Mother of Two

Mother’s Day. Should today feel so hard? In recent days, people have chided me for regarding the day as bittersweet, for saying I don’t feel like celebrating, for wanting today to be just any other day. They say I should relish the time that I have with my daughter. Appreciate what I’ve got.

And I do! Please know that I do. There’s not a day that goes by that I do not thank God for my Cupcake, the girl who calls me “mom” instead of “mama” and asks for a kiss between each bite at mealtime. I love her and, if anything, I love her more now than I did three weeks and three days ago, before the bleeding and the heartbreak began. I love her.

But today, my husband took my hand and said “Thank you for being the mother of our children” and I cried because he spoke the truth. Children. I am the mother of two babies and one of them is dead and what is there to celebrate in that? It is my first Mother’s Day without my tiny Teddy Graham and, while Cupcake makes it very sweet, this truth can make it seem very bitter: it is my first holiday without him and, sadly, I never had a first Mother’s Day with him. And I never will.

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