Last night was Bunco with my mama’s group, my first one since The One That Made Me Cry. Though I walked away with $10 less in my pocket (rather than the $70 I won last time!), this Bunco went smoothly for the most part. No tears. I am in a much better place now than I was two months ago, of course. And though there is still a sort of sadness when I see Lady N, whose daughter is three weeks older than mine and who is due about three weeks before I would have been, I was able to talk to her about her pregnancy and do so without feeling the irresistible desire to punch something. She’s having another girl and I am happy for her. Today, when I say that, I actually mean it. That’s progress, people!
Another friend, Lady A, did ask about when we will be expanding our family again and I told her about my loss. I am finding it easier to talk about now, and often I want to. I want people to know about Teddy Graham, that he existed and that I’m not completely barren — that we tried and succeeded, then failed. Somehow, that is better to me than all those months that I tried to conceive Cupcake with nothing at all, no ovulation and no BFP. (However, it must also be said that I have found this experience more painful…but I will talk about that some other time.)
So while I did not walk away from Bunco with any extra heartache or money, I did come home feeling extra fat. That is the real problem with Bunco: the food. Everyone brings the yummiest, most indulgent food and the biggest problem is that I eat it. In fact, I eat it like I haven’t eaten for a week. So I spent a good half hour tossing and turning in bed last night, unable to sleep thanks to a sugar-high and feeling the jiggle of my belly each time I rolled over. And this is what I have come to realize:
1) My stomach will never again be the same. While I cannot claim to have had a flat stomach in my B.C. (Before Cupcake) years, it is now a stomach I miss. I weigh just four pounds more than I did when I conceived my daughter and yet my stomach has transformed completely. It has stretch marks (I call them my “badge of honor”) and it’s softer and rounder and I imagine it will only get worse
with each new pregnancy if I ever get pregnant again. I’m not complaining…it has all been worth it. I will take this jiggly tummy any day, over the alternative! But I’m pretty sure I will never be able to change it. So instead, I’m trying to accept it. Yes, perhaps it’s time to retire the bikini and graduate to something more mom-ish.
2) I’m trying to be healthy, to make all nutritional decisions based on its effect on my fertility, but I am failing miserably. I am not dieting like I was anymore, but I still try to shoot for a calorie range (1500-1800 cals/day) and yet I do not always use those calories wisely. Sometimes, they are consumed by things like cookies and chocolate and ice cream. You can eat just 1500 calories per day, but if you use them all on sugary treats, it does not make you any healthier than someone who eats 2500 calories. And worst of all, I will sometimes have a no-count day and then I become a bit of a Wild Child. A rebel, if you will. There’s no stopping me from stuffing my face like there’s about to be a famine. After dieting for so long, that’s all I know. Either starve or stuff…there is no middle ground for me. So that’s what I need to work on. That is going to be my new goal: eat in moderation. Eat when hungry. Stop when full. Sounds easy enough. But I know too well that it won’t be. Not for me.
And 3) I have no idea what I weigh right now. For the first time in maybe, oh, ten years. I have not stepped on the scale since I stopped dieting. I’ve been too scared. But I do know this: my clothes still fit! In fact, I recently realized that it’s time to go jeans-shopping when my jeans were so loose that I could grab a healthy fistful of fabric in the thigh area and had to keep pulling them up all day long. I haven’t shopped for jeans in years. I mean, years. This is kind of exciting. And good news, right? Right???
On an even sweeter note, I have spent all morning opening cupboards, drawers, boxes, and books, only to discover little post-it love notes that declare “God made you for me” and “You are so pretty.” Apparently, my husband got a little bored while I was at Bunco last night. 🙂 You know, my Honey and I have been through a whole lot in our six years of being together, but our marriage is rock-solid because of it. I am so lucky to have this man to take this journey with me, and so lucky that he feels so lucky to have me too.
Okay, well, I realize this is a long post, highly uninteresting, and really about nothing at all, but that’s what happens when you’re on CD19 with no positive OPK and nothing new to report. I will try for something more exciting in my next post.
Before I go, I want to leave you with the link for a recipe for Spiced Cocktail Nuts. I brought them to Bunco last night and they were well-loved and well-eaten. I have also made them for my husband’s graduation party and my sister’s housewarming party and they are always a big hit. I mean, they are amazing. Truly. Whenever I make them, I make extra to enjoy at home and keep them in the freezer so they don’t spoil before I have the chance to eat them all. Don’t be intimidated by the long list of ingredients — they are easy-peasy to make and well worth it. Trust me, you will not regret it. I may even become your new best friend. 🙂