Did I or Didn’t I?

That is the question.

(Please forgive me. We’re both English majors in this house and rarely make it through a day without a Shakespeare reference of some sort.)

Did I or didn’t I ovulate?

The answer? I dunno. And I’m actually okay with that.

My can’t-be-trusted fertility monitor says I did. And when I spoke with their customer service agent over e-mail, she also confirmed that all signs are pointing to yes. And it’s true — my BBT is up. But hardly. I mean, truly, it hardly is. Before my Teddy Graham pregnancy, I was around 97.2 before ovulation. Since I lost the baby, it’s been a bit bouncy, between 96.8 and 97.6, but last week stayed pretty steady at 96.8 for 5 days. After that, it jumped up to 97.2 and is now yo-yoing between 97.2 and 97.6. So see what I mean? Hardly an increase. Can that even be called an increase???

And nothing else points to ovulation. No positive OPK. Not one even close to positive. And no really, truly, obviously EWCM. Just kinda-maybe. So I’m confused, but that still hasn’t stopped us from trying to make Baby #3. Shamelessly. I’m a tad pathetic, aren’t I? Everyone says to give myself a break, to take some time off, to not worry about it at this point in time. But I don’t know how to do that. Once we start trying, I don’t know how to stop until there is a baby in my arms.

So I guess I’m kinda-sorta in the 2WW, but I don’t even care. Of course, I have romantic notions about magically conceiving this month and carrying that baby to term and feeling the hole in my heart start to heal. But do I expect it? Nooooooo….. Oh, no. That would be too easy and things are rarely easy for me. Instead, I will just go about life as planned, as if I didn’t possibly-maybe-but-probably-not ovulate. If my period doesn’t show, I’ll be back on progesterone to jump-start things in about two weeks.

Ugh. I hate this. I wish I, or at least my body, could be normal just this once.

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