As some of you may remember from a previous post, I have been using the Ovacue fertility monitor to track my cycles. It’s complicated to explain exactly how it does this (and frankly, I’m not even sure I completely understand), but to describe it in short-hand, it uses an oral tongue depressor and a vaginal sensor to record changes in the electrolytes of your saliva and mucus, which can then predict when ovulation will occur. It is supposedly 98.3% accurate. But for me, it has been 0.000000% accurate and that is why I hate it.
Originally, I think I decided to buy the all-too-expensive monitor because I wanted to do everything I could to increase my chances of conceiving immediately after my loss and because I assumed that knowledge is power. I should know exactly what my body is and is not doing, right? Well, in the end I learned only three things: 1) My hormones and cycles are completely f*cked up. 2) There is absolutely nothing I can do about that and not even a stupid fertility machine can help me figure it out, despite the promises in the product description of how useful it can be for women with irregular cycles. And 3) That really, really pisses me off.
And so in one of my moments of pissiness, I decided to write an ode (which really can hardly even be called an ode) to said fertility monitor. I intended for it to be funny. Instead, I think I just sound angry. Which I am. So please forgive the melodrama. And with that being said, here you are…
AN ODE TO A GOOD-FOR-NOTHING FERTILITY MONITOR
This is no ode to urn, period, or wind.
It’s for that thing which gave me nothing but grief.
I thought it might save me ’cause its description
promised me wisdom, answers, peace, and relief.
So it stole my soul and the hope that I had
in this time of loss, mourning, and sob-weep-cry.
It robbed my sanity and dignity too
with its tool on my tongue, its probe in my vag.
So now I say to it: good-riddance and good-bye.
You’re no good for me. I’m best off without you.
A couple notes I would like to conclude with: While I could never, ever recommend the Ovacue fertility monitor to anyone, most especially those with irregular cycles despite what the manufacturers claim, I do have to give props to Fairhaven Health (the manufacturers) for waiving their 30-day, unopened-package return policy for me so that I could indeed return this stupid monitor for a (nearly) full refund. I pleaded my case and they agreed it does not seem to be an appropriate monitor for my situation, so they refunded all but 15% to me. I was satisfied with that.
So this leaves me with an extra $300 in our bank account. Hmmm, what to do with it? Ideas, anyone? Should I put it into our emergency fund like a responsible adult? Should I save it to pay for the progesterone and Clomid and other fertility-related matters? Or should I take a chance, at the risk of jinxing myself, and start a Maternity Fund, for all the maternity clothes I dream of buying if/when I ever have another bump? Well, I’m feeling brave and hopeful today so that’s exactly where this money is going. At least until tomorrow, when I very well could lose all nerve and just give it to the next homeless man I meet, because surely a Maternity Fund is just begging for everything to go wrong.
So let me ask you…if you had just a few extra hundred dollars, what would you do with it?