Well, I am a horrible wife.
Because yesterday was my birthday and I’m ashamed to say that I acted like a spoiled rotten brat when I didn’t get what I wanted. Which is so rare for me because I usually don’t care what I get at all. Every year, my husband asks and every year I say something like, “Oh whatever. You know what I like.” But this year, I did have a request. I wanted a necklace — simple, classic, something I can wear every day — that holds two birthstones. One for my daughter, our Cupcake. And for the baby who never got to be born, our Teddy Graham. I wanted something to represent that I’m a mother of two, something to commemorate our loss and honor the Baby Who Almost Was. Some people get tattoos. I wanted — want — a necklace.
And I knew I would get what I want and looked forward to unwrapping that small, pretty box all day. And then when I finally did and it was a necklace (yay!) but nothing at all like what I had pictured in my head (boo!), I just felt all color drain from my face and my husband knew with one look at me that I didn’t like it all. And then I started crying.
So here is one more flaw I will reveal to you: I am a horrible, horrible wife. I let my disappointment show. I didn’t even try to hide it. My Honey’s heart was in the right place and he tried so hard and I reacted with no thought to how it might hurt him. And it did. It hurt him. I’m not proud. I hate myself for it. But can I blame it on hormones? Or just on a tough life? Because I really am a mess right now. Such a mess.
But other than that, it was a good day for me. I spent most of it alone with my favorite little person and I indulged in a lot of good food. I talked to my mom five times throughout the day and, even though I carry my pain with me through every moment, I was mostly able to breathe through that and just experience the joy that my birthday always brings me. And I got a card from my sister, which brought a smile to my face. I was wondering if she’d even remember my special day and was pleasantly surprised when the mail arrived at noontime. It was a simple card and lacked her normal friendly, upbeat tone, but at this point I will take what I can get. At least she made the effort.
As yesterday was coming to a close though, I started to feel deflated and sad. Because now our road trip is over and my birthday is done and what else do I have to look forward to or to distract me through the weeks ahead? Nothing. Now it’s just all about waiting and that’s so depressing. Especially because, for whatever reason, I am starting to feel like this cycle is already a flop. A failure. It’s CD10 and I already have lost hope.
And I’m so scared for everything that is — and isn’t — around the corner.