Okay, ladies, hold onto your hats because this is going to be a(nother) long one…
Lately, I’ve been worrying. Like, a lot. This is nothing new for me really. I’m a worrier by nature. But up until now, I’ve been feeling pretty calm and steady. Just put it in God’s hands, has been my frequent mantra (though I have certainly struggled with this particular motto — see my last post for details). I’ve felt fairly at peace, knowing that I just have to get through my current cycle in order to have a pretty damn good chance at my next cycle (as the 2nd cycle of 100mg of Clomid has never failed me yet).
But that all went up in smoke some time last Friday.
Because while I believe that the Clomid may do its job next month and I may even conceive, I have zero confidence that the pregnancy will actually stick around. My big fear is late ovulation. With my daughter (the pregnancy that did stick!), I ovulated on CD19. With my most recent pregnancy (the one that failed), I ovulated on CD22. I have no idea if late ovulation caused my miscarriage (my OB says probably not), but I just can’t shake the fear that it did. And if it did…what if I ovulate late again? And what if I lose again? I know there are so many women who have recurrent miscarriages and my heart goes out to every one of them, but I don’t know if I will ever be strong enough to handle that. I really don’t.
So I have considered contacting my OB (I don’t see an RE) to request that he increase my Clomid to 150mg, but I know that high dosage is unusual and can cause adverse side effects (which I have been mostly spared so far). Yet my hope would be that the increased dosage would help my little ol’ ovaries to respond faster and move up the ovulation day. I keep telling myself that, if my next cycle (#2) doesn’t work at 100mg, then I will definitely contact my doc…but what if I conceive before that and what if it’s late in my cycle and what if I lose again? WHAT IF???
The other thing that I have been worrying about is PCOS. I have been tested for it, but never diagnosed with it, and yet sometimes I am convinced that I have it. Here are the things I know (get ready to know more about the private areas of my body than anyone IRL does!):
- I have irregular (nearly absent) cycles.
- I have very mild acne…just a few zits on my chin and forehead (although it used to be much worse).
- I have a little extra body hair (embarrassed to admit to this…but I have quite a few dark hairs around my nips as well as just below my belly button).
- I have two skin tags on my neck.
- I am not overweight, but do sometimes have trouble losing weight. (It’s not impossible for me, but does require some hard work.)
- The last time I had an ultrasound, I had just a single, very small ovarian cyst…but that u/s was during my miscarriage and I’m not sure if being essentially pregnant would change the results.
- All of my lab tests (LH, FSH, prolactin, fasting glucose, fasting insulin, and testosterone) have come back normal…BUT the last time I tested them, it was not on CD3 as is typical, but during my m/c when my beta levels were still positive for pregnancy, so again…not sure if that would throw everything off.
- I have taken a lot of OPKs in the last couple years and there has only been two months in which I got a false-positive, so I know my LH isn’t tooooooo out-of-whack. (However, that 2nd OPK line has been getting darker in the last few days and yesterday was very close to being positive. Do I think I actually ovulated? No. I’m taking progesterone. It’s unlikely. So now I’m feeling extra-concerned and anxious!)
To sum up: I have a few of the superficial symptoms of PCOS but not any of the most obvious ones (except those irregular cycles, of course!). And to be frank, I really don’t want to a PCOS diagnosis. It scares me…especially with the increased risk of m/c (though my OB also denies there is a clear link). In case you can’t tell, I’m very afraid of a repeat miscarriage. But if I do have PCOS, I want to know so I can take action. I want Metformin! Or dexamethasone! Anything that will help the Clomid I’m taking to act faster and cause me to ovulate around CD14 like a normal woman.
And maybe I’m worrying unnecessarily. It has been known to happen. Maybe losing our last baby was a fluke and it won’t happen again. After all, we know I’m at least capable of carrying a pregnancy to term (see Introducing…Cupcake! for proof), but the worries have taken over my brain and I’m consumed. I feel myself starting to spiral a little out of control.
So what do I do? At this point, I’m still thinking I’ll wait it out. See what happens on my next cycle and go from there. If there is no BFP, then I will definitely call to harass my OB (as I’m not yet prepared to see an RE). I will be requesting to increase my Clomid dosage, retake all my lab tests, and perhaps start Metformin.
But should I be doing something now? What would each of you do? Any advice? I know PCOS is rampant in this community. Is it possible to have PCOS with a normal u/s and bloodwork? Should I have my hormone levels re-checked? (I really don’t want to yet as taking an active toddler to a lab where you end up waiting forever is not my idea of fun, but I’ll do it…if I have to.) And while I’m asking a bunch of random questions…can someone please tell me why all of this has to be so hard? There are so many decisions to make and I’m scared to make the wrong one. It’s paralyzing me with fear! Please help.