Tomorrow, we fly to London. And by “we,” I mean my Honey, our nearly-2-year-old Cupcake, my mom, and I. We have a two-bedroom flat rented for a little over a week and we will do some touristy things and some wholly-British things and enjoy the city that I love so much. In fact, I have always said that London feels more like home to me than Home does. I have never felt so completely myself anywhere else in the whole world. So I guess, in essence, I will be going home tomorrow.

In all honesty, this is going to be a bit of a bittersweet holiday. I have been planning this adventure for the last eighteen months and, at the start of the year when we first started TTC baby #2, I had hoped I would be growing a new life by now. And when we conceived Teddy Graham, I realized I would reach a holy-moly 32 weeks halfway through our time there. And when I lost him, I said to myself, “Well, there’s still plenty of time. I can still get pregnant before we go!”

But none of that has come to pass and, instead, I will be going with an empty womb and a heavy heart.

However, this holiday really couldn’t have come at a better time. I need this. When I was nineteen, I ran off to London for three weeks, reeling from a broken heart. I was young, had never traveled abroad, and I went alone, knowing no one there. But if offered healing. I found strength in my independence and, I’m embarrassed to confess, I found a new boy (a sexy foreigner from Poland) to briefly obsess over. I fall quickly for charming men, what can I say? I’m not proud. I have traveled to London several times since then, and now, ten years later, I will be going with another sort of broken heart, in need of an entirely different kind of healing. I know that my trip will not cure my infertility and will not squelch my grief, but perhaps it will soften the edges and give me what I need to go on. If nothing else, it will just feel good to sit alone on a bench in Green Park, rain or shine, with a cup of coffee while I reflect and remember and pray. And by the time I return, I will be done with my period and Clomid, two weeks into my cycle, and just a few more away from my appointment with an RE. What a nice way to pass the time, eh?

So all of this to say that I will be off-the-grid for the next ten to twelve days. I won’t have ready access to a computer, so I don’t expect that I’ll be posting or commenting during my time away. I’ll surely have a lot of catch-up to do when I get back. For those of you who are in your 2WW, I hope there will be plenty of good news when I log in here in a couple weeks!  And for those of you who are at another stage of waiting or grief or limbo, please know that I wait with you and hold each of you in my heart. Every one of you, whoever you are and whatever point you are at in your journey, have a place in my prayers every night.

Be well, friends, until I return. XO


13 thoughts on “London-bound!

  1. Wow, what a fun trip! I hope you have a great time and that this will be just what you need. Can’t wait to hear about it when you return. 🙂

  2. I completely understand feeling at “home” in a different place. For me it’s Australia. I hope you have an amazing trip. Take tons of pictures while you’re away and have lots of fun!

  3. My real “home” is in Maui so I really understand your feelings on this. This is the first year I won’t be visiting in over 20 so it’s a bit heartbreaking. I know this trip isn’t happening how you hoped, but you will have an amazing time. And it’ll be wonderful to get away and spend some time with your family. Travel safe and will be anxious to hear your adventures on your return.

  4. I also ran off to London to find myself and reconfigure my life. It unequivocally changed my life and my perspective. It was one of the best choices I’ve ever made. Amazing. Enjoy your time away!

  5. Sounds like you’re going to have an amazing time! I hope this trip will indeed offer the healing you’re looking for and you’ll come back refreshed. Have fun!

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