Two Things…

There are two things weighing on my mind this Friday morning:

1) I am still waiting for my period. There are no signs that it’s even on its way. I’m not spotting or cramping and my temp is still up, though it did drop slightly today. I took my last progesterone pill on January 14. Usually the flow begins 2-5 days later, sometimes 7. The longest ever was 10 days, never 11. So that makes this officially the longest a withdrawal bleed has ever taken to start, and it’s odd, annoying, and frustrating. I am ready. I yearn to move forward. This whole standing still business is really getting to me. I’m losing patience. I want as many opportunities to try this year as possible because 2013 could very well be it for us, one way or another. But I I know I can’t control this, so I’m trying not to melt down into a full-fledged freakout. Breathe in, breathe out…

2) My sister’s shower is tomorrow. I will be taking a three-hour road trip (one way) to go to this. I am not excited. My husband and daughter are coming along for moral support, but they will go off to a nearby mall to play and I will be alone for the actual festivities. Well, as alone as you can be in a room full of happy, laughing, loud, celebratory women. I don’t know how hard this event will be for me, but I know it won’t be easy. There is a tight thickness in my chest every time I think about it. I want to enjoy it because this is a party to celebrate the impending birth of my niece or nephew (and, as someone who grew up as an only child, need I mention again how much that means to me?), but the heartache and resentment that my sister has caused me still runs like a current beneath my skin. Sometimes I am good at ignoring it and sometimes not so much. I forgive her because I must, but it’s not so easy to forget that she burned me when I needed her the most. Nor is it so easy to forget the general pain of infertility and loss when surrounded by babyness. It will be three hours of bold reminders of what I don’t have but should. To make this day a little bit easier on myself, I have sandwiched it between three hours of fun on the road with my family. We will play my favorite music, eat my favorite snacks, and I’ll read my favorite magazines while my husband drives. I may not enjoy that small chunk of time while I’m celebrating a baby that’s not mine, but I will enjoy every other hour of Saturday. Of that, I am determined.

Also, I made my sister a gift for the shower. I’m not uber-talented at making beautiful hand-quilted blankets (as she is), but I can be crafty in other ways:

IMG_4551 IMG_4890

It’s a wooden box I painted, distressed, and modge-podged to match the nursery (I hope). They’re doing a jungle theme (and don’t know the gender — hence, the yellows and greens), so I thought it might be nice to keep necessary supplies in it: things like diaper cream, lotion, vaseline, nail clippers. All the precious little baby items that must be corralled, or you risk them taking over your entire house. For the shower, I filled it with a bunch of stuff and wrapped it in cellophane (stating the obvious here since you can see it with your own eyes). A few of the fillers (like the outfit and toy) I bought while in London and the rest came from her registry. And then I finished it off with a homemade gift tag.

I do hope Sis is able to fully appreciate this. Sometimes I think she fails to see how hard I try. And fails to understand what sort of love for and commitment to our relationship that I must have in order to spend hours toiling away at making this amidst my very intense heartache. I keep hoping that something I do will eventually speak to her. Maybe this. Maybe tomorrow.

26 thoughts on “Two Things…

  1. Such a sweet gift. I know it must have been hard to pour so much of yourself into it, knowing it was for her baby and not yours. But this will be a niece/nephew that, at some point, will be very much part of your life. Right now it is hard- don’t expect it not to be. You are on the right track. You are strong and beautiful. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow.

  2. I know I’ve said this before, but I can SO relate to the struggles you go through with your sister. I constantly try to be there for my sister and she never acknowledges it or shows any sign of thankfulness. When she tries to do something for me, it’s always so robotic. It’s like a job rather than something that comes from the heart. I know she has built up many walls over the years from each time someone has hurt her but she won’t admit to this nor does she show any signs of trying to break down the walls to let people in. In the end, it just ends up hurting those closest to her and pushing them further away.

    I hope you and your sister are able to have a good relationship at some point. I’m sure it will take some time and probably a few heart to heart talks and some more ups and downs, but I hope the ups eventually become more frequent than the downs.

  3. What a beautiful gift! I’m glad that you will be able to do some things that you really enjoy tomorrow in the midst of a painful experience. Good luck, brave woman!

  4. What an amazing, thoughtful gift!! You are an amazing sister and I hope your sister sees that too! I hope tomorrow is a kind day to you! I will be thinking of you! (And come now AF vibes to you as well!! There have been a couple of times it has taken 10-14 days for AF to show after taking the provera/prometrium for me. I hope it does not take this long for you!)

    • Thanks for the info about provera. I’ve heard it can take up to 14 days, but it never has for me and I’m itching to get a move on. And always, thanks for your kind words and support.

  5. You’re such a kind soul. Remember to be kind to yourself too. You are ever in my thoughts and I will send all my good vibes to you tomorrow. I hope the day turns out better than you expect or hope and your sister appreciates the very thoughtful gift. Many hugs to you!

  6. Love the gift! Praying for you as you travel. May God prepare your heart for the moments spent with other women celebrating the baby to come. Such a good idea to “sandwich” it between things you love. Good job! Thinking of you!

  7. Awwww I love that box you made. I’ll be thinking about you today and sending you strength – going to baby showers when that’s all you want in the world is so incredibly hard and so I can’t imagine what its like when that particular person hasn’t been very supportive. I told myself that I wasn’t going to allow myself to skip showers while dealing with infertility and looking back I’m glad I didn’t. (It didnt make getting through them easier at the time- well some alcohol did) HUGS

  8. What a beautiful gift you made for your sister! She is so lucky to have a sister like you who goes above and beyond your own personal pain to make things wonderful for her. It takes a very strong person to do what you are doing.

  9. I’ll be thinking of you today and wishing you peace and strength to get you through the festivities. I hope your sister appreciates this thoughtful gift and that you have a wonderful time with your family before and after the shower (if not during!).

    • Thank you for the constant support, Daryl. I’ll be writing a post on it later, but suffice it to say, I survived. It was hard, but the rest of the day was great and that made up for it.

  10. One more thing–how did you make the box? Is it painted or did you use paper? If it is paper, how did you get it to stay on? Sealer? I am looking for new hobbies and have tons of materials, but have never actually used them.

    • The box is very easy to do! I purchased an unfinished wood box from JoAnn’s Fabrics, sanded it, and then painted it, inside and out (several coats). After that, I applied printed paper (cut to fit) to the outside of the box and made it stick with Mod Podge, a type of sealer & glue available at craft stores. (I used different, but coordinating, paper for the ends of the box than I did for the front and back of it). I then distressed the edges to give it a little bit of a finished look and added a couple monkeys that I made on my Cricut machine (large sticker decals bought at Michaels or JoAnns would work too, or you can just leave them off). I don’t enjoy sewing and can’t crochet/knit, so this is a nice way to give a unique homemade gift for weddings, babies, and more. It takes some time, but it is a lot of fun and keeps my mind busy when times are hard.

  11. I hope that your Saturday was better than expected and that you managed to find happiness and enjoyment in some surprising moments. These days are not easy, but you seem to handle them with grace. The gift is beautiful and I hope that your sister appreciated it. If she didn’t, please don’t let that sit too heavily on your heart. I believe that there are some things that people who have not been in our shoes simply cannot understand (although that doesn’t mean they can’t empathise…).

    I also so hope that your effing period shows soon. The waiting really is the hardest part (thank you, Mr. Petty).

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