Thanks & Stuff

First, I want to say a couple big thank yous…

To those of you who responded to my post on faith…thanks for the stories you shared, the support you offered, and the prayers you have said. I do so need and appreciate them.

And to those of you who responded to my post about my many overwhelming worries…thanks as well!!! You guys offered some great advice and gave me a lot to think about.

And with that being said, I present to you my plan going forward (though, being a woman, I have the prerogative to change my mind at any time):

My next cycle (#2) will proceed as planned. I finished the progesterone yesterday and am now waiting for the flow to begin. I will then take “just” 100mg of Clomid and annoy God with my constant prayer (i.e. begging and bargaining), while also crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Part of why I’m choosing this route (no monitoring, RE, trigger, etc.) is for the simplicity of it (less stress, I imagine, though certainly not stressless) and also for practical reasons as it will be a busy month and I’ll be out of town for a few days next week. Not to mention, I have always taken this route and it has always worked. So far.

If this cycle ends with a glorious BFP, I will then request for a beta draw every other day until I see a heartbeat, at which point I will ask for a quick u/s every other week until the end of my first trimester (when I may just buy a doppler, so I can find a new way to obsess). I guess then I will not only be annoying God (please God don’t let this baby die too, please let there be a HB, please protect my embryo, please have mercy, please please please pleeeease), but I will also be irritating my OB with my paranoia. I’ve warned him already…but I don’t know if he really understands what he’s in for. And that is, of course, only if I build up the courage to demand what I want and need. I’m a bit like a timid twelve-year-old girl in that way — not very good at standing up for myself or being assertive. Work in progress, remember?

If this upcoming cycle ends with the stupidest-of-stupids BFN, I plan to have all my blood work redone so PCOS can be ruled out once and for all, maybe also have a baseline u/s done on my ovaries (to verify there are no cysts), and perhaps request to be monitored for my third cycle.  I may also try to charm my doctor into letting me try dexamethasone or Metformin…and/or increase my Clomid dosage.

And if I don’t ovulate at all? Well, the plan will probably compare to the BFN plan, except I will most definitely be begging the doc to increase my Clomid or try Femara and give me a trigger shot…anything that will just get my body to release a damn egg.

As for going to see an RE, I’m still hesitant, mostly because of money matters. Our health insurance does not cover infertility. Like, at all. And so I’m scared that once I go see a fertility specialist, all coverage will stop. So far, we’ve been lucky enough to have every ultrasound and all lab work covered 100%. Not to mention, seeing my OB only costs us a $30 copay. I like having money. I like having no doctor bills. I like being able to, instead, save for baby items and a stay at the Labor & Delivery unit sometime in the future. I don’t want to spare every penny possible in order to expand our family. I will, if necessary…but I’m not ready yet, and I’m still hopeful it won’t come to that. After all, I’ve been pregnant twice and have not needed an RE thus far. After two cycles of Clomid at 100mg and two at 150mg, though, I think it will be time. Sigh. I know all of you RE-veterans will laugh to hear this, but the thought of it sort of makes me want to barf.

Also, one other note…as arminta suggested, I took a pregnancy test. A good suggestion, but futile in my case. It was a BFN. In fact, that single control line was so dark and bold and in-your-face with “You’re NOT pregnant,” I found it sort of rude and obnoxious. So no worries, guys…I’m not pregnant. Go figure. I mean, really? A surprise, unexpected pregnancy? That only happens to OTHER people.

Which means I was getting a close-to-positive OPK for one of two reasons: 1) My LH was just wonky for a few days for whatever lame reason. Or 2) I actually ovulated. I’m pretty sure #1 is the winner, but either way, the tests have gone back to being completely, undoubtedly negative and that has helped me to breathe a sigh of relief. And so now I just wait for my period. And in honor of the Olympics, all I have to say about that is this:

Let the Games begin!

(Okay, I know that was cheesy and hardly even accurate, as all of this is more akin to torture than a game, but it was the only closing to this post that came to mind. Please forgive my lameness.)

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