An Ode

As some of you may remember from a previous post, I have been using the Ovacue fertility monitor to track my cycles. It’s complicated to explain exactly how it does this (and frankly, I’m not even sure I completely understand), but to describe it in short-hand, it uses an oral tongue depressor and a vaginal sensor to record changes in the electrolytes of your saliva and mucus, which can then predict when ovulation will occur. It is supposedly 98.3% accurate. But for me, it has been 0.000000% accurate and that is why I hate it.

Originally, I think I decided to buy the all-too-expensive monitor because I wanted to do everything I could to increase my chances of conceiving immediately after my loss and because I assumed that knowledge is power. I should know exactly what my body is and is not doing, right? Well, in the end I learned only three things: 1) My hormones and cycles are completely f*cked up. 2) There is absolutely nothing I can do about that and not even a stupid fertility machine can help me figure it out, despite the promises in the product description of how useful it can be for women with irregular cycles. And 3) That really, really pisses me off.

And so in one of my moments of pissiness, I decided to write an ode (which really can hardly even be called an ode) to said fertility monitor. I intended for it to be funny. Instead, I think I just sound angry. Which I am. So please forgive the melodrama. And with that being said, here you are…



This is no ode to urn, period, or wind.

It’s for that thing which gave me nothing but grief.

I thought it might save me ’cause its description

promised me wisdom, answers, peace, and relief.

So it stole my soul and the hope that I had

in this time of loss, mourning, and sob-weep-cry.

It robbed my sanity and dignity too

with its tool on my tongue, its probe in my vag.

So now I say to it: good-riddance and good-bye.

You’re no good for me. I’m best off without you.


A couple notes I would like to conclude with: While I could never, ever recommend the Ovacue fertility monitor to anyone, most especially those with irregular cycles despite what the manufacturers claim, I do have to give props to Fairhaven Health (the manufacturers) for waiving their 30-day, unopened-package return policy for me so that I could indeed return this stupid monitor for a (nearly) full refund. I pleaded my case and they agreed it does not seem to be an appropriate monitor for my situation, so they refunded all but 15% to me. I was satisfied with that.

So this leaves me with an extra $300 in our bank account. Hmmm, what to do with it? Ideas, anyone? Should I put it into our emergency fund like a responsible adult? Should I save it to pay for the progesterone and Clomid and other fertility-related matters? Or should I take a chance, at the risk of jinxing myself, and start a Maternity Fund, for all the maternity clothes I dream of buying if/when I ever have another bump? Well, I’m feeling brave and hopeful today so that’s exactly where this money is going.  At least until tomorrow, when I very well could lose all nerve and just give it to the next homeless man I meet, because surely a Maternity Fund is just begging for everything to go wrong.

So let me ask you…if you had just a few extra hundred dollars, what would you do with it?


8 thoughts on “An Ode

  1. the old financial miser in me says put it in your emergency fund, however the idea of a Maternity Fund isn’t a bad idea. You could always call it a “rainy day fund” if you fear the jinxing (I probably would go with rainy day or something – I fear the jinxing).

    If I had extra money it would go towards credit card bills (the sooner those things get paid – sooner we can start IVF) or towards our vacation fund for this summer.

  2. Hmmm…if I had a few hundred extra bucks, they’d probably go into the IVF fund, along with every other penny we’ve pinched–although at this point, who knows when we’d get to actually spend it?

    I’m glad you got most of your money back. And a maternity fund sounds like a good place for it. Because you *will* need it! Oh–and I love your ode!

  3. I watched a youtube video on one of those a few months back and it confused me to no end. So expense, glad you were able to get some money back on it.

    • Thanks for stopping by and sorry for taking so long to respond…I’ve been feeling lazy! They have a youtube video on these things?! I had no idea…though don’t they have a youtube video about anything and everything these days? Probably should have checked it out before I returned the Ovacue, but oh well. I’m feeling a sense of freedom already just by shipping that thing back! 🙂

  4. That sounds crazy expensive. I’ve been using Duo Fertility and they’ve been really great. It’s in the UK – not sure if it’s elsewhere. They work out what’s happening using body temperature and what you put enter into the device. Plus you let them know about tests etc so they can map it out. They’ll contact you when they have questions or if they see something they think is odd. I just posted the report they sent me for the four last cycles, I haven’t fallen pregnant but I do feel like I’ve gained a better understand of where my body is at.

    • Thanks for stopping by! Yes, it is crazy expensive…and I was crazy to buy it! Maybe I’ll have to look into Duo Fertility…or maybe I just need to let go and not think about it so much and wait for the magic to happen. HA! If only it were that easy, right?

      • Yeah, I’m giving myself this year and then I swear I will put all these devices away but for now I need to understand what on earth is going on in there. For me it’s like exploring space 😀 I don’t think you’re crazy, I think that company takes advantage by making it so expensive!

  5. Thank you for stopping by my blog… and I’m so sorry that it’s taken me this long to get back to you 😦 I’ve been on a little unexpected break. I’m so sorry to hear about all that you’ve been through… and know how you feel about spending money on things to help increase our chances, only to find that they disappoint us 😦 With you on this journey and hope that our’s improves xoxo

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