Today, the OPK was positive. Alas.
Sigh. Of. Relief.
But! (Why does there always have to be a but?) BUT it’s CD23 and I’m scared. There are three possible outcomes to this scenario and I fear every one of them:
- OUTCOME 1: It’s a false positive and I won’t ovulate after all. I don’t doubt my ability to ovulate this late (I ovulated on CD22 with my last pregnancy), but because I have gotten a couple false positives in the past, I’m always a little doubtful. However, I’ve never gotten a false positive that was this clear — it’s always been, Is the test line as dark as the control line? Maybe. Kinda sorta. I think. That’s how it was yesterday, in fact. But today, I did not have to wonder or look at it in every sort of light to determine if it was positive. It was, no question. I also have all the other signs of ovulation, like lots of EWCM. So I’m feeling (hoping!) like this is the least likely outcome.
- OUTCOME 2: I ovulate, but get my period in two weeks. I know I said I just wanted to ovulate and didn’t much care if I actually conceived, but let’s face it — I lied. I want a baby. I want to conceive. I want this to work. And if my period comes again, I will be sorely disappointed. Probably not like last month as I’m not hanging everything on this one cycle, but it will still suck and leave me feeling defeated. Again.
- OUTCOME 3: I ovulate, and get a BFP in two weeks or so. This is the best-case scenario, but it scares my witless, because really, this outcome has two sub-outcomes: a) I birth a healthy baby in nine-and-a-half months, or b) I lose the baby some time down the road. To think that I could miscarry again makes me feel like I’m about to toss my cookies right this minute. I want a BFP so much, and fear it just the same.
I am most preoccupied with the last two scenarios, because I think they are most likely. I find myself especially worried about the late ovulation. With my daughter, I ovulated on CD19, still late by most standards, but it gave me a healthy baby. With our Teddy Graham, I ovulated on CD22 and lost him five weeks later. I have no way of knowing if late ovulation affected the quality of my eggs and thus caused the miscarriage, but it is something that has weighed on me ever since. And today is CD23, even one day later. There is still not a lot of difference between CD19 and CD22 or 23, but maybe it makes all the difference in the world. Maybe those three or four days are the difference between good eggs and bad eggs, between hope and loss. Someone please tell me they aren’t. That a viable pregnancy is still possible at this point in my cycle. There are plenty of happy stories on Google, but I just don’t know any IRL. Then again, I don’t know many people IRL who have fertility problems to begin with.
And if I don’t get my BFP at all? If I don’t conceive? Then what? To my friends who have experience with Clomid (or who just want to weigh in because you can), let me pose this question to you: Is there anything I can do — anything at all — to help me ovulate sooner next month? Would taking Clomid earlier in my cycle help? I currently take it on days 3-7, but I’ve heard of patients who even do it days 2-6. What about increasing the dosage, 150mg instead of 100? Would that just produce more follies or could it make me ovulate earlier? I’ve googled my brains out about it, but there are mixed opinions and I don’t know what to take away.
And yes, I know that an RE could help me with all of this. I truly do know and I have a plan in place to make that leap. But I want to give Clomid one more go before that. And I realize, too, that I’ve obsessed about all of this many times before. I’m sure every last one of you is sick of it. Forgive me? I’m just fearful and uncertain and need to get all of this out of my head. And you, my friends, are the only ones who really understand.