I title this post “mid-cycle,” but that’s really only in theory. It’s CD14 for me and, if I were a normal woman whose reproductive plumbing worked properly, I would be ovulating around now. But me? I’ll be lucky if I ovulate at all. I mean, really lucky. Because I never do on my first Clomid cycle. Like, ever.
Usually, in the days leading up to ovulation (that is, the two times that I have actually ovulated while monitoring such things), I will see a change in the OPKs first. That second line will progressively get darker and then — bam! — it’s a positive. So far, nothing. Not even the slightest change. My CM is somewhere between creamy and egg-white, but it’s certainly not the much-awaited-for EWCM that means ovulation is imminent. And my BBT has been a little wacky. It’s slightly elevated than what is normal for me pre-ovulation, but I don’t even know what that means. Seasonal allergies? F*cked-up hormones? God playing mind games with me?
So as of right now, I have no reason to believe this first cycle of Clomid will be any different than any of the other firsts. Really, I’m looking at this time as another (gag) waiting period. Yes, I took 100mg of Clomid for five days. And yes we’re having sex “just in case.” But that’s just because we have to. Because I have to get through this first month of Clomid so that we might actually have a shot next time. Because I can’t not try.
But thinking this way has it’s own challenges. Like, it’s hard for me to be enthusiastic about sex every other day when I don’t really think there’s a point to it. Sometimes (often) I’m tired…sometimes I don’t want to do it…sometimes I just want to forego the forced, scheduled love-making and wait for the spontaneous, hot sex that seems to exist only outside of TTC-land. But I’m just too scared to miss any opportunity, however small it may be…so we try try try like damn bunny rabbits.
I’ve also found it hard and miserable to suffer through my allergies in the last week. Before that, I could take Zyrtec and Benadryl to my heart’s (or nose’s) content. I didn’t hesitate. But all this week, I have been, with the thought that I could (but probably won’t) ovulate. I’ve heard antihistamines can dry up cervical mucus, and we all know how much we need that slippery CM to transport our wiggly, sperm friends to where they need to be. I don’t want to do anything that might jeopardize that. But last night, I caved. I had an acute allergy attack right before dinner and I just couldn’t survive one more minute of the sneezing, itching, and dripping nose. I just couldn’t. And for a moment, I didn’t even care if I didn’t conceive this month because I just needed relief from my most immediate discomfort.
So this is where I’m at. I’m waiting without hope. Time is crawling. Every day seems like ten. And I just wish I could take loads of that Benadryl and go to sleep for a long time…then wake up next month, when my ovaries might actually work and hope will live again.