A Milestone

Today, it has been five weeks since my little Teddy Graham died. The same number of weeks that he lived inside of me. So I have now been without him as long as I was with him. That’s weird. And sad.

It’s nice to have a few moments of joy and normalcy these days. I cry less and less. I laugh sometimes. An outsider, an acquaintance, would no longer see any change in me. I seem to be back to my old self.

Except I’m not. I’ve always been on the quiet and reserved side, but that has increased exponentially. I’m more guarded when I talk to people, especially my sister (another story, another day). I sleep more. I write more. I read more. I eat more. Thank God, I exercise more! I’ve lost motivation. I’ve lost hope, maybe even faith. But I also pray more. I’ve embraced those who have been a great support during this time, I’ve loved each of them even more than before, and I’ve left everyone else in the dust.

And I think about Teddy all the time. I can tell you that, had things gone as planned, today I would have been 12 weeks into my pregnancy. I probably would have had a doctor appointment, maybe heard the heartbeat on a doppler for the first time. Next week, I would have entered my second trimester and announced my pregnancy to everyone. Instead, I grieve.

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4 thoughts on “A Milestone

  1. It is truly a sad milestone 😦 We would have been planning for Norah’s anatomy scan in the next week or two, but instead we’re missing our baby girl.

    I’ve got to tell you, you will never be the same. You can’t go back and be that person who never lost again. You learn to be happy, you learn to have two hearts, one that is full of love for your living child and one that is broken for your angel(s), but you never “get over it.” *hugs*

    • Yes, I know you’re so right. And I’m okay with being a changed person, I just hope everyone else is. I’ll be thinking of you in the weeks ahead as you, too, reach each new milestone in your loss. My heart goes out to you.

  2. Its been just a little over 4 weeks for me. I keep thinking that I was planning on telling my family when they came out to visit me in June as I would have been 13 weeks. Now they are coming in 3 weeks and I’m back at square one. I’m grieving right along with you. I hope we can both make it through.

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