It’s hard to describe the place I’m in right now, but it’s not good. The beginning of this new year has really thrown me for a loop. I waffle between despair and limited hope on a minute-to-minute basis. On New Year’s Day, it occurred to me that I have little to look forward to in 2013 at this point, only a whole long list of things to dread: my sister’s baby shower, the birth of my niece or nephew, the birth of my cousin’s little guy, endless months of fertility treatments and BFNs. So many people I know have so much to be excited about this year, but not me. Realizing that sent me sobbing into my husband’s chest as he was trying to sleep until I finally fell asleep myself. I’ve been feeling emotional and heavy-hearted ever since. 2013 terrifies me because it feels like a make-or-break kind of year. By the next New Year’s Eve, we will either have a baby, be expecting one, or be quitting fertility treatments. I don’t want to face that.
In other news, we now have a plan for my next cycle. If I haven’t ovulated by CD35 (it’s CD27 today), I am to call the nurse to let her know and then begin Provera (well — my cheapie generic kind of progesterone) to induce a period. I really want to start this tomorrow because I don’t think I’ll be ovulating any time soon and I just want to move forward, so I may just do that. And in two weeks, when my period comes, I’ll then call and not bother to mention that I took the Provera before I was supposed to.
My RE is willing to switch me to Femara for my next cycle and try that for two cycles before adding injectables, but I have spent the last week (as I waited for a damn callback from the medical assistant) thinking all of this over. As I struggle with the concept that this year will really be the beginning or the end for us, I feel a strong urge to take action. I’m tired of standing still, or of doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I have pondered it, and prayed over it, intensely and I feel like the right answer is to move full-steam ahead, at least for now. We know that my body can and often does respond to Clomid. We don’t know how it will respond to Femara, and I don’t want to waste time trying to figure it out. Not now. So with that being said, we’ll try Clomid (I’m unsure if it will be 100 or 150mg) again (days 3-7), followed by Follistim injections until my body responds.
I feel like this is the best option for me, but there are three things causing me rather grave concerns in regards to this (three things that, once again, had me crying when I hung up from talking to the medical assistant):
- I learned that, with injectables, I will be required to do a baseline u/s on CD2 or 3…something I haven’t had to do thus far. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to get into the city for these frequent ultrasounds. With driving time, it takes a total of four hours for a 15-minute appointment. On top of that, I have to drag my husband along with me because there is no way I can keep Cupcake quiet and occupied for 15-30 minutes while my feet are up in the stirrups (yes, it has taken 30 minutes in the past for a monitoring u/s because of stupid Lefty who likes to play hide-and-seek). I can forfeit my time, but I worry about the impact on Honey’s job and the extra $200 that yet another u/s will cost me.
- Follistim is not cheap, nor are the ultrasounds and, because I don’t often respond immediately to the Clomid (maybe Follistim will be different?), I often need several ultrasounds. Furthermore, I can’t really prepare for the costs because I don’t know how long I’ll have to take the Follistim for each cycle and I don’t yet know if my insurance will be covering the ultrasounds…but I’m expecting it won’t. So I’m freaking out about the expense and, even with some financial support from my mom, I am afraid we’ll get in over our heads…but what other choice do we have? Stop trying before we’re ready? I can’t let money be the be all and end all, but the thought of a huge bill at the end of each month is causing a great deal of panic.
- This is the least of my worries, and rather vain and petty, but I have heard the horror stories of the weight gain injectables can cause. I have struggled with weight and body image my whole life. I grew up thin and tall for my age, but gained fifty pounds in my early adolescence and it forever changed the way I look at myself. I lost that weight in college and have maintained a healthy weight ever since (ten years now!), but I still live in fear of regaining those pounds. I don’t want to be fat again.
So that’s all I know right now. I’ll be starting progesterone to bring on yet another CD1 sometime in the next week. I’m ready to take a more aggressive approach because I’m losing patience with all of this crap, but I’m terrified of the consequences of said approach. And I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling this way. I just want to have the same hope and optimism that I had when we rang in 2012. But I feel like that girl is long, long gone.