Do you all remember my friend Lillian who had three miscarriages before conceiving her daughter and recently learned she is expecting #2? The one who I can’t quit talking about because having her at my side is like having one of you with me, here, in real life?
Well, today she had her first ultrasound and there is no heartbeat. In just a single breath, we have switched roles and I am the one who is pregnant and she is the one who is not. There are no words to describe the sadness and despair I feel for her. She should not have to go through this again. What can I say? What can I do? Nothing, but offer her the same support and kindness she has offered me on my darkest days.
And this turn of events makes me so much more scared for the fate of my own pregnancy. My Honey keeps reminding me that these events, our ultrasounds, are independent from each other. Just because Lillian miscarried does not mean that I will. I know he is right. But seeing someone close to you go through this can feed into your own fears. And I am good at letting it all spiral out of control.
This is not how it’s supposed to happen. We are supposed to be going through our pregnancies together. Now, no matter what comes to pass on Friday, that won’t be happening. Everything has changed, and I just wish I could fix all that is broken.