Waiting No More

Today, the OPK was positive. Alas.

Sigh. Of. Relief.

But! (Why does there always have to be a but?) BUT it’s CD23 and I’m scared. There are three possible outcomes to this scenario and I fear every one of them:

  • OUTCOME 1: It’s a false positive and I won’t ovulate after all. I don’t doubt my ability to ovulate this late (I ovulated on CD22 with my last pregnancy), but because I have gotten a couple false positives in the past, I’m always a little doubtful. However, I’ve never gotten a false positive that was this clear — it’s always been, Is the test line as dark as the control line? Maybe. Kinda sorta. I think. That’s how it was yesterday, in fact. But today, I did not have to wonder or look at it in every sort of light to determine if it was positive. It was, no question. I also have all the other signs of ovulation, like lots of EWCM. So I’m feeling (hoping!) like this is the least likely outcome.
  • OUTCOME 2: I ovulate, but get my period in two weeks. I know I said I just wanted to ovulate and didn’t much care if I actually conceived, but let’s face it — I lied. I want a baby. I want to conceive. I want this to work. And if my period comes again, I will be sorely disappointed. Probably not like last month as I’m not hanging everything on this one cycle, but it will still suck and leave me feeling defeated. Again.
  • OUTCOME 3: I ovulate, and get a BFP in two weeks or so. This is the best-case scenario, but it scares my witless, because really, this outcome has two sub-outcomes: a) I birth a healthy baby in nine-and-a-half months, or b) I lose the baby some time down the road. To think that I could miscarry again makes me feel like I’m about to toss my cookies right this minute. I want a BFP so much, and fear it just the same.

I am most preoccupied with the last two scenarios, because I think they are most likely. I find myself especially worried about the late ovulation. With my daughter, I ovulated on CD19, still late by most standards, but it gave me a healthy baby. With our Teddy Graham, I ovulated on CD22 and lost him five weeks later. I have no way of knowing if late ovulation affected the quality of my eggs and thus caused the miscarriage, but it is something that has weighed on me ever since. And today is CD23, even one day later. There is still not a lot of difference between CD19 and CD22 or 23, but maybe it makes all the difference in the world. Maybe those three or four days are the difference between good eggs and bad eggs, between hope and loss. Someone please tell me they aren’t. That a viable pregnancy is still possible at this point in my cycle. There are plenty of happy stories on Google, but I just don’t know any IRL. Then again, I don’t know many people IRL who have fertility problems to begin with.

And if I don’t get my BFP at all? If I don’t conceive? Then what? To my friends who have experience with Clomid (or who just want to weigh in because you can), let me pose this question to you: Is there anything I can do — anything at all — to help me ovulate sooner next month? Would taking Clomid earlier in my cycle help? I currently take it on days 3-7, but I’ve heard of patients who even do it days 2-6. What about increasing the dosage, 150mg instead of 100? Would that just produce more follies or could it make me ovulate earlier? I’ve googled my brains out about it, but there are mixed opinions and I don’t know what to take away.

And yes, I know that an RE could help me with all of this. I truly do know and I have a plan in place to make that leap. But I want to give Clomid one more go before that. And I realize, too, that I’ve obsessed about all of this many times before. I’m sure every last one of you is sick of it. Forgive me? I’m just fearful and uncertain and need to get all of this out of my head. And you, my friends, are the only ones who really understand.

17 thoughts on “Waiting No More

  1. I for one am not sick of your obsessing and worrying. Who doesn’t do this when it comes to IF? Obsess away! 😉

    And I can totally relate to your statement about badly wanting a BFP but being scared at the same time. Although I’ve never had a miscarriage, I feel exactly the same way. I’m afraid to give up my freedom to do what I want and when I want, but I know it will be SO worth it in the end.

    • It really will be! I was scared of that, too, before having my daughter. But I found that, after dealing with so much pain and grief caused by infertility, I was able to easily adjust to the life changes that a new baby brings. And now, I cannot even remember what it’s like to have so much freedom, and I don’t much miss it either.

  2. You have the same fears about late ovulation that I have. In 2 of my losses I ovulated around cd 27/28. With my first loss, I ovulated on cd 19/20 (not really considered late). I am not sure if the late ovulation had anything to do with anything, but it is hard not to be suspicious. My RE swears that there is no correlation, though. I don’t have any experience with Clomid, unfortunately. Is there any way that your doctor would prescribe Femara? It moved my O up to day 16/17 and had very few side effects. I am not sure that it works the same for everyone, but it might be worth a shot? Sorry you are faced with such a tough situation here. You have every right to be uncertain. I totally get it.

    • Well, it gives me a little peace of mind to hear that your RE doesn’t believe there’s a correlation. Nothing will ever erase the doubts completely, but my OB said the same thing and it’s especially nice to hear it from an RE.

