I’m Weak…and a Mess.

Well, I know I promised you all an in-depth, highly scientific analysis of all possible pregnancy symptoms, but that will have to wait for another day. Because since yesterday afternoon, I have been a mess. Overly anxious. Worried. Stressed. Fearful. All because I have not been feeling as many signs and symptoms as I think I should be and, thus, I am convinced there is a very real possibility that I might not be pregnant.

And today in a moment of weakness, at 9dpo, I peed on a stick.

Big. Fat. Negative.

The strange thing is that I’m not, generally, an early tester. I’m the most impatient person in the world (look me up in The Guinness Book of World Records…I’m sure I’m there!) and yet I always, always hold out as long as I possibly can when it comes to testing. With both of my past pregnancies, I waited until at least 3 days past my missed period before bringing out the HPTs. But this time, being weighed down by all that worry, I decided to give in and just do it today in the hopes that, by the grace of God, there might be the faintest of faint lines visible. There was not, and of course it has done nothing but cause me more worry.

And yes, I know it’s still early. Very early.  Certainly, there are people who get a positive test by now, but there are also plenty who don’t.  The egg does not generally implant until 6-10 days after ovulation and it will be a day or two after implantation before there is enough hCG to be detected by an HPT. So there is still hope, but right now, it’s feeling hard to have it.

Part of where the problem lies is that I have been hanging everything I have on this cycle. After my miscarriage, I told myself that if I can only make it to this second round of 100mg of Clomid, the one that has always worked for us, I will be okay. Everything will be fine. The whole in my heart will start to fill. Of course, I know a BFP is not a cure-all, but its potential is all I’ve had to get me through some of my darkest days. And if I never get that BFP, at least not this month? I’m afraid I’m going to be right back where I was when I started bleeding during my last pregnancy. I’m going to lose it.

Today, I skipped working out. It’s something I allow myself to do when I’m feeling down. I just lounge around on the couch, watching Today and cuddling my daughter (when she’ll let me) all day long. My brand of “comfort food.” In a way, it feels like I’m already starting to grieve the loss of this cycle.

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8 thoughts on “I’m Weak…and a Mess.

  1. I’m sorry sweetie. I know what it’s like to begin the grieving process with that first early BFN. I also know the fear in allowing yourself to continue to hope. So all I’ll tell you is I’m still kmfc for you and I’m sending lots of hugs your way!!!!

  2. Happy ICLW! Thanks for your comments on my blog!

    9 days post ovulation is really soon. I wouldn’t count yourself out for this cycle, yet!!! I am sending thoughts of a baby bump your way….

  3. Your angst and grief over testing is all too familiar. I tend to wait until the last possible moment to test too. When my REs office is breathing down my throat- then I usually cave. But you can’t beat yourself up for testing early. I’m not sure it’s any harder this way vs, the other. I hope that in the next few days you can find some peace.

  4. Even if you do get a BFN and “lose it” this cycle, we will all be here to pick you up. *hugs*
    And if you get a BFP, we will be here to push you higher. : )

  5. I hope that you are are impanting at this very minute…because that very well could be the case. You never know…I hope that no matter what the outcome of this cycle, you know we are all here for you and your next steps.

  6. I am so sorry! I know it is sometimes hard to wait to POAS (I have been there many times). I am hoping it is just way too early and you will have good news to share in a few days! I will be cheering you on — and if this cycle does not work as we all hope it will for you, I will be cheering you on for your next steps as well!

  7. It’s not weakness that made you test early. It’s hope. That double-edged sword. Keeping my fingers crossed that it’s only timing that’s keeping you from getting your BFP.

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