Thinking It Over

I’ve done some serious thinking over the last couple days, since getting the results of my husband’s semen analysis, and I know ya’ll are right. I need not make a hasty decision right now. I shouldn’t feel pressured to do anything that I’m not comfortable with. And I must get Honey re-tested.

Which is just what we’ll do. Soon (I hope). I’m not exactly sure how Honey is taking this news of his ill-shaped swimmy friends, but I do know he’s been googling himself into delirium trying to get all the facts. And we all know how *reliable* Dr. Google is. But there are some suggestions for supplements and herbs to consider, which we will, after getting a second SA. And because my husband is a skeptic and suspicious of everybody, we will be retesting at a lab that is not associated with the fertility clinic that is pushing for IUI. Our insurance will allow us to go to a specialist without a referral, so Honey plans to make an appointment to see a urologist (hopefully one specializing in male fertility) and will then get another SA from there, if all goes according to planned (which, you know, it rarely does).

I’m not particularly hopeful that the results will be any different, but I’m also not particularly panicked by it anymore. All of a sudden, I feel sort of indifferent. I don’t know what to think. I keep coming back to the same thing that so many of you reminded me of. I’ve had two pregnancies that happened rather quickly after I started ovulating. That has to mean something, right? Either that…or those babies really were true miracles.

I will say this, though: while not all hope is lost, I have lost my confidence. Confidence that this will happen. Even after my miscarriage, I was certain that that we would have another child, though I wasn’t so arrogant to think that it would happen quickly or easily. But now…I can’t say even that. There is more doubt than there ever has been before (at least since we began TTC #2). More uncertainty. I still hope, but no longer am I sure, that Cupcake will be given a sibling. Instead, this journey is just starting to feel long and endless and sometimes I question the value of it. Is it worth it? Is all this pain, heartache, frustration and fear worth it? The problem is, we don’t really know the answer to this ever-important question until our journey is over — one way or another.

And so I march on. I will not let our fertility clinic talk me into a step that I am not ready to accept or embark on. IUI is our last resort, for there will be no IVF/ICSI for us, and I’m not ready to tap it just yet. For now, we will continue as though my husband’s sperm are the macho men we wish and once believed they were. I will go forward with this monitored cycle. I will do a trigger shot when the time comes. We will get naked together every other night until we know we don’t need to anymore. And next month…we will do it all over again.

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13 thoughts on “Thinking It Over

  1. I am glad that you are continuing on and not jumping to any decisions right now. I really admire how you are so thoughtful about everything that you choose to do and you also give really great advice. I love reading your posts and your comments that you leave. 🙂 I’m not giving up on you!

  2. My husband had a very similar result from his SA- one time his morph was 2%, one time his morph was 4%. Our new doctor has him talking the following vitamins daily: a multivitamin, 200 mg of Coenzyme Q10, 500 mg of L-Carnitine, and 500 mg of Acetyl-L-Carnitine.

    Make sure that you space out his SA tests. If he had a cold a few months ago when the sperm for his last SA test were created, that could be why he has low morph. I believe doctors recommend at least a month in between testing.

      • Sperm take about 72 days to mature, so it would have to be something that happened within that time. A cold last week probably wouldn’t have an effect now, but could have an effect in the next two to three months.

  3. I think the important thing when seeing an RE is not jumping to the end. When they put all the options out there for you- it’s so overwhelming and hard to see the immediate picture vs. the big one. As hard as it is, you need to stay focused on where you are at right now. I remember freaking out about IVF (serious freakouts- multiple, multiple times) over a year ago. But I’m still not close to that and it was wasted energy and added stress. You know what you want and will continue down the path that is best for you. It’s the best, healthiest way to do it. All my love to you.

  4. I admire you for knowing what you want and going down a path that is best for you! We received similar results in early 2009 (normal morphology < 1%) & went straight to IVF. Although I would not change my history as it brought me my sons – however, if I knew what I knew today back then, it would have been best to have gotten my DH retested & to have gotten another opinion. I will say that although my DH was not heavy– eating better, exercising more & losing some weight has helped his SA results. They are still not great (marginal as our new RE put it) but they are better than the first one!

    I am wishing you the best!! I will be here cheering you on!!

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