Last night, I prepared a post about pregnancy “symptoms” I am and am not experiencing (like vomiting over the weekend), but after taking my temperature this morning, I don’t think I’ll be publishing it. I just don’t think there’s any point. Because, while my temp has been above 98.0 since ovulation, yesterday it dropped to 97.86 and today to 97.45. Right back to where it was before ovulation. There is a part of me (the part that’s in denial) that argues maybe this is a fluke. Maybe my temp will go back up tomorrow. But we know, don’t we? I know.
I am not pregnant.
Confirmed by a pregnancy test I took this morning just for the heck of it: BFN. No surprise there. Not now, anyways.
I can’t adequately describe to you what this has done to my state of mind this morning. Crying off and on. Periods of numbness in between the sobbing. Unmotivated to do anything. And sometimes thinking, Well, screw it. I give up. I’m not doing THIS again (which totally deserves its own post).
I feel so scared right now. If my temp is dropping, at 11dpo, what does this mean? That I’m not producing enough progesterone? That I have a luteal phase defect? Because of all my problems, that is not one I’ve ever had, as far as we know.
And what could have possibly gone wrong? I ovulated earlier than I ever have before and we timed our baby-dancing perfectly. Did we do it too much? Was three days in a row too many? Some recommend every other day, but with an adequate sperm count, there is no research that says we can’t do it more. Should my husband be tested? Again? And yet… Yet, just four months ago, we created a life — a beautiful life — in the same way with no problems at all.
For the first time in my life, I ovulated on cycle day 14. And I feel like I just blew the best chance I had. Because I don’t know what happens when I embark on my third round of 100mg of Clomid. I’ve never had to go there. Three rounds of 50mg? No problem. I know they will all fail. I won’t even ovulate. But three rounds of 100mg? I can’t even take a guess. I hope I will ovulate. On an acceptable day. But I have lost all my confidence in conceiving just because I ovulate.
In the days after my miscarriage, all I wanted was to have my mom here, so that she could watch my daughter while I went to our bedroom and cried myself to sleep. Today is like that. I just want to cry. And sleep. Maybe until next month, when I will be ovulating and can have hope again.
I keep thinking how easy life would be if I’d never lost our Teddy Graham. I can never change the fact of my infertility and that I can’t conceive naturally, but if he was still here…life would be okay. Good even. I would feel so happy. The future would hold so much hope. My heart would hurt so much less.
I guess, more than anything, today I just want my baby back.