      And as for Femara, my OB has no experience with it but he’s willing to look into it after I give Clomid a try. However, when I go see an RE, I DEFINITELY plan to ask about it. I’ve heard great things! And by then, I will have given Clomid a fair shot and I’ll be so ready to move on. 🙂

  3. I was scared of late ovulations because I too had once read that they were thought to increase the risk of miscarriage, but I think that’s just a “confounding factor” in statistics (example: smokers have a lighter in their pocket and they have an increased risk of lung cancer so it must be that lighters increase the risk of lung cancer–but no, it’s really the cigarettes that increase the risk–the lighter was just a confounding factor, not the true culprit). Most women who ovulate late have PCOS and PCOS increases the risk of miscarriage–it’s probably not the late ovulation itself that is causing the miscarriage. I conceived my second-born on day 28 of my cycle, and my sister conceived her two girls on days 35 and 42 of her cycle. I rarely ovulate before day 21. I have miscarried with pregnancies that came from two earlier than day 21 ovulations and then carried babies to term that resuted from much later ovulations, so there was no correlation in my case. So go for it and try not to worry about whether you are ovulating “early enough.”

  4. Taking Clomid earlier in my cycle didn’t help me ovulate earlier. My doctor kept trying to move it up but it never worked. The only thing that has helped me move up my O date is a herb called Vitex (also called Chaste berry). I totally recommend it. Because it is a herb there is not any harm but it did help me move up my O date from CD 20 to CD 16. I take it the first part of my cycle and then stop taking it as soon as I ovulate as you are not supposed to take it while pregnant.

    • Vitex is totally on my radar! I’ve heard you can’t take it with fertility drugs because it can react with them in such a way that it causes more hormonal problems, but I’m definitely keeping it as a back-up plan. How long did you take it before you started to see a change?

  5. Okay I have had extensive talks with two different doctors about this…bc last month I ovulated cd 28 and it was blighted ovum. They both said there is no difference in egg quality and what cd you ovulate on. I was also told that upping the dose to 150 will not help move it up, only potentially bring out more of the side effects of Clomid, hostile mucous, thin lining, etc. they are putting me on 100 mg for seven days rather than five to move up o…but not for any other reasons other than waiting 25+ days to ovulate drives me crazy. My daughter was cd 25 and is healthy as can be, so that is another point too. I also het false+ on opk but never that late. I never o sooner than 20 something…except once when it was day 18 and I lost that one too.
    I also heard about the vitex but never tried…you are my vitamin “go to” lady so let me know what you find out!

    • Thank you, Katie! Hearing this has just brightened my day. Since so many doctors have now said that late ovulation is unrelated to miscarriage, I’m going to try to trust them. I’m officially declaring this the end of worrying about it. (HA! But I really will try.) And I’ll be very interested to see if taking Clomid for seven days instead of five works for you. I hope so! Again — thanks so much!

  6. All of this sounds wonderfully positive. It sounds like you most certainly ovulated- and it’s probably thanks to the Clomid. All you can do now is wait. What a kicker, eh? You and I are on the same cycle timeline. I ovulated yesterday. Only thing is, I’m out for the month. Again. October can’t come soon enough.

  7. Let me start by saying that I am not on clomid. My doctor wouldn’t prescribe it and it’s a 3-6 month waiting list here to get into the RE (I’m on month 2 now!). But, from my understanding, clomid can be used to move ovulation sooner and I have read of many people who used it for anovulation and when it wasn’t working, they took higher doses. So my guess is that a higher dose would help with ovulating sooner in your cycle too. Since I can’t get clomid (or anything else) yet, I have been trying acupuncture and Chinese herbs. They seem to be doing some good, but this is the first cycle and I don’t know yet if ovulation will actually happen any sooner yet. I’m on CD17 and normally I ovulate on CD20 (of a 28-30 day cycle). So far I have had ewcm earlier but no positive OPK yet.

  8. Just wanted to see if I might be of some assistance with my own experience. I just found your blog and am looking forward to following your journey! I have PCOS and had all the same fears and questions you have and researched my brains out on clomid and ovulating earlier. My problem was my husband works 7 days and is off 7 days and my ovulation on clomid was always late and fell the week he was gone. It was crucial to move it up for conception chances! My first round was 50mg and pushed my O way back. My second round I reduced the dosage to 25mg (what they call a mini dose and my doc didn’t think I would ovulate but he was wrong!) and took it days 3-7 (starting the MORNING of 3 and not evening) and it moved my O date up by about 2 days. I went back to 50mg the third round, 3-7 and I ovulated a day later. So by my “experimentation” the lower dosages cause less delay and earlier in the cycle sometimes helps. What I ended up doing was taking a break. My doc said that a lot of women take a month off and end up pregnant that month. That was my hope! I did not conceive that month but I did ovulate much earlier and on my own (huge shock!) and found out that clomid stays in your system for a while so it was probably the residual medication that helped my ovaries along in a small way. The following month my doc wanted me to do progesterone and estrogen supplements because he thought maybe my lining was thinned out because of the clomid. I could NOT afford the $300 med that my ins would not cover so I sat out another month. Lo and behold, the month we thought there was no chance and did not even expect to ovulate, we conceived! I am now 10.5 weeks along and praying this little one stays put! I’ll be keeping you in my prayers and hoping for the best! I know it’s so tough waiting and then when you get that bfp the fear doesn’t subside for a while but keep on trucking and have faith!

    • Wow, thanks for your input. I’ll definitely keep all of this in mind as I go forward. I so appreciate you stopping by my blog and giving your thoughts. And congrats on your little miracle! That’s wonderful. 🙂

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