Another Lame 2WW

I feel these sort of updates are getting pretty old. It’s October 24th. It’s CD24. I’m in the 2WW. I think. I’m not holding my breath for this cycle. Blah blah blah. Are you bored out of your mind yet? ‘Cause I am.

But anyways

I do think I ovulated, on CD20 but probably 21 or 22, but I’m not as sure as I am some months. For one, I never got a strong positive on the OPK. The test line was only ever comparable to the control line, never obviously darker than it as it is some months. This isn’t a huge deal because I never got a positive the cycle I conceived my daughter either, but it makes me feel less confident in knowing whether or not an egg was actually released. And for another, my temperature is up which is usually a reliable indication of ovulation for me, but my BBT has been all sorts of crazy since my return from London and I’m not sure I can trust it.

So we’ll see. It’s always wait and see with me, isn’t it?

The one thing I do know though is that, while I cannot lie anymore and say I have no hope at all, I am feeling sort of indifferent or apathetic towards this cycle. Because I’m really expecting it not to work. To me, it just seems like a cycle I have to get through before I go visit an RE for the first time and move on to a new plan. My mom, who knows everything about every cycle, keeps talking about how long these next two weeks will take and how anxious she is for what the second part of this cycle holds, but I don’t feel that way at all. The days will pass. The end will come when it comes. I have no anticipation for it. No hopeful butterflies fluttering in my chest. No excitement. No desire to symptom watch. No plan for when I’ll test if I’m late. I’m just trudging along, waiting for….what? I don’t know. Waiting for something different, I guess. I don’t know how long it will last, but I like this feeling. I like not hoping. Or at least, not hoping much. It feels safe.

Some day, I do hope I will have something more exciting to write about, though. Like my appointment with an RE.  Like a new course of treatment. Like a BFP. Oh…if only. What a day that will be when it finally comes.

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19 thoughts on “Another Lame 2WW

  1. I totally hear you. Any drama or excitement throughout any cycle is fabricated by my irrational and out-of-control imagination. Not the answer, I tell you, not the answer. I hope you ovulated, I hope you get your positive, and I hope we can all celebrate together.

  2. Omg this is how I feel every month when I write my obligatory cycle updates. But know that I’m still cruising my fingers and a comparable second line is better than I get on those damn things! Good luck, hun!

  3. Ugh sorry that you feel like you are stuck in a rut. 😦 I am thinking about you and wishing you the best for this cycle. Hugs.

  4. I am right there with you! this is true of me every cycle but especially this cycle as i too get to see the RE next month for the first time. I feel as though i have read about many of us TTC’ers being in the same scenario so this is NORMAL right?

    • I think it has to be completely normal. After you go through the same thing over and over again with the same results, it’s kind of hard to expect anything else. Wishing you the best of luck, though!

  5. It’s how we cope- to attempt to take the hope out of the equation. And I think that is ok. There is hope, or you wouldn’t do all this. But it’s hidden. This is when all of us jump in and hope *for* you though.

  6. I know it is hard to have hope but I will also hope 4 you! I will also hope that you will see great news soon so that you will not need to worry about visiting a RE!

  7. Oh, how I hate the TWW. I THINK I am there myself although I can’t be certain. I hate OPKs and I’m so new to temping… but I’m hopeful. And then I fear I’m too hopeful and I don’t want to be completely disappointed when I get my period… it’s such a fine line to walk. But I’d be happy to celebrate your BFP. 🙂

    • Well, as my RE appointment will only be 10-12dpo, I will still probably have to go because I’m too much of a chicken to test early. But wouldn’t it be nice if that was the only appointment I ever needed? 🙂

  8. Earlier this week I was googling “staying positive infertility” and “staying positive while TTC” and I came across a bit about reframing (cognitive therapy approach). There was a example conversation between a woman TTC and herself and it made me see my definition of “no hope” in a different light. It went something like this:
    Do you have hope that you’ll get pregnant? No. Then why are you trying? Well I guess I still have some hope. (totally abridged version).
    I realized that when I say I have no hope, I still have some, even if I have no expectation that the hope will be fulfilled. I wouldn’t keep putting myself through the doubt, torment, and crushing despair when hope is lost for the cycle if I didn’t believe there was a chance that this could be our month. So I think it’s good that you can no longer lie to yourself and say there’s no help.

    I also identify with feeling like this is just the cycle that comes before the RE. I have my first RE visit on Tuesday! Hopefully he is the magic man with all the answers. I hope the same for your experience with your RE.

    • You’re right. There is always hope. There must be, not only because we keep putting ourselves through this, but because it is that small glimmer of hope that makes it possible to get through each day when everything is feeling so hard. I will always have hope, but the strength of that hope may change throughout each cycle. And good luck with seeing an RE! I hope he can put you on a fast track to holding your baby in your arms.

  9. There is hope, it just comes with a side car of patience, which always gives you a nasty hangover during those loooong two week waits! Sending lots of hope your way!

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