On Waiting

I think I’ve said it before, but let me reiterate…I have no patience. None. I’m not talking about the patience required to handle a one-year-old when she is screaming in the supermarket (though sometimes I’m lacking in that area, too). No, I mean the patience needed when it comes to waiting. I fail miserably at it.

I’m the type of person who, when I want something, I go buy it now, instead of waiting for my birthday or Christmas or even next week. When I crave chocolate, I must. have. it. now. I cannot wait, even if I did just have a bowl of ice cream. And waiting for each Harry Potter book and movie to be released just about killed me…which is why I was almost always first in line at midnight at the theater or bookstore.

But I didn’t really understand the true meaning of “waiting” until infertility entered my life. And as all of you know, this stupid journey is all about waiting. We wait to ovulate. We wait for our period. We wait to start the fertility drugs. We wait for doctor appointments. We wait to hear from our doctor. We wait three minutes (the longest three minutes in the history of the world, I should add) to see if it’s one line or two. We wait to have our blood drawn. We wait for the results. We wait for an ultrasound. We wait for a heartbeat. We wait to miscarry. We wait to try again. We are always waiting.

And at 11dpo, this waiting is getting very tiresome. The good news is that this has been the fastest my two-week wait has ever passed me by. The bad news is that I’m still itching with impatience. This was the day last month that my period arrived and startled me with something new to agonize over: a short luteal phase. But so far, so good. No temperature drop and no signs of the monster in sight. But that doesn’t mean it’s not coming. I know that. Most likely, it will arrive this weekend. I’m trying to prepare my head and heart for it. Trying, being the operative word there.

I have thought about testing. But I won’t. I. Will. Not. Seeing that negative test last month just about broke my heart. I’m not feeling that brave, or that tempted, right now. And I think it will be easier to see red than to see only one line.

And so I will wait some more.

10 thoughts on “On Waiting

  1. Ugh, you said it. I’ve always considered myself a very patient person – that is, until I joined the world of IF and CONSTANTLY WAITING. It has really worn me down. Anxiety has now replaced the patience I once had.

  2. You know, until my current experience, I never saw the value in NOT testing early. I’ve begun to rethink my strategy! I’m with you, the waiting is the worst.

  3. This entire process revolves around waiting. I think that is the single hardest thing for all of us traveling this road. Im glad to jear you are waiting to test though. It is somehow easier for me to do it that eay too. Fingers crossed my friend.

  4. Hi from ICLW! Waiting is never fun, but that is def where we are at right now. God has made it clear that is where he wants us too! Glad your 2ww is going by fast (ish)

  5. Waiting blows. It just does. I’ve never been a wait and see kind of tww-er. I’ve always tested early or tested out the trigger, so you’re doing way better than I ever have. Still wishing all things good for you!

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