Hi, it’s me again.
You know, the frantic blogger who panics over everything, who can always find something to worry about, and who consistently chooses fear over faith. That’s me!
I know I’ve been fairly silent this week. I just haven’t had much to say, or the motivation to say anything. While I left my doctor’s office feeling reassured and hopeful on Monday, I have been in a funk ever since. So many highs and lows. So many things I have found to fret over.
The weird thing is, I’m not worrying about getting pregnant. Not exactly anyways. The actual act of sperm meeting egg is entirely out of my hands and so I’m giving that to God. For now.
Instead I have worried over small, stupid things (which feel like big, important things in the moment) that are still, of course, out of my control:
- My BBT: It’s been higher and more unstable than is usual for me at this point in my cycle. It’s pretty much been that way since my miscarriage. Does this mean anything? I don’t know, but I’m starting to hate my thermometer. It’s evil.
- My lab tests: I’ll reveal the results once they’re all back (still waiting on my testosterone and estrogen levels), but I spent a good part of the week worrying over why it was taking so long to get them. I had convinced myself that the lab had somehow lost or thrown away my three vials of blood. And then I woke up this morning to find they had posted most of the results. So yes, I’m crazy.
- My sister: Like really, people, how am I going to handle spending time with her, and shopping for her baby, and going to a baby shower if I’m not yet pregnant come late winter? I’m just realizing now that my feelings of resentment have not quite simmered down and, every time I think of my sis, I feel my stomach clench and my heart ache. And the farther I get into this process, the more her good fortune is going to hurt.
- A yeast infection: I’ve been feeling slightly (just slightly) itchy “down there” and now fear it’s the start of a yeast infection. I’ve had one a couple times before, but always after taking progesterone to induce a period, which I did not do for this cycle. I’m less worried about the actual infection and discomfort and more worried that said infection will kill any and all sperm that enter the area during my fertile time. Really, I realize it’s probably nothing because the itchiness is so slight…but I have to worry about something, you know?
- My decisions: Am I making the right ones? Am I doing what’s best for my health and my fertility? Should I just give up? This is the most frightening part — to have these very few things that are in my control and to make the wrong choices. To do the wrong things. It scares me to death.
It’s a trap really. This worry. It’s this never-ending cycle that I get no break from. There are a few brief moments every day where I breathe easy and feel some peace. But then something new happens, or something from the long-ago past crosses my mind, and my anxiety bubbles up again. I’m just so tired of feeling this way.
This morning, I sobbed alone in our living room for no reason at all. It was 7:15 a.m. Nothing had happened yet except another fluctuation of my temp. I think I finally just reached my breaking point. And afterwards, after that good, hearty cry, I felt better. And still feel better, though nothing has changed.
I’m hopeful that this is a turning point. Hopeful, but doubtful too.