. Ohhhhhh. This is terrible. I am so sorry for your friend, and for you, for being in this position. It would have been so wonderful to spend your pregnancy together. I can only hope that your friend is expecting again when you bring your baby into this world. And you will.

    Your husband is right. These are too unique situations and your ultrasound on Friday and the health of your baby are not tied to your friend, as much as it may feel they are.

    Big hugs, for you both.

  5. OMG, I am so sad to hear of Lillian’s heartbreak but I’m glad she has such a good friend to help her through. *sending lots of hugs for Lillian*

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