It’s a weird thing.
Lately, I’ve been feeling…joyful. Light-hearted. Optimistic. I am hopeful for the future. In recent weeks (maybe since Thanksgiving?), I’ve been making up silly songs and dancing to Christmas music. I’ve been giggling over small things. I’ve been talking my husband’s ear off. When I’m happy, I chatter nonstop. When I’m not, I am more quiet. So this is very significant. And very strange.
I have felt this way before. For a minute. Typically, such hope and optimism is all too fleeting. But now, I have been feeling this way for days. Possibly weeks. I don’t know why this is. ‘Tis the season? Not likely. When dealing with loss and grief, this season usually only makes it harder. Maybe it is knowing this terrible year is nearly over and, with that, there is a chance for a new beginning. Maybe it’s the peace I have prayed for. I have no other explanation. Nothing else has changed. In fact, the longer we go without a BFP, the more it feels like it will never happen.
This does not mean I am worry-free. This week, I have been concerned for my husband’s job security, though I’m not certain I really have cause to (perhaps this will be a separate post, at some point). I’ve also been been fearing that my period will be coming any day. I’m not really afraid that it will come because I’m fairly certain it will. I’m just afraid it will come too soon and give me something new to worry over (again).
Nor does this happy-g0-luckiness mean that I don’t have moments of sheer sadness. My failed due date is approaching. I hung a small stocking for Teddy Graham on Friday. Three friends have recently given birth to their babies. All of this has been enough to make me have to stop and catch my breath. Just this morning, I started to weep while at church and I couldn’t stop. I continue to miss my baby desperately. The sting of my loss is still very fresh some days.
And yet…for the most part, I am feeling happy, celebratory, and excited for what is yet to come. It is not that I necessarily believe we will have another child. I don’t. I also don’t not believe it. I just don’t know. Our future remains questionable. I just am beginning to feel (maybe) that whatever happens, we will be okay. I will be okay. Somehow. I don’t really expect this perspective to last forever. I hope it will stay with me through the big holiday. But I guess all I can do right now is hold onto it for as long as I can. And be thankful that I get to enjoy it for however many days I do.