A New Way of Thinking

It’s still fairly early in my cycle, day 10, but I think I’m giving up on this one already.

My BBT has just been too erratic: 97.9 one day and 97.2 the  next, then 97.0 and up to 97.7. It’s been all over the place. And I don’t know if that really, truly means anything — after all, it was the same way last month and, miracle of all miracles, I ovulated on day 14! — but I do know that the only two times I have ovulated and conceived, my temps were nothing like that. While they’ve never been super steady for the entire follicular phase, they haven’t been bipolar either. This bipolar BBT is making me nervous…and stealing my confidence that this cycle will be The One.

So I’m trying to adjust my expectations. After a disappointing cycle last month, I’m afraid to let myself hope. I’m afraid to count on anything.  I have always known that you need to ovulate in order to make a baby.  But I have now learned that ovulation does not necessarily equal conception.  That Clomid is not a magical bean that automatically creates something great out of something small. That hoping with all my might, wishing on the shooting stars in a meteor shower, and praying constantly will not always give me what I want.

And so while I move forward with things as I’ve always done them — Clomid, frequent sex, and far too many vitamins — I’m also trying to plan for all of that to fail. This means envisioning our trip abroad in October, Teddy Graham’s due date in December, the holidays, the start of the new year, and my sister’s baby shower, all without my own baby in my own belly. It also means beginning the search for an RE. I’m going to take my time in doing this, but I’ll start looking, start asking questions, start trying to figure out where I go from here.

Which is scary.

Daunting.

Overwhelming.

But also — it’s freeing.

There is freedom in not believing that this cycle will be the cycle. As I go about every day, I can breathe easier knowing that I don’t have to make a baby right now. I would love to be holding my second child in my arms by my 30th birthday. That means I need to conceive by mid-November. Which gives me another two or three cycles. Okay, I can do that! And I really, really want to have another child by the time our Cupcake turns three, which means conceiving by early March. Surely, something has to happen by then! Of course, I know there really is no “surely” about any of this. No guarantees. March may come and go and there will still be no second line on an HPT. Or I could conceive, at any point, and lose again a month or more down the road. But — but — by extending my own personal deadlines, by looking at the bigger picture and preparing for a few “worst case scenarios,” it takes a little of the stress off of my shoulders right now. It removes the pressure from this very cycle, right here and now.

Of course, that does not mean I completely lack hope. There will always be that, no matter how dire the circumstances or how low the odds. Maybe I am just telling myself all of this so that I don’t feel so let down when CD1 is upon me again. Maybe I am hoping that by relaxing my own expectations, the old, overused adage “maybe if you just relax…” will prove to be true. And I know if I do see my period again in three or four weeks, there will still be disappointment. Sadness. Heartache. But I’m hoping that, with this new way of thinking (which is still a work in progress, if I’m being honest), my heart, soul, and faith won’t be pulverized at the first sight of blood.

I’m hoping. But we shall see if any of this really holds up a few weeks down the road. We shall see.

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5 thoughts on “A New Way of Thinking

  1. I agree there’s a kind of freedom in not getting your hopes up too high for any particular cycle, but staying hopeful overall, which helps you get through each cycle that doesn’t work out and look forward to the next one. It’s tough, but I hope that soon you’ll have a successful cycle and successful pregnancy, even if that means it comes with the help of an RE. Hugs.

  2. It’s so hard to navigate through infertility. I often find myself trying a new strategy with each new cycle in hopes that I find something that works. And in all honesty, I don’t think I will find a one-size-fits-all solution. Each cycle is different with different obstacles and turns. All we can do is try to figure out what works best for us in the moment. I think trying to hang on to some form of hope is the best route. Not that it will ever change the outcome, but it’s a necessary piece nonetheless.

  3. I have had some bipolare BBTs these past couple of cycles and I don’t quite know what to make of them! I’ve read that extra high or extra low is indicative of thyroid and erratic temperatures could be related to stress and anxiety. Argh!

  4. I think it’s a great idea to start looking at REs. I promise you will feel better when you find one that you like. You’ll feel like you’re taking charge of your fertility. It doesn’t have to be this huge thing, you don’t have to feel bad about it or feel like there is really some big problem. By going to an RE, you could be pregnant before you know it! Just know that most REs are going to want to do several tests and that takes time so I wouldn’t wait. Plus if you get pregnant beforehand, than AWESOME!! good luck 🙂

    • Thank you for the encouragement! I still feel a little inclined to drag my feet for another month or two, mostly because I know that I’ve done this before without an RE (twice!) and I’m also scared for the time, energy, and money that one will require. I also need time to do my research and ask lots of questions in order to find the right RE for me. But if this Clomid doesn’t get me a BFP soon, I’ll definitely be contacting an RE in the fall — and I can use all the cheerleaders I can get!

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