Some Thoughts on Hurting, Home, and the Things in Between

Today, I hurt.

I hurt today because yesterday I came to the conclusion that my sister is pregnant. She has not confirmed this, but I know. I know that she and her new husband started trying during my short-lived pregnancy in April. I know that she has always had regular periods and will probably have no problems conceiving.  I know that she has dropped hints such as being the designated driver at a bachelorette party, feeling so tired all the time, and in an e-mail yesterday she mentioned that she hasn’t been feeling well for a few weeks but said nothing more. And I know that she is probably afraid to tell me her good news.

I know she is pregnant, and I think I have for a while, though I have tried to convince myself otherwise. Either way, I sent her an e-mail last night to ask if my suspicions are true. Was this out of line? I hope not. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. But if she is expecting, I want to know so I can accept it and move on. So we don’t have a pink elephant hanging around every time we talk on the phone or send an e-mail.

Sigh.

This, in the aftermath of my loss, is one of the things I have been fearing the most.

As you may remember from a previous post, my sister is no ordinary sister. She is a half-sister whom I learned about just this year. At this point, we are bonded only by blood and quite a few common interests and personality traits. We don’t have a history. Not really. And the history we do have is short and shadowed by the fact that I feel as if she did not support me through my miscarriage as I had expected. This has left me with a bad taste in my mouth and a lot of resentment. I’m trying to forgive, to believe her intentions were always good, to fake it until I make it. I think I have done a good job at that, but it doesn’t mean I want to celebrate her pregnancy with her.

I am happy for her but sad for myself, torn between wanting to hear every detail about every second of this pregnancy and this baby (my niece! my nephew! my very flesh and blood!), but also afraid to experience all of that. Afraid of the jealousy and contempt and pain it will cause me. There have been times that I wished she would have to deal with my same infertility issues (that somehow it was genetic) and, in the last 24 hours, there have been times when I wished that this pregnancy didn’t exist. Not that I would wish her and her unborn child any harm or tragedy. Just that this had not happened for her quite so quickly and not yet, not until there is another life growing inside me too. Maybe then it would hurt a little less.

I just want to stop hurting.

Someone please tell me I’m not a horrible person, or a bad sister. Because I’m new to this sister thing and I don’t know if these feelings and thoughts I have make me the very worst sister-friend to ever exist.

But on to other things…

It’s cycle day 3! Officially. Not long after my last post, the flow started to pick up and blazed throughout yesterday and into this morning. I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad to see that much blood! (TMI?) So of course, I was worried for no reason. Like always. It’s still not as wicked as it has been at times in the past and I’m not nearly as crampy either, but maybe that’s a good sign? I’ve heard extraordinarily heavy and painful periods are not healthy either. And now I’m at a point where I’m hoping for a little mercy and for the flow to slow waaaaaay down by the end of the day. And I took my first 100mg of Clomid with breakfast this morning. It’s always exciting to me, because it gives me new hope, even if that hope wavers. Often.

(And btw…thank you so much to everyone who offered their advice about cycle days, spotting, and Metformin. I needed to hear all of it and, with each new comment, I breathed a sigh of relief.)

As for the Metformin, I am still on the fence. I go back and forth about a hundred times a day. I did fill the prescription and pick it up from the pharmacy, but I’m going to leave it sitting on our bathroom counter for a few days. I want to ponder it and give my decision time. On one hand, I find it deliciously tempting not to take it and not to have one more obligation and worry in TTC-land. Especially when there is no proof that I actually need it. But on the other hand, I want to do everything I can to up my odds and help my body to ovulate and hopefully ovulate earlier than is standard for me. But at any rate, I won’t be taking it until next week (after my birthday and road trip) and I will definitely be taking it if this round of Clomid doesn’t work at all. I think.

And speaking of our road trip…

We leave today!  Going back to Idaho. Back home…or at least to the only home I had ever known until the place that we now call home became our home. (Hey…that was a lot of fun to say!) I’m so excited for this return to our “roots.” There was a time when I hoped I would be returning with a growing belly and, for a short while during my Teddy Graham pregnancy, I really believed I would. In the weeks after my miscarriage, I lamented that this picture I had of myself in a cute sundress attending the wedding of a family friend in Idaho would never come to be. I cried for days over that silly image. But I’m stronger now, and looking forward to going back to a place that is so familiar to us. It will be good to get away for a short while and, when we return, I will already have made it through the first week of this cycle…with only one (but probably two) more weeks until the anticipated ovulation date. I will welcome anything that can make time go faster right now.

And with that being said, I will probably be off the grid for a few days. If there’s time (perhaps in the evening while watching the Olympics!), I will stay caught up on my blog-reading, but I don’t anticipate that I’ll do any of my own posting. Unless, perhaps, I hear back from my sis about her suspected pregnancy. In that case, I might have no choice but to come here to whine and cry over the unfairness of it all.

Just a warning, friends.

