The Hardest Part

The hardest part — or maybe one of many — of struggling to conceive and sustain a pregnancy is hearing about others who have no problem doing it. I know all of you know this.

Today, thanks to the curse of Facebook, I learned of another friend who is expecting. I don’t know when she’s due, but I do know this: It didn’t take her very long to make it happen. And her daughter is just three weeks younger than mine.

It hurts because that should be me. I would be in my second trimester now. I would be shopping for maternity clothes. I would be happy.

And it hurts because I’m still a few weeks away from officially trying again, and I don’t know when another life will be created inside of me, and I can’t trust that I won’t lose it when it is.

So right now I’m really feeling the pain of my loss, and the weight of the journey that lies ahead of me, so deep that I couldn’t let my husband touch me when he reached for my hand, so deep that there are no tears big enough, so deep that I feel it in my stomach, my bones, and the bottom of my soul. I know I’m being melodramatic. But that’s what happens when I feel too much.

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One thought on “The Hardest Part

  1. Myself and so many women I know that have miscarried have felt exactly what you’re feeling. Hearing others being pregnant and doing well is like a knife being plunged into our hearts. And they’re friends, so we’re supposed to be happy for them, which then makes it hurt even more (like we’re being bad people), right? Hang in there, it WILL get better!

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