I feel these sort of updates are getting pretty old. It’s October 24th. It’s CD24. I’m in the 2WW. I think. I’m not holding my breath for this cycle. Blah blah blah. Are you bored out of your mind yet? ‘Cause I am.
I do think I ovulated, on CD20 but probably 21 or 22, but I’m not as sure as I am some months. For one, I never got a strong positive on the OPK. The test line was only ever comparable to the control line, never obviously darker than it as it is some months. This isn’t a huge deal because I never got a positive the cycle I conceived my daughter either, but it makes me feel less confident in knowing whether or not an egg was actually released. And for another, my temperature is up which is usually a reliable indication of ovulation for me, but my BBT has been all sorts of crazy since my return from London and I’m not sure I can trust it.
So we’ll see. It’s always wait and see with me, isn’t it?
The one thing I do know though is that, while I cannot lie anymore and say I have no hope at all, I am feeling sort of indifferent or apathetic towards this cycle. Because I’m really expecting it not to work. To me, it just seems like a cycle I have to get through before I go visit an RE for the first time and move on to a new plan. My mom, who knows everything about every cycle, keeps talking about how long these next two weeks will take and how anxious she is for what the second part of this cycle holds, but I don’t feel that way at all. The days will pass. The end will come when it comes. I have no anticipation for it. No hopeful butterflies fluttering in my chest. No excitement. No desire to symptom watch. No plan for when I’ll test if I’m late. I’m just trudging along, waiting for….what? I don’t know. Waiting for something different, I guess. I don’t know how long it will last, but I like this feeling. I like not hoping. Or at least, not hoping much. It feels safe.
Some day, I do hope I will have something more exciting to write about, though. Like my appointment with an RE. Like a new course of treatment. Like a BFP. Oh…if only. What a day that will be when it finally comes.