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12 thoughts on “Some Thoughts on Hurting, Home, and the Things in Between

  1. My SIL found out she was pregnant 2 months after we miscarried. This was an oops baby. They weren’t trying. They weren’t planning to try. She’s just that fertile. She’s younger than me and only married 2 years. I was devastated. I tried not to resent her. I knew this wasn’t a slight against me, but it hurt EVERY time I saw her. Even though I’m expecting now, it still hurts every time I see her. It hurts because she’s pregnant and never had to worry about loss or anything. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling the way you do. You’re not a bad person. I think if you do want a relationship with her, though, you will have to try to at least not resent her for it. Or, as I did, I resented in private and supported in public. 🙂

    • You’re right…I do want to have a relationship with her and so I will try to be grown-up about this and smile when I want to cry. Thank you for your support!

  2. When I found out my older sister and her husband were expecting, I cried my eyes out. She complained that they tried to conceive for 8 months and it finally happened during the 9th month. Boo hoo, how terrible that it took a whole 9 months to conceive. She even knew that I was on fertility medication at the time. Their son is almost 4 years old now and she has complained to me that they will not have any more kids because they can’t afford it (they are upside down in their mortgage). Boo hoo again that she actually has a choice whether to have another child.

    • Some people (even those we call family) can be so insensitive! I guess it’s just because they have NO IDEA. My sis, too, has made comments that have been horribly hurtful in the aftermath of my miscarriage. I know it’s just because she doesn’t get it, but it’s still so hard to take. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone!

  3. I am so totally with you on the sibling-resentment train. My little brother and his wife, and both of my husband’s siblings have either children, or children on the way. His sister had three kids and wanted to try for just one more – and then BAM. Pregnant with twins.

    The most recent one was the husband’s twin brother and his wife. They had been married only a couple of months when she came whining to me asking how she could get her doctor to put her on fertility drugs! She finally talked him into it apparently, and she got pregnant the next month. They are due in December, and I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I am jealous, yes. It’s more than that, though. December was MY month. I was supposed to have a December baby. She is due on MY BIRTHDAY. Sometimes I hate them. Other times I realize how awful I must sound.

    The long and short of it though is that the way you feel is never wrong. You have to let your emotions do what they will in order to process this and work through it. I am still bitter about this new nephew to be, and I don’t know how long it will take me to be okay with it.

    Be gentle with yourself, friend. Take the time and space you need. Don’t force a congratulatory phone call, and don’t force back the tears. You have a great community around you here, and we all know what you’re feeling. All my love to you!!

    • Thank you so much for the validation and support. Everyone in this community has been so very kind to me and I appreciate the love. And by the way…December would have been MY month too and I can only imagine how upsetting it would be to have someone take over that. I’m sorry. And let’s hope my own sis isn’t due that soon!

  4. I would have asked her too… better to know and be able to process it in your own time than in an awkward situation if it slips out another way. Thinking of you as you start your cycle and cheering you on 🙂 Have fun on your trip xoxo

    • That’s EXACTLY it…I want to process it in my own time! I would hate for her to spring it on me when I least expect it. And I’ve been wondering/worrying for a while. I just need to know so I can stop being so afraid all the time and just get over it…if that’s possible. Thanks for your constant support!

  5. It must be very difficult to have this new-found sister and not know how to react to her possible pregnancy. As for her not supporting you after your miscarriage, let me share something my sister told me regarding my own and her friend’s struggles to have a family: “I’ll never know what it’s like to be 34 and want to have a baby–but not be able to.” She has a 9-year-old daughter, conceived two weeks after she stopped taking birth control. She just doesn’t know what it’s like. Fortunately, you have a whole community of women who do know what it’s like and can offer tons of support! Go easy on yourself, but try to go easy on her, too. She can’t possibly understand, but that’s okay. We’re here for you.

    • You are so right about going easy on her…I need to do that! And I HOPE (hope, hope, hope!) that I do it really well in person. But inside, it kind of kills me. And I don’t know how I’ll handle it as I see her belly grow. It’s not going to be as easy to forget how much she’s hurt me then. But I’ll try. Because she doesn’t know and can’t know what I’m going through and she didn’t get pregnant to HURT me…she has every right to have a family. As do the rest of us. It’s just not fair that some of us have to work so damn hard for it.

  6. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am sorry that your sister has not been there to support you – I have been experiencing similar with my parents after our loss in June. I know it is not easy. Although I am still very angry as they have not once said our son’s name or really acknowledged our loss, I am working on getting over this anger by telling myself they are not purposefully trying to hurt me. I admit it has not worked yet to alleviate my anger but hopefully it will in the future. I admire you for doing what is best for you & asking her. You should take care of yourself first! I hope you have a great trip & best wishes to you in your upcoming cycle.

    • Thank you for your kind words. They do mean so much. I have another whole post I could (and probably will) write about the ways in which my sister has failed me in the last few months, but I am so sorry to hear your parents haven’t been there for you when you needed them. I know the intentions are always good…but it’s still hard to swallow when it hurts so damn much.

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